Yet Shines The Sun On A Weary Soul

Last night was one of the hardest spiritual nights of my life.

The overwhelming self-doubt and self-hatred I felt last night was too much. I finished typing last post only to have my spiritual supporter best friend call me back even though we had long since ended our conversation hours before. She just held me, God held me through such a horrid feeling night. I felt ashamed thinking of “The Passion of Christ” when she said “See the perfection that God sees in you” She spoke about my sensitivity to the littlest things that people say, she mirrors me in so many ways and when the tables are turned I speak thus to her but when in the middle of “it” I just find it so hard sometimes to see my way clear.

Been crying all morning just thinking of how God sent her back to me last night to help me with my awful thoughts. Usually she’s got her children to see about or some family thing that she has to get to so we can’t stay on the phone for super long conversations yet before I knew she said See you’ve made it to Day 5 and I looked up to see the clock turn to 12:02 AM. She spent all that time discussing spiritual things with me. God loves me so much that even in the midst of what people may think is a silly fast God held me up. I was so low. I was so low. Not that I could say I know better or not but if the darker spirits and forces weren’t working on me, I’d find it hard to believe anything otherwise. I dreamed of EATING food, and just how good it tasted. I remember seeing it everywhere, a tender slow grilled piece of London broil, Asian spiced food that I easily imbibed in. I woke up sure I had been eating something.

As I prayed this morning I just broke down at the thought of God sending someone at just the right moment to help me on such a dark night of my soul. I didn’t think the Fast would be this difficult spiritually. I really believe that I’d have more trouble with “Actual hunger” not my awful self talk and insecurities with my actions, body and hidden shaky beliefs. And if that was amazing enough after all this constant rain Sun broke through the clouds brilliantly, beautifully.

Even through such a dark night of my soul the sun shone bright shed God’s love on all the scary corners of my errant thoughts last night.

It’s pretty obvious this fast was necessary for my heart and soul and mind. I’m so grateful to God; I’m so thankful and touched. How to accept all this incredible love, how do you accept the enormity of it all. I’m so humbled by all this. Academically I’ve known such things and I deep down believe I’ve believed it but to see it and feel it action and be totally aware of it and the affects, I can’t begin to express it. I just can’t right now, I can’t.

We’re so loved; I’m so loved.

Posted by ijellorca on February 3, 2006 9:00 AM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl