January 6, 2005
Horrible Day
Today was a horrible day. I was 1 hour and 15 minutes late for work because I couldn't wake up which was because I did not sleep well at all last night. Every little thing bothered me while trying to get to sleep. Any sort of noise or light seemed to be magnified 10x. I also had a demonic image transform in my head when I closed my eyes. That always scares me when something pops up like that.
I thought work was going pretty well until today. It was the second day back from Christmas vacation and everything seems to be headed downhill. What really set me off was when I received a phone call at work from a collection agency about a stupid medical bill which I have no idea about. I probably forgot to handle the bill because it is so hard for me to get everything straight in my head and try to remember every little thing. Even if I had received the collection agency's letter I would not have been able to call them because I feel they are part of the people who are against me who are trying to hurt me and my family. The only way I can correspond with people is by mail or e-mail so that I can be sure that they cannot hurt me. It is tough to communicate this way but is the only way I can feel comfortable and safe.
My stress level raises tremendously when I step outside my own house because that is where all the danger is and the people who want nothing but to harm me and my family. I still manage to go out and do small things but it is very hard. I find it almost impossible to leave my car if I am not at home without my "safe person" with me. Lately this has been my 3 and a half year old daughter since my husband has been having to work all of the time. My problem with having my daughter there is that they can hurt her too. I still feel safer having someone there with me. There's strength in numbers.
Last night I happened to accidentally see a segment on the news as I was passing through a room in my house. I never watch the news because it makes my anxiety so bad. It makes me even more terrified of people. I know these bad people are out there and that I am their target. A lot of times when I am driving they will ride up behind me very closely with their big bright lights. They will follow me until they figure out I know they are following and then they will turn. Sometimes they know that I know they are following and they still follow me to intimidate me and scare me to death. Everytime I am on the roads they harass me. Only sometimes when I am driving really late at night do they not know I am out. My anxiety is constant when I am out of the house.
No pill or therapy has ever made my anxiety and paranoia go away. My last psychiatrist actually told me to get out more and that the more time I spent interacting in society, the better I would feel. I tried this for a good while and it only seemed to be getting worse. It makes no difference how long I am out. The anxiety is there and is very constant and unchanging. I also never told my doctor how bad it was so I don't think he understood the severity of it.
It's terrifying for me to think of actually telling my doctor the truth about what is going on in my head. I'm fearful that they will stick me away into a state mental health facility and take my daughter away from me. Then people would be able to get to my daughter to harm her. It is my job and responsibility to take care of and protect her. I believe even with my illness I do a decent job of taking care of her. She's always clean and fed even if I am having a hard day. I manage to make sure her basic needs are met. Everyday things can sometimes cause me so much anxiety that I just want to shut down and do nothing because it is so much to process about in my mind to get the task done. A hill can seem like a mountain to me if you understand the analogy.
My emotions have been cycling out of control lately. I hear really bad news from a friend or coworker and it has no effect whatsoever on me. It's like I cannot feel sympathy for that person at all. I just kind of stand there with a blank look and say I'm sorry to the person. Other times when I am all alone I can hear a song or even someone on the TV can say "I love you" and I will burst into tears. It's just an emotional rollercoaster the way my moods and emotions can change so rapidly with no predictability. This is one reason I came to be diagnosed as being bipolar. The schizophrenia has recently come about as a result of the worsening symptoms of paranoia, images in my head, and other symptoms.
It can be such a relief to know that what you are going through is an actual disorder and has it's own name. In other words I am not really crazy but I have a brain disorder that just makes me seem crazy. There are others out there who are going through similar things! We need to give each other support so that we don't feel so alone in this big world.
Posted by Stephanie on January 6, 2005 7:46 PM
Hi-
I am not sure if you are still checking this site. I just want to tell you I think you are doing a great job. I have a three-year-old too, and there are MANY days when I really struggle. I do not have a disease like you do that makes it even more difficult. Being a mother is hard, much harder than I ever imagined it would be, and definitely harder than its given credit for. I am proud of you for working hard to do the right thing for your child. Keep it up, but also don't forget to ask for help. Even if you're not suicidal, your local suicide hotline (which you can find in a phone book or online) can direct you to places where you can get help for low or no cost. You have a biological disease, and the fact that you are doing so well at holding everything together really shows how amazingly strong you are. It would be easier for you if you had medication that made your brain function better. I hope you consider calling a hotline, or a church (pick any big church out of the phone book) and just tell them "I have schizophrenia and I need help." Stay strong and know that there are lots and lots of people in the world who are ON YOUR SIDE.
Posted by: Catharine at July 27, 2005 8:08 PM
I agree you have so much you have achieved in life... I just want to say this because i didnt want to just pass thru without saying anything. I also had severe Sz until I took my meds, on again and off again....until i realised i needed them. i also wish I had support through this... It is only on the internet recently that I have begun to find it... well best wishes and all the best.
Posted by: Kathy at February 2, 2008 2:26 AM
Hi , my brother suffers from paranoid sz & whenever the symptoms start coming back...it breaks my heart.
I can completely empathize with your problem .
Kudos to you for managing so well uptil now. I wish you well .
Posted by: pearl at July 25, 2008 4:23 AM
Hi, I feel for ya. I am the same way, however my husband has to force me to go out. I would rather stay home cause I am scared that someone is going to purposely crash into me, rob me, or watching me. I feel as though someone is watching me in my own house. I think that my phone is tapped. Your not the only crazy one here. I have two kids that I strive to take care of everyday and everyday is a challenge for me. I was diagnonsed with bipolar 2 years ago but i have been having accompanying symptoms for the past year. I am to scared to go to the doctor and tell her about my delusions and my parania, and that i have been forgetting everything (very shortterm memory loss) I cannot remmeber anything. My daughter got me a forgetmenot pad of paper for me to write things on. shouid i go get checked out?
Posted by: Raileen at January 19, 2009 12:32 PM