June 19, 2004

Fat and Fit?

"I began to want to lose weight to be healthy. "

This is an excerpt from the last post I made. What to me is a healthy weight? When can I be happy with my weight? I don't know. I believe that it is 100% possible to be fat and fit. Generally people who are fat and fit aren't people in need of weight loss surgery. A few may be, but I have never run across a morbidly obese person who was fit.

When I first had surgery, I would have been happy with any weight under 200. In fact, I celebrated when I weighed 200 lbs. The weight kept coming off, and coming off. I got to 140-145 lbs and stabalized. I was happy. I was less than half of what I started. Then my ex-husband and I seperated and divorced, and I was taking a medication that kills the appetite. I got down to 123 lbs. I was skeletal, but I was tiny. Being able to wear a size 6 was amazing. I rushed out and bought tons of little jeans. Jeans that 145 lbs I can't get up over my big thighs. I'm sure I'd be much happier if I just threw those jeans away, but I can't.

I live in constant fear of weight gain. I got to be 300+ lbs because each time I went up a size I accepted it and promised never to gain weight. Whenever the scale went up 5 lbs, I attributed it to water weight, and promised myself that it wouldn't go up again. And that I'd cut back a little to loose the extra 5 lbs. The result was that I gained and gained and gained over a period of 20 years.

What weight is my healthy weight? I'm sure I'd still be happy (and healthy) at 150 lbs, 175 lbs, but I want to do my best not to get there. Because I fear that soon after it will be 200 lbs, and then 225 lbs. But here's the glitch. I can diet, count fat, carbs, calories, protein, limit sugar, EVERYTHING and get down to 135 lbs. It takes constant diligence. It's a full time job. OR I can eat what I want, in moderation of course, and be 145 lbs. Is the 10 lbs worth the constant battle? Personally, I don't think so. Remember, my goal was/is to be healthy.

Which is probably why I haven't looked into plastic surgery until recently. It's been close to 4 years since I had surgery. I have an estimated 10-12 lbs of extra skin on my body(see I really am 130ish) and it really hasn't bothered me. I don't wear short sleeved shirts often because the skin hangs down pretty low. I wear 3/4 length sleeves. The pannus (hanging stomach) is really starting to bother me. I have my first appointment in FL at the end of July. Depending on how that goes, it'll be a big part of this diary. If I don't get plastic surgery, I'll continue to live my life. Is the pain and recovery worth it? I don't know.

Now, if you're thinking about having weight loss surgery, and the thought of skin is keeping you from doing it, then weight loss surgery isn't for you. Period. At the very least, you aren't ready because you're looking for excuses not to have it done. I get tons and tons of emails from people who don't want to have surgery because they don't want to deal with the skin afterwards. I have little patience for these people, and tell them so. I don't suffer fools. The skin is there now anyway, it's just stretched over fat. The skin isn't going to give you diabetes, or heart disease. It doesn't, as far as I know, increase your risk for cancer. It doesn't keep you from being able to cross your legs, or to bend over to tie your shoes. It doesn't make you piss your pants when you laugh, sneeze, or cough. It can be a little painful (mine sometimes get a tingling sensation, like it's falling "asleep"), but nothing compared to carrying around what is equivalent to an extra human being. And you can hide your skin with clothes. Sure, I won't wear a bathing suit in public, and I can't wear short shorts and cute short sleeved shirts, but at I can shop in the misses and juniors section of NORMAL stores and not at Layne Bryant or Catherine's.

I've been trying to think about things to blog about. The unique perspective that I can offer is that I had surgery a few years ago, when not a lot of people were having it done. People wonder about life 1,3,5,10 years later. I'm not that far out, but I'm getting there. Perhaps the best hope I can offer is that I am normal now. I still consider myself an obese person. In my mental picture, I am still fat. I don't know if that'll go away. Perhaps after plastic surgery? I don't know. If I want a piece of birthday cake at a party, I'll have a piece. Being able to leave food on my plate, and not to have the compulsion to "clean the plate" has been liberating. My tastes have changed. I now like vegetables, and if there is something that I particularly don't care for, I don't eat it. Pre-op I would've eaten anything edible just because it was put in front of me. I enjoy cooking now, before I just prepared and ate food. I look at food totally different now. No longer is it an addiction or compulsion, but it's a pleasure, something to be enjoyed.

I guess the short version is that as a "thinner" person, I have to still learn to be comfortable with my weight without being too comfortable so as to not risk becoming obese again. I am healthier since having a gastric bypass, and have probably added 20 years to my life and an unmeasurable amount of quality to my life. But there are certainly things I could do to even make myself more healthy. Like exercise. I was more healthy at 200 lbs than I am now, because at 200 lbs, I went to the gym everyday. But I do have a gym membership, I just never go.

If you have any specific questions, please let me know. There is such a variety of things that I'd like to talk about. There's the change in yourself after surgery, not only physically, but mentally. The change in the way people treat you. Society treats you better, but family and friends sometimes treat you like an alien and can't, or struggle, to accept the change in you. I'll get to these all eventually, but if there's something you're itching to know about, let me know. I'll answer anything, and if I don't know the answer, I know about 50 people who are also WLS patients, so I'm sure we could come up with one.

Posted by Manda on June 19, 2004 7:31 AM

Posted by: Anonymous at June 23, 2004 9:40 AM

Posted by: Manda at June 26, 2004 9:21 PM

Posted by: amber at November 17, 2004 2:58 PM