Main » July 2004
July 24, 2004
A very difficult time...
I'm sory I have not posted much in the last few days. I've been rather down in the dumps with what is going on with my son. Dan's psychologist called me yesterday. She told me that Dan was in pretty bad shape and that we could expect him to be where he is for a lengthy amount of time. He has been put back on anti-psychotic meds but they are not having any effect on him yet. Another issue is that Dan wants to sign himself out of the hospital against medical advice. His p doc cannot allow this currently as Dan is considered potentially suicidal/homicidal. She will be getting an attorney and they will go to court where Dan will losehis guardianship to whomever the court appoints....most likely the team of doctors and therapists that are working with Dan. No one from our family has talked with Dan because he is unable to conversewith anyone due to the psychotic state he is in. I have to work this afternoon, but my husband is going to go see Dan this afternoon. I have tomorrow afternoon off so I will have to wait till then to see Dan.
What can I say? I am trying to cope, doing ok with it...but have a broken heart!
Posted by Kathy at 07:41 AM | Comments (0)
July 21, 2004
He Is A Super Hero..
Well, my son still thinks he is a super hero and is going to save the world from the evils of ET. I know this is schizophrenia doing the talking in him.
Today he is supposed to be started on new anti-psychotic meds. I have no idea how long it will take for them to kick in and work. They took 4 mos to get out of his system....I only hope it doesn't take that long for them to do their work in him now. I miss him and I have got to get myself ok with him living in a group home. With the help of God and supportive people in my life I will try to be strong for the sake of my family. I am needed to hold things together.
Posted by Kathy at 08:29 AM | Comments (4)
July 19, 2004
A Major Relapse...
Today my son was admitted into a psych hospital. He has had a total relapse into schizophrenia. I thought something like this was in the wind but it's still a shock when it happens. On Sunday night he and his friend went to see a late movie. At 6 am I received a phone call from my son's friend saying that Dan was at a hospital. I got there ASAP! Dan was talking about all kinds of bizarre things. He said that he had tried to kill ET a few years ago....but he wasn't able to. Now we need to "notify the President of the US" to let him know that ET poses grave danger to all people. My son wants to train with "Rocky Balboa" so he can take ET out. He is also hallucinating many other things, people, hearing voices...etc. Dan tells me that he quit taking a lot of his meds 4 months ago. He stated that they made him sleep too many hours and he was tired of it. He has hardly been taking any meds of late. This afternoon I counted 32 bottles of meds that I found hidden. This is such a disappointment! Dan was so close to getting his own apartment and a good job. Now it is unlikely that any of that is possible. Dan wants to go to a group home when he is discharged from the hospital. He is afraid to return to my condo...too many memories of seeing horrific things.
I feel heartbroken.
Posted by Kathy at 12:25 PM | Comments (0)
July 17, 2004
A Bit Of A Relapse?
My son Dan has been doing just terrific for a long time until early this morning. He began have auditory and visual hallucinations. Schizophrenia is such a difficult illness to understand. From what my son told me he was triggered by a couple of programs he watched on TV....and shortly after that he began to notice himself experiencing these SZ symptoms. Right now he is asleep and I am hoping that when he awakes that he will be doing better
Posted by Kathy at 06:16 AM | Comments (0)
July 15, 2004
Locked In Fear...
There was one pitiable incident that happened in all of our lives that forever changed things. Years ago my husband & I had newspaper routes. I had abut 400 customers and my husband had about half that many....largely because he was also working a full time job. Our kids used to take turns gong with their dad to deliver papers.
Dan was about 7 at the time.....and it was his turn to go with his father on the paper route. I was feeling particularly frustrated with Dan as he was having one of his more difficult days and nothing I did seemed to make it any better. When my husband and Dan came home from delivering the papers Dan ran and threw himself into my arms. My husband was on a raging spree...yelling...cursing...stomping around. Dan clung to me and I wrapped my arms around him not knowing what had happened or what to expect. My husband told me to pack Dan's things and put him out on the street. Well, it was November, cold, dark, and NO WAY was I going to put one of my kids out of the house. So I said "no". My husband's rage turned to an even more dangerous level...I had defied him!
At one point my husband went upstairs and I thought to myself....he is getting his gun and is going to shoot us all. I was frozen to the spot and Dan was still clinging to me. Thankfully he didn't come back with the gun but was ranting and raving like crazy. This went on for days and then he finally stopped talking altogether for about a week.
During this time I got glimpses of Dans body and found him horribly bruised. His father had beaten, kicked, screamed, cursed him all during the paper route that one day. Dan now walked around with his shoulders hunched as if waiting for the next blow. At this point I took Dan in to start seeing a children's therapist. I also told my husband that if he touched Dan again he would have to go through me to get to him. and that I would call children's protective services myself if he so much as touched Dan.
He was angry...oh was my husband angry! I was scared half to death myself. If my husband found out that I was taking Dan for therapy there would be hell to pay...but Dan needed it badly....so the risk was worth it. Unfortunately the longer Dan was in therapy it became evident that the beatings had started years ago....but he was not hit hard enough to leave any bruises...just enough to scare him half to death. Also, the beatings took place when I was gone from home. So I began to take Dan with me wherever I went in order to protect.
I admit, I was a real moron for staying with my husband.....but I was his victim too. He was abusive to me and I felt like I had to help him and that one day it would stop. So I stayed in the marriage. Looking back I wish I had left many years ago. Maybe some of Dan's mental illnesses wouldn't be so severe if I had left. I don't know...I did what I thought was the right thing at the time....but I'm afraid that I didn't do right by my son. I should have left....long ago.
Posted by Kathy at 04:30 AM | Comments (0)
July 14, 2004
More than one diagnosis
When Dan first entered long term psychiatric hospitalization his main diagnosis was Anorexia. Over the period of his 15th year he dropped 60 lbs in 3 months. I was horrified when this was happening. My husbnad and myself had taken great care that no emphasis be put on food or body size....just becaue I didn't want any of my kids to have to struggle with ana like I did. But low and behold my son decided one summer to lose some weight. He he stopped at losing 10 - 15 lbs he woudl have been fine...but there was nostopping him. By the end of his 15th summer he would eat only leafs of lettuce and small bowls of mustard. He was in and out of psych wards like a revolving door. Finally he was put into long term treatment.
He was so thin that they just about put him in a medical hospital at first. I was told to be prepared for the worst bcause he was beyond what you would call thin. At the first hospital he was in they centered all their efforts on his problems with anorexia. And they were successful. To this day he weighs a normal weight, and has noe of the classic straits fo someone with an ED...for which I am eternally gratefull.
While in the first hospital it became very clear that Dan had OCD. I pretty much knew he had that from the years of raising him. He would re-do the same homework page 12 times if he was allowed to do so. His belongings seemed to own him instead of the other way around.
And then there was the Dx of schizophrenia looming in the future. It was more than I felt I could bear. When Dan went into long term treatment his older sister decided to move into a group home. She and Dan were very close and she could not cope with living in the house without him there. So we looked around for a good group home provider and she entered one at the all too young age of 18.
Within the span of 6 months I went from having 3 kids at home to 1 at home. I was hearbroken.
Posted by Kathy at 04:55 AM | Comments (0)
July 10, 2004
Finding a cure for schizophrenia....
Because I have two grown kids who have schizophrenia, a cure would be the most marvelous miracle anyone could hand me...or to the rest of the population who tries to cope with this mental illness. Watching your kids talk to someone who is not there is not fun at all!
My son Dan asks me often..."did you call me" and of course I didn't call him....it's just something he alone "hears". Or the paranoia that comes with SZ. Dan has different things he is VERY afraid of. One of them is bees. If he even comes near one he runs for his life...whichc looks rather odd since you can't see anything following him.
A cure....I don't read any hard evidence that the medical profession is anywhere close to a cure. The best they have been able to do is to develop new meds that have less side effects and work more efficiently than the older meds. One of these days...one of these years though I DO believe they will have a cure.
My son has accepted the fact that SZ is something you have for life. It won't go away, you can't get healed of it....you live with it for the rest of your life. Me? I keep hoping for a cure.
Posted by Kathy at 10:38 AM | Comments (0)
July 08, 2004
A Heartbreaking incident....
During the time that my son was hospitalized he attempted to commit suicide once. I don't know if there is anything more painful as your loved child attmepting to take his life. He had written good-bye notes to the family. He then took a sharp pencil and attempted to pierce his heart. He did break through his chest wall but not into his heart. When the hospital called me I was without words. They considered this a very serious attempt because of all the planning that he had done. Also I had found out that it WAS possible to stab yourself in the heart with a pencil....it had been done before fatally wounding the person. Needless to say Dan was put on suicide watch and we as a fmaily were left to nurse our wounds as well as show as much love and compassion possible to Dan. What else could we do at that point?
Posted by Kathy at 03:52 AM | Comments (0)
Getting A Job...
In regards to my son, Dan, getting a job has been near impossible. He can work but there is anough about his body language that people can tell he is different. For one entire year he has been submitting applications to at least 25 locations around where we live....to no avail. One potential employer had the audacity to tear Dan's application up and throw it in front of Dan and himself. I didn't find out about that experience till several weeks later.
Today we have someone from a place called New Horizons coming to our house to try to find Dan a job. I hope it goes well...Dan has done way more than his share fo trying to make this happen.
Posted by Kathy at 03:41 AM | Comments (0)
July 06, 2004
The Beginning's Of Schizophrenia...
Schizophrenia...I'll refer to it as SZ....was VERY noticeable by the time my son was finally Dx's. At first the Dx was SZ affective....but within weeks it was changed to SZ. I felt like I was losing my son....and I was...to an insidious mental illness. Now, instead of seeing the usual things one does.... my son saw all kinds of odd and terrifying things. It really makes me wonder if the brain is wired differently, if it's chemical...or what. My son would think he was some sort of super comic character and that he could go around blowing up buildings by just looking at them. Of course he "blew up" the building/part of the hospital he was in!
He would see 8 ft. long snakes following him. He believed he was on a quest to rid the world of insects and for one summer was busy either buying or using bug spray. I can't tell you all how much money went down the drain on that one.
He would also see "bigfoot's" following him. At one point he said he was abducted into an alien spaceship, sexually abused, and had homing beacons drilled into his teeth so that "they" could always know where he was. Nothing anyone said could dislodge this belief that this most likely did not happen. To my son ...it was real..it happened and "they were always following him.
At this point we, my husband and I, had to give up our dreams and hopes we had for our son , he was so very mentally ill. Much of the time he didn't even realize who he was or where he was...he was just "out there"....somewhere. He couldn't finish the rest of high school ( he was 16 at the time)...driving a car was out of the question. He wasn't showing the usual attraction towards any females....but was not gay either.
We did get one big time break. After being on countless anti-psychotic meds....none of which worked on him....he finally qualified to be tried on clozaril. Clozaril is a very tightly controled drug used for the most severe cases of psychosis. Taken with other anti-psych meds it fiinally began bringing a little of our son back to us. He took quite a few meds. Two different anti-psychotic meds, one to control the seizures that clozaril created and several anti-depressants.
Posted by Kathy at 01:19 PM | Comments (0)
