Infiltrated Dreams...Foody thoughts!

It’s almost like the last vacation the dogs and I took last year to the ocean. Sleep when you want, wake up watch Nature from the deck or take walks as you feel like it. No obligation to eat or go anywhere to eat. I haven’t even had the TV on. I dreamed some interesting stuff though.

My family was having some kind of family reunion outside and I guess I was on the committee to set up or something like that. The spread of food was enormous and involved several long tables one end toward the other! My family can cook believe you me! All those wonderful southern dishes left and right…Aunt X’s ‘tater salad, Aunt X’s Jell-O cake, Cousin X’s ribs and chicken, and brisket (he’s a professional meat smoker! Say no more!) Grandmother X’s Pecan pie, and Momma X’s pound cake and greens, and fried chicken! Cousin X’s Pansit, and Phad Thai, Yes our family broke the racial barrier years ago!

So moving along through the dream people started filing into the park where this was being held and the ladies who were setting it up ran and got their pick of the food and sat down at the head of one set of tables. All the dining tables had been set up in long long long rows very close together so if you were sitting mid table you’d almost get stuck unless you were “regular sized to squeeze past everyone’s chairs to get back to the food or go to the bathroom, (Trust me it’s worse than an Opera house!) So I, feeling like I was the biggest person there, asked for someone to move down so that I could get up and down easier. They, the set up women, were busy stuffing their faces and they were laughing saying that I should have gotten a seat sooner and I was on my own. (Note the first intense feeling of abandonment, major theme in my life!) So I started searching the other rows of tables only to find as soon as I got to one it was immediately filled up on the ends except the mid table! Finally after walking a long while I found one seat at the very end way far from the buffet table and I remember thinking “Man, I’m so far from the food!” but then I thought oh that’s okay at least I can get up and down without bothering anyone so I can at least hit the bathroom when I need to. I looked back at the seat and miraculously part of the table covered it from the side so I’d end up enclosed and unable to get back up after sitting down. I’d be trapped. I walked off far away from the cluster of tables and saw a lone smaller table that would normally fit six diners and my cousin X, and his wife were sitting there.

They sat on one side but they’re so obese that they took up 2 seats apiece. They started admonishing me for not having more food on my plate, (their plates were mounded over almost a foot high and they had several at the table covering most of the table. As I cautiously sat down son joined us with two foot high heaped up plates of deserts or something. “Now see that’s how you’re supposed to load up because some of the good stuff will be gone if you wait to go back up a 2nd time!” She said to me and I felt suddenly embarrassed to be at their table with all that food and to be fat at the same time. I was too dumbfounded to eat. They continued to admonish me, asking me why I hadn’t returned their calls for some kind of Psychological/religious event they wanted me to attend with them, informing me that I was going and they weren’t taking no for an answer this time they were coming to pick me up to make sure I was going! I felt the terror grown at the back of my neck causing the nape hairs to stand up.

“You must talk, to Dr. X, he knows how to take care of you so that you can stay healthy like us, if you keep eating like that with barely anything on your plate you’ll waste away to nothing and people like us don’t come a dime a dozen you know!” I remember somehow drifting away from them while there were stuffing their faces too much to realize I’d left, and left them my plate. I couldn’t eat. All of a sudden everything was over and everyone was packing up and grabbing paper plates lined with foil to steal away the last of their favorites. Some people shamelessly had boxes of food. Someone had packed a box for me and I was sifting through it to see what they would have picked for me and I saw a bunch of fresh lightly steamed veggies still bright green with a wonderful “al dente” crunch to them. (Green beans, my favorite!) When my Cousins from the “FAT” table came over and started shoving starchy, sugary desserts and dishes in my box. Thwarted again I was disgusted and woke up!

Now if that’s not a nightmare I don’t know what is! Phew! I guess if I keep eating unconsciously then I’m no better than my cousins. Every time I see them they’re bigger and bigger. I don’t think they actually struggle at losing weight. I know one of them had diabetes, and they do always try to get me to go their church or whatever they’re into. I like them very much they’re both super intelligent so conversations with them are a “feast” so to speak but I’ve always suspected that since I’ve been on the heavier side they tried to get me to hang with them at family get-togethers. There may be somewhat a bit of that, but then to be fair it probably has more to do with my mind and conversation as well. It’s my insecurities that would lead me to think it’s my weight. Since the assaults and the excess of weight I’ve put on it’s almost like they’ve wanted me around more though. If you go to their home it’s full of the most wondrous foods you can imagine! That’s on any day! They are very spiritual as well and that I love about our conversations but as pointed out in this dream I’m fearful of fat. I think I always have been. Hmm, I guess there’s some truth to becoming what you fear if you don’t deal with it.

What a wild dream!

Well it’s been16 hours and I feel good. I don’t feel hungry, nothing to really remind me that I might even be hungry, no food smells, not television commercials, nothing yummy in the fridge calling my name. In fact the curry stew that I made the other day can go into the freezer to keep for months down the road. The only thing that will probably go bad is the bagged salad in the crisper and some fruit that really needed to be ingested probably earlier this week. But let me think the welfare of fruit, or the welfare of me? I win! I WIN. I like the thought of that my winning out over food or any adversity I’ve let control me in the past! On Saturday I’ll clean out the fridge just for fun! I’m moving in steps this time small fast to bigger and so on. On weight loss, small amount and so on. Phase one will put me 50 lbs closer to my goal weight!

So totals:

004 Pounds down 046 more to go

Posted by ijellorca on May 3, 2006 2:09 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl