Eating issues all around!!!

So as a woman who has experienced eating issues almost her whole life I ask you why does food, eating and the not eating or the eating of it affect me so emotionally? I know deep down a few reasons but when the hell is it going to end??? I don’t accept the answer of “NEVER!” I refuse! I’ll tell you though; even the way my dogs eat drives me crazy! I get angry and upset when the dogs don’t eat. I’ve probably made them “finicky” because I worried constantly that the food I was feeding them wasn’t good enough. I switched brands after researching more and more. I added oil, added meat, added veggies, even for a time fed them almost entirely whatever stew or soup I cooked. I monitored their hair and their eating habits and then I’d try to be strong and give them just plain dog food and they’d go more than 3 days without eating. One used to eat everything, and then he picked up his sister’s weird on and off again eating habits. I was ready to tear my hair out and usually ended up in tear! Tears! Come on already! Academically I know that when they get hungry they’ll eat! It still upsets me that they’ll go that long. I eat just as crazy!

God how could I ever have children, maybe this is what God is trying to show me I’m too unstable to have children! There’s strength to being a parent even if it’s with your animals. They must have limitations to guide them to their own independence I believe. I’ve always been strict with my dogs and then eased up after they had strong training and understanding of commands but I never did it with beating or hitting. I did it with looks and noises. But neither of these works with eating. I’ve tried even eating with them. Tonight the little boy wouldn’t eat his food second day, so as soon as big sister finished hers (she didn’t eat all yesterday) I picked up both bowls and they won’t go down until tomorrow night. I’ve tried feeding them twice a day and they ignored the food until evening. So, here I am again trying to lick this problem.

The girl wants warm water on her food and I’m seeing how she’s trying to soften her food up but then her teeth are getting more tartar then her brother who prefers his food dry. Ack! Tomorrow boy will get what he didn’t eat today and sister will get dry. I’m going back to my old dry food beliefs because I know that’s better for their teeth. Beyond that I’m going to have to stop neglecting their dental health and use their toothbrush and enzymatic cleaner. I just hate fighting them to do it. God I’m either lazy or a complete pushover for my dogs. Tonight’s going to be hard and tomorrow because they can’t have treats if they don’t eat dinner. Sigh, I’ve already got enough shit going through my head and emotions on food for just myself!

My list of problems with food and eating!

1. The constant conflict of carbohydrates vs. proteins!
2. The number of times to eat when you’re born into 3 times a day!
3. The eat or don’t eat syndrome that plagues me constantly
4. The fact that you need to eat to live period.
5. The fear of fat, the fear of anorexia, the fear of food completely!
6. The way my skin feels on me this tight
7. The way my skin will look when it hangs if it hangs if I don’t tone up before it’s all lost. (Assuming I’ll lose it!)
8. The terror I feel that I’ll never lose it ever!!
9. Not trusting that whatever I’m doing at any one moment is the right path to take!
10. The way it tastes when it’s great
11. The way it tastes when it’s not what you expect
12. How low the whole damned fight makes me feel!
13. The ups and downs of my spirit throughout the whole damnable journey of getting back to the real me.
14. The need to hide from mirrors, people, myself in utter disgust and shame.
15. The Psychological junk that happened to get me here and the terrifying abyss I must venture into to clean it all out!
16. Just being tired of the whole danged shebang!

I have this incredible guy who loves me despite my physical representation at the moment and I don’t understand it! God help me, I just don’t see how he could love me. I am terrified he’ll wake up before it’s all gone and say, “Geez, you’re just too damned fat!” What the hell’s wrong with me! I feel the tears but it’s so useless to cry. It really truly is.

Ah. Tomorrow I won’t allow myself to think so much of this and well, that will be that till the next eating struggle with my dogs or myself. I just bought three 3 lbs bags of salad and right now I’m feeling like a fast. Maybe just a week to shake off some of the effects of food, weight gain/loss and the struggles, just to feel free for a short time!

I want to be really free of anything that affects me in a way I don’t like. Pipe dream? How’s that saying go? Manage your emotions and reactions; manage your life! Guess who’s not managing period! That sad part is the only time I feel really in control is when I’m not eating. It’s the only thing in my life I feel I can control completely. Right now anyways. How about a week fast anyways, food is always here it’s not like I won’t have it at the end of the week! I can have started at 6pm tonight because have had anything since 3 pm. Ground rulz…

1. Water
2. Tea
3. Write.
4. 7 days

I’ll pop in each day and share my thoughts and feelings. It’s time for an internal connection so this will definitely get me primed for that. Spiritually I’m up but my physical manifestation, incarnation, if you will, is dragging me down!

Posted by ijellorca on January 29, 2006 7:36 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl

1. Posted by Giselle on January 30, 2006

2. Posted by Giselle on January 30, 2006