Tailspins: Lashing Out!

No numbers today, mental issues. Yesterday I just sat in my boarded up prison with no lights until long into the evening. I’m angry and want to vent it physically but that kind of hatred just lays me low. I’m catatonic with disgust in my growing hatred of the people working on this building and the way they keep affecting my life without a care. When I talked to the corporate slug they sent up to handle things she hung up on me. All the things I’ve thought up to do to these soulless demons really puts me into the same boat with them which makes me feel even more depressed than being boarded up with no television again! Then I decided to just have the satellite service discontinued. When I tried to cancel it they offered credits and someone to fix the satellite but it wouldn’t be for another 5 days. I told them no deal I wanted it gone, so of course they escalate the service call to happen if anyone cancels. They give me an appointment today from 8 AM to Noon, only to call them after NOON and someone screwed up and didn’t schedule me. It just wears me down. It all feels like more beatings and more “You’re not worthy” bashing. I told my sweetie I was going to cancel and he pleaded for me not to because he thinks I’ll drive him nuts being imprisoned with no contact from the outside world. He’s right I know, but still. I’ve lived without television before of course I was working away from home and got some sense that I was connected to the rest of the world then, and certainly got the news hook or crook or by the occasional newspaper left on the passengers’ seats.

My mom is getting more upset that I’m getting upset. I’ve tried to explain to her that when people are coming and going on your deck and hammering on your bedroom wall at 8am when you don’t expect it or haven’t been notified it just feels like I’ve being violated again and again just like the beatings on the bus, or getting robbed etc. The fact someone “acts upon you without your permission or agreement” feels so wrong to the core. It’s like date rape, which I have experienced. You can’t believe it’s happening or happened especially since it’s almost always with someone you’re an acquaintance with, or will see on a daily/regular basis. You feel stupid and weak for allowing it to happen, but then you’re not really in proper composure for whatever reason to do so. It’s beyond not being in control, it’s a heinous act all around if you ask me because of how you’re left feeling . . . Raped.

I know I’m slipping deeper into depression because I don’t want to leave the apartment for any reason. For one, I can’t be sure they won’t enter my apartment; they’ve done that without asking when they were pulling out the windows. Two, I feel so weak and oppressed that I can barely face myself in the mirror. I feel like somehow I’ve brought this on myself, which creeps me out even more! My little fur balls aren’t much happier, but then they’re going off my emotions I’m sure. It’s just a creepy time here. My sweetie says that it just might be time to move and break the lease. He’s probably right but moving to a new town after all this crap and how it makes me feel is probably not going to fare well on our relationship. I’m so ready to jump out of my skin, or just be dead and gone. Last night I thought about suicide especially since I have the dogs’ welfare planned out if something happened to me. I just can’t bear how suicide would affect my friends and family. My mom would be devastated, not to mention my sweetie. I guess that’s how you suicide-proof your life. Have a conscience and have loved one who would feel the assault of your act on them. Sigh. Nowhere to go! That’s driving me crazier than a June bug in August! To think I was feeling so good 2 days ago. I wonder if PTSD will be with me forever. I’ve been told to liken it to a head injury. Once you have one you’re susceptible to repeat injuries rather easily, or more serious ones because that area is so weak, like aneurysms. Instead of having a baby I was beaten up and I received PTSD that I get to coddle and nurture and neglect and have forced back on me time and time and time again until I die. And the worse part is everyone walking around me that don’t know me, could throw me over the edge by how they treat me… they just don’t know it, and I don’t know when.

Posted by ijellorca on November 3, 2006 3:12 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl