August 01, 2004

Spring 1995

Something was growing inside my womb. It wasn't human. It wasn't breathing. It was a fibroid tumor, a mass of cells gone wrong, discovered at a routine physical exam by my family practice doctor. My conservative physician decided to watch it. He told me women get these all the time.

Spring 1996

At my yearly exam the doctor was alarmed at the fibroid's growth. He told me it was time to see a specialist. I picked out a name from the phone book and made the appointment.

After an ultrasound, the specialist I saw said the tumour was a fibroid. Well I knew that. Even my internist knew that. I didn't like his answer when I asked is this something to be concerned about. He wasn't sure and told me to come back in six months. I didn't. I needed more information. He was not going to give it to me.

I tried to ignore the fact that my pants were getting tighter and my belly felt like bread dough rising slowly. I was also watching, feeling, and measuring the curve of my stomach with a tape measure. All this talk of tumors inside my womb made me nervous. The tumor cancer connection was uncertain.

My friend who is a nurse practitioner got alarmed when I showed her my tummy. Let's get another opinion she suggested. "Maybe," I answered. My emotions swam the river of my fears by alternately dog paddling in anxiety and being so blaise that I refused to see a doctor.

At my friend's insistence I looked for another doctor. I found the next doctor while talking to a crisis counselor at 2am ( I was sinking into a big black hole of panic) after measuring my stomach four times horrified at its expansion. I was sure when I woke that morning, my stomach would be blown up like the Goodyear blimp.

After an exam that included nothing but his fingers, Doctor Number 3 said the H word, hysterectomy. I went white. I had no symptoms but largeness. I was not anemic. I had no pain. I was becoming a whale, that is all. Surely I needed more symptoms to have such an invasive operation. There must be something else he could do. I would not accept that I had no treatment options.

The doctor who looked like he had been practicing medicine since the birth of Christ, inappropriately but fatherly hugged me, as I sat crying on the examination table in my white patient robe. "You have such a pretty face. You don't need to cry, " he said.

I liked to be told I was pretty, but not by some doctor whose medical views on women's organs were rip them out if they bulge, sag, droop or are invaded by disease. My uterus was mine. He had no right to take it away from me without even a blood test.

He looked at me and said, "I knew you were the kind of woman who would not have one." I often wonder what he meant by that remark.

Feeling humiliated and angry, I left his office believing no man could understand why I wanted to keep my body intact. I decided to see a female doctor.

Doctor number 4 had a nice Italian name. I figured maybe she would tell me to eat more pasta and drink more wine as a cure. She insisted if the thing grew any bigger by the next visit, a hysterectomy was inevitable. The bitch. I didn't go back to her. No sisterhood there. Not one ounce of understanding, just her out dated medical training kicking in.

I was not being difficult. I am not stupid. I do not disregard life saving procedures. I had this intuitive sense that having my uterus out was not the right way for me to go. I happened to believe in intuition even if it has no logic. I was also told that following menopause fibroids shrink. I was 48. I was hoping that nature would help me out.

In case nature had other plan, I read everything I could on fibroids. I changed my diet to exclude meat and poultry fed antibiotics and hormones. Some people believe fibroids are formed from the overproduction of estrogen in a woman's body. To add more estrogen from what I ate seemed foolish.

I exercised and did all sorts of visualizations seeing the fibroids shrinking. I delved into my psyche to see how I really felt about being female. Mind body practitioners and several holistic doctors who had credible practices felt there was a link between our thoughts about our sexuality and fibroid growth. I went to an accupunturist. Still my belly did not shrink. I continued to measure it with a yellow tape measure. I became obsessed with smallness.

There has to be a damn good reason to separate me from my body parts. A stomach bulge was not a good enough reason. The possibility of cancer someday was vague. In fact later I found that cancerous fibroids are almost non-existent. I have the belief that if we didn't need an organ for our bodies to function optimally we would have been born without it.

The other reason I was against the removal of my uterus was that although some women have no problems after a hysterectomy, others lives are devastated. New and debilitating problems can arise. I knew because of other health problems I had (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, whose origin is unknown and may have a connection to hormones), that to remove my uterus would spell physical and emotional disaster for me.

Winter 1997

Today while in the health food store I picked up a free magazine called "Convergence". There was an article by Lenore Howe called "The Uterus To Be or Not To Be Part II. Here was an article on hysterectomies written from the point of view that too many of these operations are unnecessary. Included in the article was a phone number for the HERS Foundation, Hysterectomy Educational Resources Services, founded by Nora Coffey in 1982 to counsel women about the alternatives and consequences of hysterectomy.

After telling a counselor my symptoms, she felt I was not a candidate for a hysterectomy. My symptoms and what the doctor told me was not reason enough for this procedure. The size of my fibroid was not a problem medically. She gave me the name of a doctor in Boston for a second opinion.

Spring1998

I went to see Dr. Mitchell Levine a specialist in myomectomy surgery where only the fibroid is removed. He agreed that mine was a large one, but there was no medical reason to get it removed. He was not alarmed. It was my choice. I felt confident in his approach and let it go.

Spring 2001

I was less obsessed about the fibroid. It was still there. Time to see the gynecologist for the yearly checkup . I wanted to see Dr. Levine. He was an hour's drive away . Since I had no symptoms and my stomach hadn't grown, I thought this would be a routine exam. I decided to find a doctor close by. I found doctor 6.

This doctor said hysterectomy. He didn't hug me. He told me there was no waiting. Alarmed, I called Dr. Levine and set up an appointment to see if this doctor was just another hysterical physician or if something was wrong. Dr. Levine told me the tumor had moved and was pressing on my kidneys. I had a month to have it removed before damage would be done. This is it Dr. Levine told me. You have no choice. I listened. He promised me that unless I had cancer, there was no reason to remove my uterus. I put my trust in this surgeon who had done 1000s of these procedure. He came through.

Summer 2001

I am fibroid free, knock on wood. I have a sense that I know what is right for me. I have also learned that fear is a terrible emotion when confronted with choice. What I fear mostly is not disease, but doctors who do not tell patients of all treatments (alternative and traditional) or their rights mostly because they don't believe in the treatments, don't know how to perform them, or don't know about them. One doctor out of six mentioned myomectomy to me. I think everyone needs to get a second opinion and a third and a fourth until they can make a decision from all the information.

Many women feel that because fibroids can grow back, they should just get rid of their uterus, not choose a myomectomy . I think that is only one view of the possibility. Many women have remained fibroid free after this
operation.

Women need to become keepers of their bodies, believe in their intuition choose wisely those they will trust to alter their hormonal systems that are so basic to a woman's health and well being.

July 2004

Still fibroid free. Menopause no where in site.

Posted by Bettie G. at 06:09 AM | Comments (4)