Day 9 to Change

Weight: no change

Food eaten: lima bean stew/we beef and chunks of Sweet potatoes
Exodus: None
Exercise: none
Hygiene: Shower
Writing: none
Chores: cleaned up some boxes in living room, emptied Dishwasher
Meditation: Most of the day thinking about the writer�s retreat.

I unplugged the phone again today, I should have left it unplugged for the week. I expect I will now. He hasn't called so I guess that's life. I saw a puppy in Kennewick that I think would be nice for my dog. Now that I'm not at work I really am thinking of getting the dog to raise it and provide a pal for my dog. I know I'm not always good company for her and she really deserves more attention than I can sometimes give.

Groceries were delivered today missing the 4 pumpkins for me to carve for my place, but they were out of stock! Who ever heard of a grocery store running out of pumpkins the week before Halloween? Ah. I was really disappointed. I�ve been nothing but disappointed for the last couple weeks it seems.

Disappointed in my sweetheart, my entire life, and myself. Today I thought about ending it, but my dog was lying by my side. I can�t leave her in here like this. I�m going to leave my phone unplugged. I really can�t bear talking to anyone today and possibly for a while. I have counseling in two days, but I don�t think I�ll tell her how depressed I�m feeling. I don�t want them to up my medicine. It�s been a wasted weekend. I have more ideas to write but I�m just too sad to write on the computer.

Tomorrow I�m starting the slim in six workouts. My goal is to make it through the entire workout by the end of the day. I don�t know if I can stick through it in one sitting but I know I can do it throughout the day after I feel rested up like an hour or two after each session. It�s only an hour workout so by the evening I should make it. We�ll see how I feel. I watched Oprah last week when they did the Bridget Jones show with Zelwiger and Grant and Firth. Oprah talked to Renee about how she gained her extra weight for the part. She basically said that she stopped working out all together sat around a lot and ate more bread etc.

The main thing is she sat around a lot, even Oprah pointed that out. I know academically that I just need to "MOVE" but that doesn't exactly motivate me when I'm feeling so low about life. STill, if I could stick to the tape series for a week I could make 2 weeks and then 4 and then 6 I hope. I won't be slim in 6 weeks but I should see a change. The fact I hardly believe I'm capable of losing weight these days it's what I'm fighting right now, not to mention the fact that Zoloft can actually prevent you from losing weight!

It's all so exhausting to think about let alone do! I thought about having a drink today but I was too lethargic to bother. Well that�s it for me today. Tomorrow my main goal is the workout, a shower, and brushing my teeth. Major isn�t it. It�s terrible how reduced your life can become.

Posted by ijellorca on October 24, 2004 9:57 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl