I'm noticing that even my physical temperature comfort is affecting my desires for food. When I'm freezing like now I want beans and soupie things and I really lean toward comfort foods! When it's warm or hot I'm loving the salads and ice cold water etc. Maybe I'll boil some water later, but trying to avoid the kitchen like the plague.

Why is it soo danged easy to eat! Why isn't there a sanQuentin application process for visiting a death row inmate that takes weeks of background checks to okay or deny and to reapply for??? I don't want to be on death RoW!! That's all fat is to me today death.
Oh forgive my rambling it's just an internal fight to not give in to unnecessary sabotaging of my health!

While fasting, I lamented to Gaetano and he thinks I'm going over board on the weightloss thing. He wants me to drink a protein shake but I refuse. I'm getting the empty stomach burps now! usually that's when the hunger pangs start digging deep into your mind!! I think this is more about my battle with food and the desire to misuse it than it is about fasting but I'll fast and maybe I'll fast until I realize that food is just fuel and nothing more even though we open new restaurants daily to get us to go worship the stuff 24 hours a day!!!

I really am mad at food! I think it's evil! It's worse than a demon wanting to possess your soul! You ingest it and pretty soon your butt won't fit in the chair, the car, your jeans!!! you suck it up and then you find you can't breathe as well or walk as far or jump as high! My body's being taken over by a cancerous demon, how is it any different than cancer? Pretty soon no one will recognize me if I keep getting bigger!!

Okay not a great day for me, but Damn it I'm not eating!!!
Sorry I'm so nasty... Alcoholics have nothing on me!!

my mind is in a fog of hatefullness and food! I'm so angry I've let myself gain weight! I'm angry about the whole struggle! Angry that my mom didn't wouldn't pick me up from Basketball practice when no one wanted to drive the "black" girl home as well as Tennis! I'm angry that I didn't insist the school district provide transportation since there was no buses to get home. If our mom hadn't moved us to such a racist place I might have had some considerations and girls that play sports in high school do better in life physically and career wise. I would have been a punching bag busdriver or have FAT hanging off my fingers and chin!!

Posted by ijellorca at 3:53 AM | Comments (0)

January 19, 2005

Day 13 to Change

Weight: No Change
Food eaten: Pear, oatmeal
Exodus: none planned
Exercise: none so far will do abs
Hygiene: Shower
Writing: 3 hours
Chores: None yet, planning on dishes, put away groceries(been sitting all over kitchen for almost a week -non perishables)

Meditation: None yet hope to do some before nap

Started out day with Pear and about 6 hours later oatmeal. So far okay, still haven't made pot of tea. Stomach is a little upset and cramps making stomach region Ucky. I'm tired. I don't know why my period gets me so sluggish these days.

STill waiting to start the weight loss program through my job but they keep screwing up and it's set up such aura of mistrust on them that I don't think my expereince will be as good as I had originally hoped. It's going to be all I put into. I've already decided I only want to deal with them when I have to and don't want to put any more time and effort into it. I've got the Curves membership and more than enough work out videos to use. I just wanted that place to jump start my routine anyways because I'll be obligated to workout 3 days a week for an hour with a personal trainer.

My sleep's been interrupted for 2 days and with the hormonal fluctuations it's got me pretty low on energy to tackle just a regular day! I've got some work to do but I'm not ready to do "tasks" really just drift into a room and do some stuff drift out and do some stuff elsewhere. Since tomorrow's Thursday I'll get things ready to mail off. I need to finish my sweetie's jeans. Said I'd mend them and now I'm afraid he'll not like my job. I wish I wasn't so messed up. It's so embarrassing.

In a couple weeks I'll be 42, ain't that a shame. Big big shame to look like this and not sure if I'd rather hide under blankies for the rest of my life or actually take a stab at living really living and then miss alltogether! Fear of success? Just plain fear period!

Posted by ijellorca at 12:17 PM | Comments (0)

January 18, 2005

Day 12 to Change

Weight: Still afraid to check, but soon Definitely by the end of the month

Food eaten: So far nothing. Had two peach iced teas

Exodus: Set up Aunt’s Computer/Sam’s Club it rained all day

Exercise: None today so far, the urge is getting stronger again

Hygiene: Been so long since shower it’s frightening but I do sponge bathe. Not sure what the shower aversion is at moment, maybe just the cold. I’m freezing all the time now

Writing: Way behind on my installment stories, it’s shameful and I feel lost not writing as much as I need.

Chores: Ran dishwasher

Meditation: I’m afraid to face my thoughts mostly so haven’t done this either.

