Still Updrafts and Aftershocks

I just don’t know how to “get over” something that I just believed should have been. I just knew I had that 911 Operator job, my experience dictated it, my typing skills proved it, but because I let some rude woman disrupt me and a nasty test proctor ignore me and the fact I didn’t speak up when things were going seriously and unfairly awry I’m out of the running.

I wish I had it in me to want “nasty” things to happen to the people involved. I wish I believed in putting Voodoo curses or hexes on people. I wish I could get myself to react violently to things, but it’s just not my way. My way is to try to pry the fingers off of my neck from the guy who choked me with the worst assault I had on my previous job. My way is to avoid hurting him even though he repeated choked, punched me and tried to rip out my hair and scratched up my face. What part do I always miss about people’s nasty intentions or “ulterior” motives with me?

I’m always worried about irreparable damage when defending yourself. If I had gauged the man’s eye out I’d have to relieve that thought process on top of the whole horrid attack.

I’m constantly reacting too slowly to acute situations because I just want to make sure I’ve not “misunderstood” the moment. I do understand the moment but I just don’t want to believe that’s what’s really going on with this “fellow” human being. I don’t want to believe “humans” are so selfish, conniving or violent, just ready to accept that as a truth. Still how many times I’ve had that “truth” shoved into my face that I’m beginning to believe I’m really insane. Only an insane would continue trusting in the same “belief” expecting different results, especially results that are theologically ideal.

So now we arrive at the crux of my problem… my life. What to do with it now. I’m still smarting from the bruises and I’m bitter at me, my life, anything to do with it, my lover, my friends, all “well-wishers” who want me and themselves to believe things will get better. I believe that happens for most people. No longer believe it for me.

When I look outside, the beautiful outside I realize that life is passing me by and I guess I no longer want to participate in the “dream” after why participate in something that will never be “true” for me. It used to be very long ago. Even the love of my life is far away in living another life far from me. For whatever the reasons, even that is like a carrot that’s perpetually tied to a stick in front of me leading me around for other people’s needs none of mine.

It’s so appropriate all the storming lately because it’s cleaning out my thoughts and my understandings.

I just feel like saying “okay” to everything everyone says just so I can get back to the one place I know I’m safe and okay under blankies on my couch. If I set my sights and goals on that, then it’s something I know I can “achieve” someplace I know I know I can get to. I’m not sure how I’m going to continue to pay for my “couch-Blankie” escape but I guess I’ll go as long as I can until everything comes undone and I’ve no where else to go. Then I pray I’ll disappear far from a world that doesn’t seem to want me, really want me, need me or know a use for me. And I can disappear without any guilt or suicidal repercussions. I’ll just cease to exist. I wish I could do that now. I wish it would all just end. Am I committing suicide by giving up? I don’t think so, I’m just filling the “order” the world demanded… for me to be gone.

Even watching other people happy doesn’t excite me for me, just for them. It just tells me how incapable I am to partake in life, real life.

All in all, I’ve never been sadder, I’ve never been tired of trying, but I just feel my history for the past few years has shown that I’m running in place and somehow moving backwards!

Posted by ijellorca on May 24, 2005 9:48 AM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl