Feeling the Fat Day

Every morning that I weigh in I have to stand perfectly still to allow the weight to stabilize and finalize a weight. It’s a good scale that I have and believe me that’s not easy to find at my weight. Scales that register over 400 pounds are usually out of this world expensive which is why you usually only find them in doctors’ offices. This scale is wider and tells you the weight by voice. It’s digital so you get to deal with each and every nightmarish point in between the pounds! (JOY!) I round up at .5 and up like I learned in College Chemistry. (No sense me fooling myself about .6 or .7 those are pounds!) Well this morning’s weigh in brought a mini-downpour. Okay I did just get up and bones are creaky, groaning, and stiff, but it’s come up before. My thighs are so fat that it’s hard to hold them together to stand on the scale platform. Of my globular form right now that bothers me the most. So it takes muscular strength to stand completely still with my thighs forced together. Even though the scale’s wider than most it’s not as wide as a doctor’s scale and I’m always in socks when I weigh in or barefoot so that I’m working against a slick surface. Today it was so frustrating I put a towel across the scale but it was taking so long to stabilize the weight that my back began to hurt trying to stay perfectly still. I tried to weigh about four times before sitting on the toilet lid and crying. There’s so much to being fat that you never really bargain for.

Yeah the contract for being obese says you won’t be able to move very quickly or as far, sure no one will want to be around you or love you in this particular shape (Thank God my sweetie fell in love with me before I became the Michelin Man and realizes I’m more than my weight, even more than me) Sure you won’t be able to sit in every chair or every car, but you just don’t know how far reaching the nightmare is. I remember looking at obese people and wondering how they could live like that and look at me. There’s the rub in those kinds of thoughts. It’s not that I hated obese people but never understood how someone could get there. Now I’m there, God help me I’m there and I get Mini-downpours not about gaining weight on weigh-ins but about how difficult it is to just make like a statue so I can get the weight. Just to get the weight that’s all! If I listed all the complications and nightmares associated with this affliction then I’d never get off the computer and that’s simply before getting into any medical stressors that I’ve put my body through which if I think about now, too late eyes welling up. When did I stop loving me this much to ignore the fact I was in a barrel heading over Niagara Falls. When did I stop mattering to me? Well, so much for the tears; it’s just that I have more than the struggle with the weight; it’s a struggle for everything every single step of the way. It’s no wonder so many people give up. I sat down and cried and then told myself finally it’s only weight, weigh in tomorrow, but I knew then it would be another “OB (Obese) difficulty” that I would start shying away from. So I got back up and was determined to get my weight today. I did. I stood perfectly still and got Thank God didn’t gain anything. I didn’t lose, but I didn’t gain.

Last night on Oprah she was saying it’s really hard. There’s no fooling yourself it’s really hard work. No truer words were ever spoken. If you aren’t fighting the scale or food, or other people and their comments and suggestions then you’re fighting yourself in thoughts, words and actions. I’m a Warrior fighting a Hero-rific battle to get back to life real life with real people. I’m in a battle. I won a little tinsy tiny one today even before my day had started.

142/81 BP 71 pulse ~ Down -00 ~ Total Lost 016 ~ 400 till Goal

Posted by ijellorca on July 25, 2006 7:22 AM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl