I wanna go home

Not passing the test for the job I was seeking due to some rude distractions and a testing proctor from hell Struck me so hard it shook my foundations in tsunamic proportions. I did better when I didn't talk about the fiasco, but as times drags me with it reluctantly kicking and screaming I must take responsibility for my life such that it is. All these self doubts drift thick as pea soup fog around my head...

*Am I good enough, will I ever be
*Why must I freak out in such innocuous situations
*What will I ever be good at?
*What is this whole thing telling me? that I'm in denial about my talents on no talent?
*How come my perspectives are so askewed of everyone else?
*What about all my beliefs, Is this in line with what I know of my "higher self?"
*What about faith? am I just a nut drinking a martini with a chunk of ice the size of a grapfruit in my glass claiming there's no icebergs in the area on the titanic.
*Why can't I get a grip anywhere in my life.
*Do all my hopes have to end like the Hindenberg?
*Is Hope something only for people with more brains, sense, better genes, money or friends, or maybe Hope is the Holy Grail and hidden from distasters like me... and the fog thickens ruthlessly

I could just run to St. Louis and let my fellow tiger pal, G lick my wounds and hide between his legs from everything, but then what kind of tiger paw pal would he be getting? I just can't see doing that and having any self respect left to face myself even in my dreams.

I listen to all my loving connections and their concerns and well wishings and comforting words but that leads me to hold in my big sorrow. I say I'm okay or feeling better but the tears fall indefinitely and I'm just sad. I'm so very sad.

Inconsolable, I know what that is now. I look back on my achievements in the last couple years

-Didn't move to St. Louis
-Not married Yet
-Not pregnant Yet
-Lost my Job
-Beaten up repeatedly by people who evaded prosecution
-Hit by drunk driver who evaded prosecution (he has rights the prosecuter told me!)
-Gained ridiculous amount of weight
-Wasn't accepted at Hedgebrook, writer's retreat for the 5th time
-Didn't get job I was perfect for.
-Left the view of the big wide world for something more compact and microscopic only to find I'm still not safe from the pains of this world.

If I were in the business for disappointments I'd be the richest woman in the world.

Meditated earlier today, with the help of Dr. Wayne Dyer's wisdoms and I realized that I'm out of alignment somewhere deep at my core. I am responsible for my reality and that's the scariest thought of all. So what kind of abstract painting thought process causes this life of mine. hmm.

I don't know. I'll move on deeply bruised eventually but that's life, since I'm not qualified to end it, I'll live it at moment lost, confused and wishing my number had taken me out of the merrygoround called my life.

It's beauiful outside always outside. Where do I fit in? I don't know where I belong anymore.

"Another summer day
has come and gone away
In Paris or Rome...
but I wanna to go home
...Home
May be surrounded by
a million people I
still feel all alone
I wanna go home
I miss you, you know

I’m just too far

From where you are

I wanna come home

"And I feel just like I'm living
someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right"

words from M.Buble's song "Home"

that's how I feel right now about me, too far from the "me" I used to be, the confident friendly, sociable, skilled SMALLER me.

~I have a best friend who calls me to tell me he's thinking about me and how much he loves me and how he just got goosepimples and that "fuzzy" feeling thinking about me. How many people have that.

~I have friends that seem to know and love me even though they've never met me.

~I have two nice furballs that sometimes like me at feeding time

~I have 3 friends that won't leave me no matter how creepy I've been growing up and conform readily to my quirky needs as the "new me" even though they got on this train as the old me who was so effervescent that we often had strangers join us where ever we went. Now they don't even know if they'll be turned away when they come by because I'm unable to cope with myself, let alone myself being around other people.

I have love, I have life, but I feel like I'm too far from home to be free anymore. Every landmark of hope seems to dissappear just before I reach it and the directions to life have flown out the window. Convertibles. my life is flying out of the car down the highways and I'm lost. no map, no money and nothing but unending highway before me. I hope the gas holds.

Posted by ijellorca on May 23, 2005 2:01 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl

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