January 26, 2005

I am 24 years old still trying to figure out what to do with my life. Right now I am feeling like I just want to be a housewife because that's what I can do. It's what I am doing now. I then kinda wish I could make a salary but it just is so overwhelming to think about actually doing it. I am just too confused. What if my husband leaves me and I have no money? That scares me. I feel like he doesn't understand either and if he can't then who can? Sometimes I do things that make no sense and people can't understand that. I don't do it as much as I used to because I am much more mature than before. I seem to do stupid things and then regret them after I have done them but of course then it is too late to take things back. All I want is to feel satisfied in my life and to not be scared of everything anymore. Everyday is a struggle to survive and get through. I am so glad that there is not an easy way to kill myself because if there was I would probably do it because I feel like no one wants me on this earth and that I am causing more pain and I just plain don't fit in. Nobody feels like I do. Therefore no one can understand.

Continue reading "What To Do?"

Posted by Stephanie at 4:34 PM | Comments (2)

January 13, 2005

Have been working for the past couple of days so I haven't had much chance to write. Also have been having problems with my appliances in the house! No, they haven't been talking to me or anything schizo-like but they have just all been messing up at one time. Just when I can't afford to just go replace them. I guess that's how it always happens.

Work has been going wonderfully. I feel like my dark cloud has lifted a little. That's how my disease does. It goes for periods of bad and good. My paranoia never goes away but I am less likely to react to it when I am going through a good period. I realize I still need to seek medical attention as soon as I am financially able because when it all goes downhill again I put myself and others at serious risk. When I am in my fog I don't realize how bad it is and I just want to fall off the face of the earth. I just hope and pray that I die while in this. I can't control my thoughts or emotions.

Don't want to write too much because I have a lot to do before work tommorow and need to get started. If I take it slow I can make it so I am not so overwhelmed.

Posted by Stephanie at 3:51 PM | Comments (0)

January 6, 2005

Today was a horrible day. I was 1 hour and 15 minutes late for work because I couldn't wake up which was because I did not sleep well at all last night. Every little thing bothered me while trying to get to sleep. Any sort of noise or light seemed to be magnified 10x. I also had a demonic image transform in my head when I closed my eyes. That always scares me when something pops up like that.

I thought work was going pretty well until today. It was the second day back from Christmas vacation and everything seems to be headed downhill. What really set me off was when I received a phone call at work from a collection agency about a stupid medical bill which I have no idea about. I probably forgot to handle the bill because it is so hard for me to get everything straight in my head and try to remember every little thing. Even if I had received the collection agency's letter I would not have been able to call them because I feel they are part of the people who are against me who are trying to hurt me and my family. The only way I can correspond with people is by mail or e-mail so that I can be sure that they cannot hurt me. It is tough to communicate this way but is the only way I can feel comfortable and safe.

My stress level raises tremendously when I step outside my own house because that is where all the danger is and the people who want nothing but to harm me and my family. I still manage to go out and do small things but it is very hard. I find it almost impossible to leave my car if I am not at home without my "safe person" with me. Lately this has been my 3 and a half year old daughter since my husband has been having to work all of the time. My problem with having my daughter there is that they can hurt her too. I still feel safer having someone there with me. There's strength in numbers.

Last night I happened to accidentally see a segment on the news as I was passing through a room in my house. I never watch the news because it makes my anxiety so bad. It makes me even more terrified of people. I know these bad people are out there and that I am their target. A lot of times when I am driving they will ride up behind me very closely with their big bright lights. They will follow me until they figure out I know they are following and then they will turn. Sometimes they know that I know they are following and they still follow me to intimidate me and scare me to death. Everytime I am on the roads they harass me. Only sometimes when I am driving really late at night do they not know I am out. My anxiety is constant when I am out of the house.

No pill or therapy has ever made my anxiety and paranoia go away. My last psychiatrist actually told me to get out more and that the more time I spent interacting in society, the better I would feel. I tried this for a good while and it only seemed to be getting worse. It makes no difference how long I am out. The anxiety is there and is very constant and unchanging. I also never told my doctor how bad it was so I don't think he understood the severity of it.

It's terrifying for me to think of actually telling my doctor the truth about what is going on in my head. I'm fearful that they will stick me away into a state mental health facility and take my daughter away from me. Then people would be able to get to my daughter to harm her. It is my job and responsibility to take care of and protect her. I believe even with my illness I do a decent job of taking care of her. She's always clean and fed even if I am having a hard day. I manage to make sure her basic needs are met. Everyday things can sometimes cause me so much anxiety that I just want to shut down and do nothing because it is so much to process about in my mind to get the task done. A hill can seem like a mountain to me if you understand the analogy.

My emotions have been cycling out of control lately. I hear really bad news from a friend or coworker and it has no effect whatsoever on me. It's like I cannot feel sympathy for that person at all. I just kind of stand there with a blank look and say I'm sorry to the person. Other times when I am all alone I can hear a song or even someone on the TV can say "I love you" and I will burst into tears. It's just an emotional rollercoaster the way my moods and emotions can change so rapidly with no predictability. This is one reason I came to be diagnosed as being bipolar. The schizophrenia has recently come about as a result of the worsening symptoms of paranoia, images in my head, and other symptoms.

It can be such a relief to know that what you are going through is an actual disorder and has it's own name. In other words I am not really crazy but I have a brain disorder that just makes me seem crazy. There are others out there who are going through similar things! We need to give each other support so that we don't feel so alone in this big world.

Posted by Stephanie at 7:46 PM | Comments (4)