Day 10 to Change

It�s 42 degrees outside. It�s just now 58 degrees inside. I�ve got the heater plugged in but for some reason I can�t seem to bring myself to turn it on. I�m wondering if it�s my way of punishing myself for being so pathetic and fat. I wonder if it�s like when people cut themselves. Some little thing you do to make yourself pay for not being as �normal� as everyone else or as good. I�ve never been able to cut myself but I do treat myself as if I don�t matter. I don�t take showers for extended periods not because I want to smell but because I just don�t think I�m worth the trouble it takes to make myself appealing in any way. My hair sits under hats or pinned up. I forget to eat or eat without caring. It�s no wonder my metabolism is shot. I don�t seem to want to do anything that�s good for me. I wish I could disappear completely without any repercussions. I don�t know if I�d actually miss my life. It�s not that I don�t� appreciate it, then again, maybe I don�t.

There are times that I�m just certain other people would look at my apartment and be absolutely grateful for it�s placement, size, and the items that inhabit it, but then I feel crowded and misplaced and unnecessary and disconnected. I don�t know how it is that you can feel so good about being alone and then feel so lonely. Ah, well. I�ll write later after I do some running around and the pooch gets her business done.