Feeling confused

I'm feeling very confused tonight. Things with my husband are so bad, I just don't know what to do about it or where to turn.

It has been so bad that I've been wondering if Jamie would miss me if I gave DH full custody of him while I get full custody of Sammie. Jamie is only six months old. He probably wouldn't even remember me. But that's such stupid thinking. I could never give up my son.

My DH is an impossible person. He's prickly and mean and old and unhealthy. His family is loud and likes to swear and drink. I just don't FIT here. This isn't right. Everything feels wrong.

I think that maybe I got fat and let myself get run down so that I would feel more like I fit in at this level. Like I belong in this mess.

But I don't.

I deserve better. And I want better. But I just don't know how to GET it. I think about running away sometimes but I don't have enough money saved to support the kids. If my parents lived far away I could go to them. But leaving here means leaving my work.

But sometimes I think about it. More and more often. The other day I went to the bank to draw out some money. I imagined in my head what it would be like if I was emptying an account and leaving for somewhere. Just me and the kids. Where would I go?

I need to save more money. Because someday (soon) I might imagine myself leaving and not be able to resist the urge. I'll need money...and I'll probably have to wait until the kids are both in public school full-time so that I wouldn't have to worry so much about day care. That means four more years of living here. Four more years to save up. Then I might just pick up and go. And my kiddos are going with me.

It would be hard to leave my parents though. I don't know why. A part of me is drawn to them when I feel like leaving my husband. I want to run home. Even though that "home" isn't safe either.

I need to find my own place in this world. I think it's out there somewhere. This isn't it.

Four years. Maybe by then my family's business will be ready to retire and I won't have to worry about leaving my work. Maybe by then I could establish myself in the freelance field...somehow.

All I know is that this isn't where I am meant to be. And I want out. Somehow.

I haven't been pulling my hair at all. I did pull about seven eyelashes in the past three days. I want to stop that again. My eyelashes were really looking full and beautiful. They look okay now but I want every single lash grown in where it belongs.

My hair is going through some kind of awkward phase right now. It looks funny in the back. The part where I pull from the top/back was pretty bad and the hair growing in is only 2-3" long and it wants to stick straight out. Funny looking.

I'm 3+ months nearly pull free. I'm going for a year this time. And I don't think anything is going to stop me. I'm ready to finally be what I deserve.

Until next time.

Posted by Cody on October 29, 2006 7:29 PM