February 22, 2005

Dreams Of The Slasher

I was up late last night and happened to be in the mood to watch a movie when I noticed one of the movie channels was about to run a documentary called The Slasher about a guy who is a mercenary used-car salesman, called in by various lots across the country to make a big splash and up their sales numbers.
My primary interest in seeing it was because my father was (and probably still is...) a used car salesman most of his life. In fact, the only possession of his that I own (if it can be called a possession) is one of his business cards from a car dealership he was working at shortly before my parents separated back in 1968 or so.
Watching the documentary last night was difficult in many ways, the level of surreality was not helped along by the fact that the great majority of the film takes place on a lot in Memphis, a town I lived in for many years. I recognized many of the places in the film and was very familiar with the dealership the guy was called in to work at.
So I'm watching this movie, going in with the idea that it might give me some insight into my father's job at the very least. If you read the link to the review of the film I posted above you'll see the documentary is not very complimentary toward car salesmen. Here was this (probably) alcoholic salesman who always seemed to be on the make, with little time for family or anything besides selling. When not at work, he's nursing a beer, seemingly drunk at all off-duty times.
My folks separated then divorced when I was ten and I've seen my father only a handful of times since then. The personality I saw in the movie last night matched his so closely it was eerie.
Seeing the salesman in the film scam people into buying cars they could ill-afford or that were lemons made me consider what kind of a life my father has had.
My feelings were not so much anger as it was sadness. If I had a job that people cringe and grab their wallets when they hear of it, it would strike deep at my sense of self-worth. For so many men, their identity is tied in with their occupaton so if the occupation has sort of a shadow of dishonesty over it, perhaps that darkness will cast a pall over the rest of their life. Perhaps this is why there is the drinking, the attempt to dull away the feelings that won't seem to go away otherwise. With my sadness came a bit of insight into my father's life.
After watching the show I slept and had a long drawn-out dream where I was attempting to confront my father about things that happened in his life, why things turned out as they had.
The discussion we had became a shouting match on occasion as I tried to understand him, to get to the reason for why things happened. I'm not a shouter in person so this was probably an acting out, via the dream, of my frustration in resolving our issues. I don't remember a lot of the dream or what was said or resolved, if anything, but I woke up with the desire to talk one on one with my father and explain that in life I had gone through some things that made me understand why adults act the way they do sometimes. As a child I had no understanding of divorce or the heartache and choices that might lead up to that. Without that understanding I couldn't accept his behavior or actions. Thirty years later, on the other side of a divorce now myself, I have a perspective on it that I couldn't have otherwise possessed.
Whether this talk with my father will ever materialize is open to debate and doubt. I've tried before and made the discovery that people aren't always able to give what is needed and we all communicate in our own ways.
Enough for this time, huh?
Thanks for listening.

Posted by Lalo on February 22, 2005 12:18 PM

Posted by: Anonymous at May 29, 2005 6:33 AM

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