Health Diaries » Weight Loss » Becoming My Passion
October 4, 2004
Day 4 to Change
Weight: No change
Food eaten: Coffee protein shake 1pm
Exodus: None so far today, but did go to Mt. Rainier with the dog on Friday. It was lovely and comforting and so nice to get out of the apt. I bought a year long National Parks pass to motivate me to continue to get out at least to nature away from people but out.
Exercise: Walked/stretching/Abs
Hygiene: Shower
Chores: Dishes/re-inflated exercise ball/trash out/put up shelving/cleaned bathroom/ loaded dishwasher/put away dishes
Meditation: 1 hour
I decided to add meditation because I believe this will help to focus my thoughts on my goals and instill a better likelihood of action towards them. I started my day meditating. I worked on creating the questions to post around the apt to get me thinking and remembering times passing and I have some things to get done to get me back to my life! The song of the day for me is:
For the love of you
(Isley Brothers)
Yeah well-well-well-yeah-hey
Paradise I have within, Cant feel insecure again, youre the key, well and this I see, Oh I see
Thats where I want to be with me and theres no one that can help me love myself better than me. The more I appreciate my body, my mind, myself it seems the more motivated I am to want to take care of myself. Not for my sweetie, although hes a great motivator, not for my clowniac savior dog, but for me the one I thought the world didnt deserve!
Sometimes when Im exercising I just break down and cry because Im overwhelmed at the fact Im starting to care more about myself and living. Its an incredible emotion. Incredible. Paradise I have within How beautiful is that?!!! I just need to trust myself and my abilities to protect the within enough to all0w her without for everyone else to see. I used to really believe that the world would understand something that beautiful and precious was to be cherished and treasured by virtue of it being such. How wrong I was.
Not that I believe the world is really such a hateful nasty place deep down. I think its more akin to company not knowing how to treat your Waterford Crystal or your 17th Century antique coffee table. They just dont know the true value. Lets face it (and I am so trying to face this) people that walk into your house rarely know the worth of your treasured possessions based on seeing them the first time. Whether its Waterford or Corning the real treasure part comes from how you feel about the item based on what you were doing at the time you acquired it or what it reminds you of etc. I wasnt raised to treasure the Crystal of me. My spirit, my nature wasnt appreciated and I mistook that to mean I wasnt worth as much as anyone else. My parents were like children given a Waterford vase, which they figured was a perfect vessel to clean the mud off their boots. Ill be fair, my father knew it was something precious but the responsibility and the delicacy of my spirit was too much responsibility for him handle. Hed have felt more comfortable with just a torn rag. I believe that my father couldnt reconcile why such an incredible piece of art would be left to his care. My father saw me, and that touched me incredibly.
True story: At age 33 my mother sat me down to talk of forgiveness. I figured she wanted me to ap0logize for not doing something she wanted and was going to lord over me the fact she went through the labors of childbirth and kept a roof over my head even after my father and her divorced. I was ready to check my brain to pick up after leaving her place but then she starts in about how my parents werent doing so well together and then she found herself in the unique position that people who copulate find themselves in most times, she was pregnant. Shed had my sister just a few months earlier and lets face it babies damned inconvenient I guess. So she informs me that she took some chemicals to abort the baby (ME!!!) and it didnt work. She made some deal with God that if I were born normal shed take good care of me. Apparently she forgot that little detail. Why she felt the need to share this horror with me Ill never know. Maybe it was to burn down the little bit of self worth Id managed to build thus far. She huffed and she puffed
I played it rather glib and told her I wasnt the one to apologize to and that I was quite sure God wanted me to be here and there was nothing she or anyone else on earth could do about that. She cried, I think real tears I cant say for sure. My eyes were dry and I tried to convince myself it was nothing and no big deal. When I told my friends, at that time, they looked at me completely horrified and a couple cried. I claimed it didnt bother me and even laughed at how horrible my mother could really be. I called my dad and told him what mom felt the need to share with me. He tried to blow it off and even said Oh thats nothing I think I got the stuff for her. Apparently this wasnt the first time shed used the chemical and theyd gotten rid of a couple pregnancies before that I asked my dad how could he do this to me! ME??!!! Dads response: I didnt know you then And that was the line that saved me from dipping lower in my self-esteem at that moment. My dad realized after I arrived I was a Crystal even though he didnt quite know how to take care of one. Still true, Dad had wanted to name me Krystal with a K before my mom let his mother name me since he wasnt in the hospital. I just remembered that. Well weve come to the emotional overload of this day and I must check out.
Posted by ijellorca on October 4, 2004 3:47 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl
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