Getting back to normal

Saw a law and order episode today of a woman who was raped. She kept saying she wasn't going to get back to normal...This was so me, still is somewhat. I felt like she was talking from inside me when she said:

....I'm never going to get back to normal.... You're all sitting around waiting for me to shake this off and get back to normal.... you have no idea... I can't sleep for more than 20 minutes a night... I hate to be alone but God I hate to be around people more and I'm so afraid to walk outside or be in a crowded place because i might see him... all I can think to myself is it would have been so much better if he had just killed me...

That's me only she was raped... I was beaten and my attacker was never located or brought to justice. He's just loose out there and will never pay for it. I hate the fact I'll never be "normal" again. I hate that I still have nightmares and I hate the fact that I've let myself go so badly that I'm having to fight mentally and physically to get back to a faint memory of who I used to be. My personal trainer asked me today if I went out with friends...I told her i lost all my friends, only 3 remain. Yeah the rest weren't my friends well, it would have been nicer to know that before you're totally terrified of the world, when you probably need friends most. They still don't get it. Last week was a nightmare having to deal with the Mom from hell and her expectations of everyone bowing down to her and her sick behaviors. I decided last week that I Hate her. I said it out loud at least 5 times and cried twice. I don't want to see or talk to her ever again, I don't want to see or talk to really anyone. As far as I've come, I find myself being really stressed out by the drive to the gym and the meetings and appointments and the physical workouts and the fact that I'm sooo fat and have sooo far to go. If I could just find the will power to get over the eating. The comfort it gives me here in this apart ment alone. Even the dogs are encroaching on my space. I don't know if this is a phase or a set back or just further proof that I'm really unbalanced.

I'm tired and truthfully I'd rather spend tomorrow in bed all day. I don't know how much of life I'm really capable of handling. I'm on the computer less even, because it just seems like another obligation...all obligations feel like a weighted anvil around my neck! I know I'm being redundant, but that's how oppressive things feel for me these days. It's like I take 5 steps forward and am shoved 8 steps back. I'm really exhausted. with everything. Gonna go to bed now.. nothing left to stay up for. writing is thinking and I just can't bear to think anymore.

Posted by ijellorca on March 14, 2005 8:44 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl