“MOre”

Thought for sure I’d lose a couple pounds, but I’ll work with this. Morning meal: carrots and green grapes. No Dressing. I know this means more water and more exercise it’s the only thing I can come up with. By next Monday I definitely want to be within 370 lbs of my goal. I know that’s a lot but I know I can conserve my calories a wee bit more. I have a lunch date on Sunday coming up and a possible day trip in the next 2 days, but I can have salads wherever I go. If I halve my dressing and croutons for the day I can conserve even more or just stick to a salad a day and a couple slices of cheese. I might even call Fridays and Saturdays Protein shake days. I’m going to get within the 370 or danged close to it by Monday! I’ve got to break through this plateau! I’ll have to get another walk in with the dogs too, maybe even hit the dog park a couple times this week. They have a steep line of stairs to the lower arena where people throw their Frisbees for the dogs. I’m afraid to go down them because they’re probably 60-70 feet high and I’d have to come back up them or walk way far around to get back to the top. Maybe after I drop 100 lbs I’ll tackle that one. I’ve always wanted to, but just don’t want to bite off more than I can chew! Blood pressure still hovering high, but I’ll get that down too!

One thing I really want to prove to myself; I don’t have to go to Jenny Craig, or do bypass surgery, or Weight Watchers or anything where I add stress to my already critical situation with money expenses I can’t afford. I knew a girl who had a weight problem back when I had just a few pounds to lose but nowhere near the nightmare I am at now. Anyways, she went to Jenny Craig to just check out their program. When she came back to my place she was crying as if someone had assaulted her. I thought maybe we’d have to call the police or something but then she tells it was what they told her at Jenny Craig. She told them she couldn’t afford the costs and they told her if she really cared about her health she’d come up with the costs or put it on her credit card. I wondered how they found out she had a credit card, but then considering how vulnerable she felt about her weight then I’m not surprised they wrangled it out of her. Their high-powered sales antics at that particular center and time really ticked me off. Years later my mom paid for us to attend through a different center and I paid the upgrade for a lifetime membership. I still have it and could go back but it just bothers me to think I’d have to.

We live in this ever-increasing obese nation; we are preyed upon daily, minute by minute, by the Weight loss Industry that is horrendously wealthy! Pills, food, exercise equipment, surgery, and clothes . . . it goes on and on and on. One solution doesn’t work with everyone which is why more and more can crop up get their bucks and move on to the next fad to push upon us. Still Americans are getting fatter and fatter. It’s weird. I belonged to a weightloss site once where women put down skinny people and they argued about whether a person should do bypass surgery or not, or whether it was cheating, weight watchers versus South Beach. It was ridiculous. No one can tell another person what works best for them. That just makes someone else responsible for his or her loss or gain. I believe that I’m responsible for my loss or gain and “getting the connection” as Oprah and Bob Greene talk about has to do with understanding the physics behind it one way or another. It’s our self-esteem we’re grappling with so we look for quick fixes because maybe just maybe if we drop 50lbs right away we’ll feel better about ourselves and want to treat ourselves better.

Unfortunately that just isn’t enough. You can lose all the weight you want and still have your head jumbled up in and never-ending Rubik’s cube! Before you know it you’re right back where you started and then some! I’ve lost 50lbs before and didn’t even see that it was gone, I still felt fat and embarrassed. Every time someone said I looked great I just knew, I KNEW, they were teasing me. Sad. The weight creeped back on because I gave up trying. That’s when I only needed to drop a little more than 50 to be in healthy shape. Obviously I’d never gotten my head together or “gotten the connection” because I gained and lost and gained and lost and gained and gained! Then I just gave up. I lost all right. I lost even the ability to pretend I cared how I looked, what I wore, how the hair looked, I lost all my hope. Today was the first time I even looked at a catalogue for women’s clothing in years! I didn’t dare before because I didn’t believe I’d ever fit anything anymore.

I’m a woman who gave up all the pomp and circumstance of being one. Even your hormones give up when you get too big! Your body is asking itself, are you a woman, or a man, or a what? That’s true even for males, men become more effeminate and women start growing weird hairs! We become non-descript, the obese, until we’re in the world around everyone else, then we’re blimps, whales, and Michelin men. Well I’ve had enough of it all.

I don’t want to be preyed on by the over stuffed weightloss industry and their endless commercials followed by restaurant, pop, and chips ads! I want to feel the power of doing it myself. That’s why I post where I can’t hide myself completely if I do, or ingest something that lends to the problem. It’s on the Internet, it won’t go away and I face my weight, my food, the results and myself. I’m still reeling with joy over my 20 lb loss, even if it looks like 19 lbs right now, with all the good stuff I’m ingesting eventually it’ll drop and I’ll never see this 20 lbs again for the rest of my life. I’ll be able to strut my small self in the faces of the noggin heads who were nasty to be for gaining weight. I’ll get this off and do one better I’ll be smaller than them before I know it and before they know it and then they can eat their own nasty words.

All those people who misjudged me by my weight well let them be judged. I’m more than my weight, hell, I’m more than anyone can initially see about me, we all are. The “more” that I am is greater than the weight loss industry, my aunt and her nasty comments, my dad and his ineptness, my brother and his judging hell, and myself and my disbelieving in me, I’m “more”, quite an incredible one I might add. So, Good for you Ij, you’re on your way sweetie and I’m right here with you!

153/92 BP 65 pulse ~ Up -01 ~ Total Lost 019 ~ 397 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca on August 1, 2006 1:44 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl

1. Posted by Shane on August 1, 2006

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