I’m not sure where I am in my progress. I do things; I make my appointments. I think a lot. I’m constantly realizing things and I’m hoping it’s the chaos before the calm, or breakthrough.
I’ve instituted Routine in my life that’s minimal and I’m trying to build a new routine item into my daily grind each week. I started with at least 2 cups of water before starting the day and then a protein shake for breakfast. I must drink a pot of tea before anything else in the day.
It’s kept me from having coffee because sometimes I don’t get my tea down and then after 4 cups of tea I don’t feel like getting down coffee. It’s not that I actually had a coffee problem but it’s a splurge with the creamer and all.
This week I’m supposed to be incorporating weightlifting. I didn’t get it started yesterday because the ruby red of life started and drained me of all energy and will to do more than observe life passing me by. Today I will try to get a shower in. If not I’ve done something to entice me into the ritual of it though. I’ve ordered a bunch of wonderful bath brushes and natural soaps and shampoos. I’ll start exfoliating my skin. That’s something I neglect almost cruelly!
My skin is so dry it cracks! If I didn’t know better (and there’s no guarantee that I do) I’d think this is another way of punishing myself. I’ve bought too many signals from family, job, myself that I don’t matter and should be quietly be DISAPPEARED. I look at people living life and wonder where I really could fit in. I have no children to “live for” and my dogs are too beautiful to not be adopted by someone if not my own friends and family. My lover does pretty well without me in another state. He says not and it’s quite possible he needs me more than I want to allow myself to believe. Mostly I feel like a tainted burden around his neck with all the other stressors this life packs onto his already over-laden back. I still haven’t figured out if loving him I’d do better by leaving him to not have me around to spoil things.
I guess you could say I’m depressed, maybe. Such a cliché as this means very little to me these days. It’s like the Billie Holiday song “Good morning Heartache,” only replace heartache with (Depression) and you’ve got my daily dance, weekly affair with the one thing that sticks with me even when I believe I’ve finally overcome or shook it’s presence, charm, and hold.

Irene higginbotham / ervin drake / dan fisher

Good morning heartache (Depression)
You old gloomy sightGood morning heartache (Depression)
Thought we said goodbye last night
I turned and tossed until it seems you have gone
But here you are with the dawn
Wish I forget you, but you’re here to stay

It seems I met youWhen my love went away
Now everyday I stop I’m saying to you
Good morning heartache (Depression) what’s new

Stop haunting me now
Can’t shake you nohow
Just leave me alone
I’ve got those Monday blues

Straight to Sunday blues
Good morning heartache (Depression)
Here we go again
Good morning heartache (Depression)
You’re the oneWho knows me well
Might as well get use to you hanging around
Good morning heartache (Depression)

Sit down

Oh well. I’m too tired to fight it off really. I pretend really well for my docs and “managing health care team” mostly because I don’t want to end up in some hospital or on stronger drugs. It’s a silent journey because the more people know the more they intrude. Sometimes I feel like people who “care” are like people waking you up constantly when you’re exhausted and just need to get 5 more minutes of sleep. In that moment you almost hate them fore trying to steal you from that rich luxurious coziness that warm blankies and sleep provide.
It’s not that I’m decadently not wanting to get better, just don’t know that I believe it’s possible really. And one thing that holds true with the last year is I’m really tired. I’m tired of swimming upstream futile with the other instinctual brother/sister salmon. Instead of crying through all my sessions and trying to convince people that drugs just depress me more I give up and do whatever they expect of me, then I come home and catatonically guard my true condition. It’s like holding your breath until you get somewhere safe.
I don’t want people coming here and I definitely don’t want to go anywhere, but I do enough to keep from being “found out” If the people in my life knew I’d be too ashamed to live further. I just keep hoping I’ll “Snap” out of it on my own and some little thing will serve as a magnificent catalyst to this event. What I really don’t know. Maybe my routine will erode my apathy. One can only pray, and I do pray, God is my glimmer of hope and it reduces me to a humbling crying mess when I realize how unworthy I feel about everything.
Occasionally I feel uplifted, and I really think I’m on my way to that light at the end of the tunnel, but I slip so instantly and that’s what has lost me pretty much all hope of believing life could really truly get better for me. The only thing that I can see that could possibly turn things around is if I was to fast and cleanse myself completely but I start and then I don’t finish and then I feel lower than before. I believe it’s going to have to happen to get me back on a track that spirals Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually back up towards the light of my soul. Would that I had the courage and constant focus to do this. Right now. Not for two days or a week but maybe 40 days and nights the way Christ Did. Something that would be my little secret something that might help me more than hiding my current depressive, defeatist nature.
Ah well I’ve just about exhausted my strength on trying to exercise my demons. Me. Hard to believe it’s been so long since I last posted but depression has a way of lulling you into a deep sleep about landmarks of reality. Why I can talk about it and still be so weird I cannot tell you. Alas that’s it for energy writing today.

P. S. Thank you linda for reminding me to get in here and post. Your attention to me though little, is like a hand appearing in deep to grab hold to. It's enough to get me to post, which is really good for me I believe. Again. Thanks and God Bless!

Posted by ijellorca at 1:59 AM | Comments (0)