July 1, 2004

Making a Decision

First, it's all personal. There is no right or wrong decision when it comes to your own health.

Modern medicine is great because it gives us so many choices.

There was a time when I was younger, perhaps more angry or resentful about being a woman and I thought that hysterectomies were butchery. And it's likely that a lot of it was. There were millions and millions of women who had rather banal complaints and so doctors just took out their "plumbing."

I know some of that still goes on today, but I'm not worried that I'm being victimized by that old system.

I want a hysterectomy because my uterus is a problem. My uterus is causing problems with other parts of my body.

At the moment, nothing is serious or life-threatening, but these little compromises kind of chip away at us slowly.

My bleeding has gotten worse over the years. Bad enough that I haven't been able to donate blood for almost three years. While I'm not anemic in the sense of it being a health hazard, I do wonder sometimes if I'm tired because of it.

My bladder has become incredibly small. I've changed my drinking habits because of it, and I wonder if that will affect other parts of my life. I loved to drink lots and lots of water. I feel energized when I'm hydrated. Or I used to, anyway. I feel cleansed by great quantities of water moving through my system. I live in Southern California where it's hot and I'm not afraid to sweat.

I've got this bunch of rocks in my abdomen. It's uncomfortable. They press on things, they push back. I hate them. I feel my tummy and I'm unhappy. I worry that someday it will affect my sex life. I've been with the same wonderful man for 13 years. He deserves a woman who isn't afraid of her own body - he deserves a woman who takes care of herself. I'm not worried that he's going to be turned off by my little belly - I'm in my late thirties, we expect to get a little rounder as we get older. But I can't blame him if he got turned off by me not caring about myself.

The uterus is made for holding a developing baby. I'm not going to have children. The uterus is made to shed itself when it doesn't have a baby to nourish. Mine is not doing that according to the norms.

But let's face it. Things are there for a reason - the uterus holds other things in place - the bowels and bladder rest against it. By taking things out, it'll create a void. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe sex won't be the same as it was before.

Sure, I look forward to not being "out of commission" for ten days a month. I've never missed a day of work for my bleeding - but I sure spend a lot of time running back and forth to the bathroom because of it. My bladder causes the same problem - at least every two hours. Won't it be nice to sit at my desk or go to lunch and not have to worry? Won't it be great to go on an afternoon hike and not have to plan a short trail that has bathrooms along it?

I'm just looking to get back to normal.

Any questions or feedback? Feel free to email me.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 1:02 PM | Comments (4)

July 4, 2004

How I Feel

I have a surgery date. It's August 5th. A Thursday.

Of course I'm scared.

It's major surgery. My fibroids are too large to remove laprosocpically without hormone treatment.

The uterus will be removed through a bikini incision leaving my ovaries, tubes and cervix in place.

At the moment this decision means that I'm hyper aware of everything going on in my belly. I just ovulated and I made a note of what that feels like, that little pinch, the discharge that accompanies it. That maybe be my last ovulation with a uterus. Will it be different when it's gone? Of course.

I'm married. I have a wonderful loving relationship and I don't want that to change. Of course with a hysterectomy, I never have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy. That seems like a plus. No periods - that means one more week available for lovemaking.

But let's face it, orgasms are tricky things. Even though I'm not having a total hysterectomy, they're leaving the cervix, I worry that intercourse will be different. Just having a catheter can give some women clitoral numbness that can last for months. How much am I willing to risk just to be more comfortable? What if I can't have intercourse comfortably again? What I can't feel anything again? The uterus is involved in some orgasms, contracting along with many other muscles in the body and pelvis.

How fulfilling would my sex life be for the rest of my life if I couldn't give my husband the pleasure of pleasing me?

He, of course, is ultra supportive of this procedure and promises that nothing will change between us and we will only grow stronger and closer through this experience.

Any questions or feedback? Feel free to email me.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 3:58 PM

July 6, 2004

How Much is in my Head?

Sometimes I wonder how much of this is in my head.

I wonder if I'm getting worse. Lately I feel like my bladder is getting smaller.

I also notice more cramps. Not painful ones, I just feel like I can feel everything more lately. Like maybe I can feel the tumors growing.

I know it's because I'm just keenly aware right now. Probably talking myself into these things.

Today or tomorrow I should be getting some results of my pre-op exam. The last test is for HPV (human papilloma virus). I've never had genital warts, but I could harbor this virus, which can cause cervical cancer. If I do have it, the doctor will recommend taking my cervix with the uterus. The reasoning is, it's easier to rebuilt everything and anchor it with one operation instead of coming back later should I develop cancer.

I'm not keen on that scenario, but I'm trying not to worry about it until I'm faced with the decision.

Any questions or feedback? Feel free to email me.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 10:27 AM

July 7, 2004

Good News

I got good news from the doctor's office today that my test for HPV came back negative. This means my chances of cervical cancer are dramatically lower and it's considered safe for me to keep my cervix.

That's great news. I don't know why, but I was adamant about keeping it. It's not like I'm an expert on how all this stuff works, but I just consider it part of my sexual organs, not my reproductive ones.

I've also heard that keeping the cervix anchors everything much better and reduces the chances of prolapses later.

I'm much keener on having one operation. Just one, in my whole life. I want to do it once and do it right. I don't want this to keep going on, I want the hysterectomy and I'll look back one year from now and decide that it was a great thing for my overall health and then I'll move on with my life, completely healed.

I've made goals to get myself back in shape when I'm done.

I'm going to walk the Los Angeles Marathon in March 2005.

I did it once before, in 2003 - a pitifully slow walking time of nearly eight hours. But this time I've got far more motivation.

Sure, my time might come in slower, hell, I may poop out half-way through, but I've got goals!

Any questions or feedback? Feel free to email me.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 3:50 PM

July 10, 2004

The Grief

I took my dog to the vet this morning.

I have a huge list of things I want to have done before I go in for surgery, so I don't have to worry about them. One was getting the dog her shots and having her nails trimmed. I usually do it in September, but I didn't think it would hurt if it were a little early.

The vet's office was jam packed. One vet on duty, so it was slow. There was a woman who was sitting next to me. She didn't have a pet in her lap or at her feet like the rest of us. Forties, blonde, trim. She sat erect, waiting for someone to come out of the door with her pet or give her some news.

The vet came out and waved her over. I didn't hear the conversation, just watched, as I stroked my dog's chest to keep her calm. She put her hand over her mouth, he put his hand on her shoulder. She nodded, he squeezed her shoulder and disappeared. And there she stood, in the little corner between the door to the exam room and the door to the outside with her hand to her forehead and cried. Much of the time she tried not to cry. Quiet and composed for the most part, she was sobbing inside, I could tell. No where to sit, no where to be alone. A few minutes later and they ushered her inside. Then a half an hour later, she came out again, empty handed, puffy and paid her bill.

I could feel for this woman and her unidentified pet. In fact, it didn't matter what it was in that room that was leaving her, but she felt it go and made the decision that it was best and it broke my heart. I could feel for her and the loss of her animal - and here I am, four weeks away from my operation and I still can't feel much at all about it.

I'm trying though.

Any questions or feedback? Feel free to email me.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 11:29 AM

July 12, 2004

Feelin' Frisky

What I think is a little odd about my situation is the way I feel like my hormones have reacted lately.

I'm a perfectly healthy woman in a long relationship. We love each other and have wonderful intimacies and a great sex life.

But lately, since I was diagnosed, I've been feeling a bit of an increase in my libido.

I chalk this up to a couple of things. First, I was hiding my condition from my husband. I suspected the fibroids and with a uterus 16 week size, you can imagine that it's a hard thing to hide on a woman who's normally about a size 6 ... That went on for two years, me hiding this hard mass in my abdomen. Now that I'm not hiding it, now that he's felt it and agrees that it's not normal and should be taken care of, I'm not afraid of it anymore. I've been diagnosed, my general health is not in jeopardy and I'm feeling like my old self again.

Second, it turns out that the late thirties are the sexual peak for most women. So I'm hitting that now, and damnit, I'm gonna try to enjoy it as much as possible.

Third, I'm trying to make up for lost time. There'll be a period during my recovery where I won't be able to fool around (well, I'm told that fondling is okay after a few weeks, but no intercourse for at least six), so I need to stock up on all that good stuff now. I look at it as a workout - to make sure everything is in good working order before the procedure.

Any questions or feedback? Feel free to email me.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 3:23 PM

July 13, 2004

Careful Observation

I'm trying to take inventory of myself.

I want to know as much as possible about how I was before the operation, so I'll know when I'm back to normal, or possibly better than before.

I'm premenstrual right now, and I'm trying to observe as many of those symptoms as I can. About 10 days after I ovulate, my breasts get tender. My skin breaks out, I'm oilier. My lower back gets a dull ache. Sometimes I feel a little crabbier, a little bloated (but hell, who knows about what's causing the bloat these days). I seem to have more of a problem controlling my blood sugar, and I think it's because I crave more sugar when I'm premenstrual. More sugar and processes starches without balancing proteins and fats means that they run right through my blood and then I have a terrible crash. I'm having a slight bleeding discharge, just streaks of pink. I figure the bleeding will start in earnest on Saturday.

Of course because my hysterectomy will preserve my ovaries, I'm stuck with all these symptoms until I hit menopause. But they'll really be the only indication of my cycle in the future. They will be the cycle - there will be no "menstrual", only the "pre."

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 3:20 PM

July 18, 2004

The Prep Work

Today my husband and I went out to Target to pick up a few things for my recovery. He will be away until the week of the surgery, so I wanted his opinion on a few things.
 
First of all, it's hot right now in Southern California. I know, it's July and it should come as no surprise. But it is freaky hot. I notice it on weekends because we don't have air conditioning. During the week when I'm at work I have an air conditioner in my office and I don't notice things outside so much.
 
So, today we bought an oscillating fan that has a remote control. Sounds perfect for me, sitting across the room looking to control my own little climate.
 
At Target we also picked up some nightshirts. I've never really had pajamas, just sleep in an old tee.
 

I also stopped at Lather for a few very expensive aromatherapy candles. I figure I might want to pamper myself that way. 

I've been prepping the guest room, which we're calling the recovery room. I'm gathering my friends and keeping more in touch with my family.
 
I'm basically nesting and it helps me feel like I'm in control, because there's so much more out of my control.

Any questions or feedback? Feel free to email me.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 7:16 PM

July 19, 2004

What Your Doctor May Not Have Told You

About a year ago I was introduced to Dr. Lee's book, What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause. I read it, cover to cover and then went back and re-read the portions about fibroid tumors.

I'd not yet been to the doctor to confirm the fibroid diagnosis. I didn't have any other peri-menopausal symptoms. My bleeding was heavy, but had always been since I went off the pill when I was 22. My cycles were rather regular (a few hiccups, but usually attributable to illness or jetlag). The only thing that lead me to believe I had a hormone imbalance was the large mass that was amassing in my abdomen. So I tried progesterone cream for about six months, in hopes that it would do something about the largeness of my belly and perhaps make weight loss easier.

It did neither. I put on weight in January and February when I got a very bad case of bronchitis and kept on the cream until March when I started looking for a new doctor.

The thing about Dr. Lee's books is that I didn't care for the hyperbolistic style. I don't like how it seemed to make judgments about women who followed their doctor's recommendations. The book suggested that hormone creams and hormone balancing were a cure all. I don't think that's true. I'm not sure all of modern women's ills are caused by hormone imbalances that we can control.

Surgery is very serious and though we know a lot more about hysterectomies and the removal of ovaries, I'm not quite comfortable just tossing aside my uterus just because it has these abnormal and invasive growths. But how much time and effort can I invest in a therapy that takes so long and has such a low incidence of helping? The point really becomes, what caused these fibroids to grow in the first place? As far as I can tell, it's a genetic pre-disposition. My maternal grandmother's largest fibroid was the size of a grapefruit when it was removed, when she was five years older than I am now.

That was 35 years ago. Was she a victim of modern living, chemicals and hormones invading her body? Or is it just the way our family is built?

My grandmother lived to be 79 years old, died from congestive heart failure. Her first heart attack was only a few years after her radical hysterectomy. She was overweight and smoked. Do we blame the hysterectomy for her heart attack? No, we point the finger at genetics and her weight.

So why not point the finger for fibroids where it belongs. I'm just built to make them. Some women make ovarian cysts. I make fibroids.

And I've made the choice to stop making fibroids and remove my fibroid factory and only my fibroid factory.

Any questions or feedback? Feel free to email me.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 7:51 PM

July 21, 2004

A little off topic

About a year ago I was introduced to Dr. Lee's book, What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause. I read it, cover to cover and then went back and re-read the portions about fibroid tumors.
 
I'd not yet been to the doctor to confirm the fibroid diagnosis. I didn't have any other peri-menopausal symptoms. My bleeding was heavy, but had always been since I went off the pill when I was 22. My cycles were rather regular (a few hiccups, but usually attributable to illness or jetlag). The only thing that lead me to believe I had a hormone imbalance was the large mass that was amassing in my abdomen. So I tried progesterone cream for about six months, in hopes that it would do something about the largeness of my belly and perhaps make weight loss easier.

 
It did neither. I put on weight in January and February when I got a very bad case of bronchitis and kept on the cream until March when I started looking for a new doctor.
 
The thing about Dr. Lee's books is that I didn't care for the hyperbolistic style. I don't like how it seemed to make judgments about women who followed their doctor's recommendations. The book suggested that hormone creams and hormone balancing were a cure all. I don't think that's true. I'm not sure all of modern women's ills are caused by hormone imbalances that we can control.
 
Surgery is very serious and though we know a lot more about hysterectomies and the removal of ovaries, I'm not quite comfortable just tossing aside my uterus just because it has these abnormal and invasive growths. But how much time and effort can I invest in a therapy that takes so long and has such a low incidence of helping? The point really becomes, what caused these fibroids to grow in the first place? As far as I can tell, it's a genetic pre-disposition. My maternal grandmother's largest fibroid was the size of a grapefruit when it was removed, when she was five years older than I am now.

That was 35 years ago. Was she a victim of modern living, chemicals and hormones invading her body? Or is it just the way our family is built?

My grandmother lived to be 79 years old, died from congestive heart failure. Her first heart attack was only a few years after her radical hysterectomy. She was overweight and smoked. Do we blame the hysterectomy for her heart attack? No, we point the finger at genetics and her weight.

So why not point the finger for fibroids where it belongs. I'm just built to make them. Some women make ovarian cysts. I make fibroids.

And I've made the choice to stop making fibroids and remove my fibroid factory and only my fibroid factory.

Any questions or feedback? Feel free to email me.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 3:09 PM | Comments (1)

July 23, 2004

Does Anyone Wanna See Graphic Photos?

I'm considering taking lots of photos. My doctor promised me photos of the surgery and the fibroids and enlarged uterus.

I've never seen anyone's incision after surgery, and I was thinking of taking a photo of it every day as I heal.

Maybe it'll scare people or put them off.

I bruise easily. A lot.

I was reading online that redheads often have some sort of clotting problem. That sounds like me all over. I'm not a redhead like some women you see, not that orange hair and orange freckles and brown or green eyes.

I'm blue eyed, no real skin pigment (I can't tan, only burn then freckle) and my hair is a light brown that seems to turn coppery-red after it grows out a half an inch. I bruise. Oh man, do I bruise. And I get bloody noses.

These are all supposed to be some sort of thing that redheads are pre-disposed to.

I'm not sure why I bring this up. I'm a little worried about bleeding, but I'm set to give a unit of blood next Thursday.

Any questions or feedback? Feel free to email me.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 10:53 AM

July 27, 2004

An Ache That Can't Be Soothed

I'm considering taking lots of photos. My doctor promised me photos of the surgery and the fibroids and enlarged uterus.

I've never seen anyone's incision after surgery, and I was thinking of taking a photo of it every day as I heal.

Maybe it'll scare people or put them off.

I bruise easily. A lot.

I was reading online that redheads often have some sort of clotting problem. That sounds like me all over. I'm not a redhead like some women you see, not that orange hair and orange freckles and brown or green eyes.

I'm blue eyed, no real skin pigment (I can't tan, only burn then freckle) and my hair is a light brown that seems to turn coppery-red after it grows out a half an inch. I bruise. Oh man, do I bruise. And I get bloody noses.

These are all supposed to be some sort of thing that redheads are pre-disposed to.

I'm not sure why I bring this up. I'm a little worried about bleeding, but I'm set to give a unit of blood next Thursday.

Any questions or feedback? Feel free to email me.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 1:11 PM | Comments (1)

July 28, 2004

Ovulation

I'm ovulating.

I started yesterday.

My last gasp at fertility, I guess, since surgery is next week.

I'm all nervous today, too. Tomorrow I have my final exam at the doctors office and all the pre-surgical tests. Then, if that's not harrowing enough, I have a little break before I go to donate a unit of my own blood for the procedure. I used to donate blood all the time, at least a couple of times a year. I'm looking forward to being able to do that again next year.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 1:57 PM

Doing the Math

I'm ovulating.

I started yesterday.

My last gasp at fertility, I guess, since surgery is next week.

I'm all nervous today, too. Tomorrow I have my final exam at the doctors office and all the pre-surgical tests. Then, if that's not harrowing enough, I have a little break before I go to donate a unit of my own blood for the procedure. I used to donate blood all the time, at least a couple of times a year. I'm looking forward to being able to do that again next year.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 5:15 PM | Comments (5)

July 30, 2004

Pre-Op Day

I had my pre-op appointment yesterday morning. They took my blood for all the tests they do, did a urine sample for a pregnancy test. There was no exam, just a consult with the doctor as she explained the procedure again. She answered my questions.

No bowel prep the night before, just fasting from midnight on. Though I'll probably do a light dinner early in the evening and then clear fluids until bedtime.

The blood part was a little harder.

We decided to do it on my left, as my right is the one I usually donate blood from and figured we'd save that vein for later.

So she found what I thought was a rather minor one on my left arm and couldn't make a go of it, she moved the needle around a bit and the blood just trickled. So she tried again, new needle, new set of vials. That one worked just fine, she finished up and labled all the vials and bandaged me and I was set to go. Another nurse came in and noticed that she'd used the wrong vials (there's some sort of color coding with the caps) and she had to do it again! So three holes in one arm.

The other bizarre part of that visit was when they took my blood pressure it was something like 90/54. Kinda low, don't you think?

A little break from that and I headed over to the hospital for my autologous blood donation. It involved a bit of "pre-check-in" where I filled out a bunch of paperwork, but I guess that means less for next week when I actually show up for the surgery.

Then some blood screening. The good news is they ran my hematocrit, which has been too low for blood donation for at least four years (last time it was run was 31 and that was with occasional iron) - now I've been doing like 200% of my daily iron a day for the past two months and it worked, my hematocrit was 42! That puts me in a really good position to rebuild myself before the surgery next week too. (And that was after all the blood they took at the doctors office too!).

Oh, and my blood pressure there? 114/61. Much better.

I gave my unit of blood and was on my way. Home for a little lie down and then a good dinner. I'm feeling pretty good today, a little low on the energy scale. I'm worried about getting sick and it doesn' t help that the woman in the office next to me (they're adjoining) brought in her daughter today because she's too sick to go to day care. Now I'm paranoid and washing my hands every hour.

Posted by Elizabeth M. at 9:59 AM

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