Health Diaries » Becoming My Passion » October 2004
October 25, 2004
Day 10 to Change
Weight:
Food eaten:
Exodus:
Exercise:
Hygiene:
Writing:
Chores:
Meditation:
So far I’ve started my day with slim in six. The first 5 minutes! It’s not much but that’s just for the start of the day. I can hit resume on the Dvd and continue in an hour or so. I’m going at my own pace instead of trying to keep up with the people on the screen.
It’s 42 degrees outside. It’s just now 58 degrees inside. I’ve got the heater plugged in but for some reason I can’t seem to bring myself to turn it on. I’m wondering if it’s my way of punishing myself for being so pathetic and fat. I wonder if it’s like when people cut themselves. Some little thing you do to make yourself pay for not being as “normal” as everyone else or as good. I’ve never been able to cut myself but I do treat myself as if I don’t matter. I don’t take showers for extended periods not because I want to smell but because I just don’t think I’m worth the trouble it takes to make myself appealing in any way. My hair sits under hats or pinned up. I forget to eat or eat without caring. It’s no wonder my metabolism is shot. I don’t seem to want to do anything that’s good for me. I wish I could disappear completely without any repercussions. I don’t know if I’d actually miss my life. It’s not that I don’t’ appreciate it, then again, maybe I don’t.
There are times that I’m just certain other people would look at my apartment and be absolutely grateful for it’s placement, size, and the items that inhabit it, but then I feel crowded and misplaced and unnecessary and disconnected. I don’t know how it is that you can feel so good about being alone and then feel so lonely. Ah, well. I’ll write later after I do some running around and the pooch gets her business done.
Posted by ijellorca at 9:52 AM | Comments (1)
October 24, 2004
Day 9 to Change
Weight: no change
Food eaten: lima bean stew/we beef and chunks of Sweet potatoes
Exodus: None
Exercise: none
Hygiene: Shower
Writing: none
Chores: cleaned up some boxes in living room, emptied Dishwasher
Meditation: Most of the day thinking about the writer’s retreat.
I unplugged the phone again today, I should have left it unplugged for the week. I expect I will now. He hasn't called so I guess that's life. I saw a puppy in Kennewick that I think would be nice for my dog. Now that I'm not at work I really am thinking of getting the dog to raise it and provide a pal for my dog. I know I'm not always good company for her and she really deserves more attention than I can sometimes give.
Groceries were delivered today missing the 4 pumpkins for me to carve for my place, but they were out of stock! Who ever heard of a grocery store running out of pumpkins the week before Halloween? Ah. I was really disappointed. I’ve been nothing but disappointed for the last couple weeks it seems.
Disappointed in my sweetheart, my entire life, and myself. Today I thought about ending it, but my dog was lying by my side. I can’t leave her in here like this. I’m going to leave my phone unplugged. I really can’t bear talking to anyone today and possibly for a while. I have counseling in two days, but I don’t think I’ll tell her how depressed I’m feeling. I don’t want them to up my medicine. It’s been a wasted weekend. I have more ideas to write but I’m just too sad to write on the computer.
Tomorrow I’m starting the slim in six workouts. My goal is to make it through the entire workout by the end of the day. I don’t know if I can stick through it in one sitting but I know I can do it throughout the day after I feel rested up like an hour or two after each session. It’s only an hour workout so by the evening I should make it. We’ll see how I feel. I watched Oprah last week when they did the Bridget Jones show with Zelwiger and Grant and Firth. Oprah talked to Renee about how she gained her extra weight for the part. She basically said that she stopped working out all together sat around a lot and ate more bread etc.
The main thing is she sat around a lot, even Oprah pointed that out. I know academically that I just need to "MOVE" but that doesn't exactly motivate me when I'm feeling so low about life. STill, if I could stick to the tape series for a week I could make 2 weeks and then 4 and then 6 I hope. I won't be slim in 6 weeks but I should see a change. The fact I hardly believe I'm capable of losing weight these days it's what I'm fighting right now, not to mention the fact that Zoloft can actually prevent you from losing weight!
It's all so exhausting to think about let alone do! I thought about having a drink today but I was too lethargic to bother. Well that’s it for me today. Tomorrow my main goal is the workout, a shower, and brushing my teeth. Major isn’t it. It’s terrible how reduced your life can become.
Posted by ijellorca at 9:57 PM | Comments (0)
October 23, 2004
Day 8 to Change
Weight: No change
Food eaten: Ravioli, Cake, Coffee/Cream
Exodus: None
Exercise: Field walk with Dog
Hygiene: no shower yet!
Writing: none
Chores: none
Meditation: none
It hasn’t been the best few weeks since I was here last. I’m thinking a lot about my relationship and whether I’ll be able to move from this state at all. We seem to be arguing quite a bit lately. He’s been cutting me off while I’ve tried to explain things and today I blew up about it. A week ago I was such a stressed out mess I didn’t eat or drink anything, not even a sip for 2 days. When I did eat something I ended up in the bathroom sick for 2 days! I think I would have been better not eating still. I can’t say if I’m depressed or just fed up or just limbo locked in this life of “I don’t’ know where I belong.” I meditate all the time about going to the Writer’s retreat in February and March. I actually think about the possibility of getting out of the writer’s retreat and taking off for somewhere completely different to live. I fantasize about buying a little cabin somewhere far from the maddening world and just write. I used to think of running to my sweetie’s arms but today I feel that I’m not such a “sweet” thing to him. I watch this shows on marriage, and baby deliveries on the learning channel and they look so far removed from me. I’m really depressed right now. I don’t want to see or deal with anyone. After our argument this morning I turned off the ringers and unplugged the phone. I’m not going to turn it back on for a couple days. If I talk to him I’d tell him to go to hell.
It’s good that I don’t talk to him, because quite frankly I don’t know how much of my feelings are just because of my PSTD issues. Today I was all set to go to the bank and deposit my checks but so far I can’t deal with walking outside my door. I’m too…I’m going to get on the couch and crawl under my blankies.
Posted by ijellorca at 3:26 PM | Comments (0)
October 13, 2004
Day 7 to Change
Weight: 2lbs closer to goal
Food eaten: Watermelon
Exodus: Psychiatrist, Costco warehouse store
Exercise: None
Hygiene: Brushed teeth
Writing: 5 hours on story I’ll work on at writer’s retreat
Chores: rearranged a corner and cleaned it up
Meditation: 30 minutes
I was proud of myself for making it into that warehouse store because they really scare me but I was just about out of toilette tissue. I went really early so I figured I’d get the goods and get out. As I was checking out some man brushed into me from behind and I turned terrified but I didn’t scream. I started sweating and could feel myself not breathing. I tensed every muscle and bee-lined for the out door. I felt like everyone was staring at me, and the beads of sweat on my forehead. I felt sick to my stomach. I’d already felt like throwing up from the crazy traffic going to the Psychiatrist’s office. Usually when I leave my appointments I seek out greasy, creepy fast food. This time I came straight home.
Surprisingly, I didn’t throw up. Later I ate some fresh watermelon. My stomach is feeling a little queasy still but I’ve kept it down. It’s 1pm so still plenty of time to eat something but not likely to go near a food joint. I’ve balanced the checkbook and there’s nothing to play with anyways.
Last night I decided that I’ve been focusing too much on whether people will like my work or not instead of just writing. I’ve gotten myself so twisted that when people tell me they like my writing I immediately write them off as unknowledgeable. Yeah, even people with a couple degrees! I’m silly, now I see this. I have to believe in my writing, just like my self worth, to get the respect I deserve and my work deserves!
I may not have a degree, I may not have a job, I may not have children and my sweetie doesn’t even live in this state! I may not have money, a new car, new clothes or a great figure but I know who to sling a word or two! (Of course the disclaimer is that I may hate myself, and my writing by 7pm tonight but for now…) I deserve more than that ratty old retreat has to offer, but I’ll let them offer me a spot in their sessions! I have more talent in one of my fingers and my mind than most writers being published today! (hahaha, not to be too arrogant! I wish I believed this wholeheartedly, wouldn’t that be something!) Confidence. It must be as warm and toasty as an electric blanket!
I only got a couple hours of sleep today so I’m checking out to dream of my time at the retreat! I’m pretty tired after writing all morning. If I can get back I will.
Posted by ijellorca at 1:26 PM | Comments (0)
October 12, 2004
Day 6 to change
Weight: 2lbs closer to goal weight
Food eaten: Nothing today, will have watermelon and steak
Exodus: FedX to mail off packages, Therapist, Dog park, Post Office
Exercise: Walking, Crunches
Hygiene: Shower, brushed teeth
Writing: none so far
Chores: Bills, dishes, laundry
Meditation: 30 minutes
Well since I last wrote I’ve had some hairy moments. I had to go downtown as I stated earlier. It wasn’t such a great time. I thought I was lost when I was trying to find the place from the sidewalk. The people were rushing by on the right and finally I held onto an ornamental tree, the kind they decorate the front of office buildings with on the sidewalk in front and I just broke down and started crying. I was terrified that I’d have to venture further then already had from the safety of my car. I nearly had my poor dog and myself in the street to get away from the sidewalk traffic! I was more comfortable close to the cars in the street than with the people on the sidewalk. People have arms and they can touch you! Cars can merely run you over and kill you.
It was my dog’s safety that forced me back onto the curb of the sidewalk. I bee lined for the safety of a business opening and it turned out to be where I belonged. I, needless to say, blew several of the tests! I tried calming down but my memory wasn’t working or something. After an hour I was ready to jump out of my skin but I still had 2 more hours to go.
Oh well. I’m still alive. I had several nights of nightmares after that. Two days ago I woke up feeling like I was having a heart attack after some creature kept trying to get me! I decided it was because of my fat, and then didn’t want to eat the rest of the day.
All day I felt like an unremarkable wreck of a human being who had no reason to live. I couldn’t even find a justification for my life. I was so depressed. A friend of mind who has agoraphobia actually flew to meet some other friends of ours and I called and spoke with her. I was trying to being “happy and cheerful” but then we got into some of the feelings she was experiencing even though she’d made this incredible journey from the safety of her home! (Which I can tell you how proud and happy I am of and for her) She tried to tell me how incredible I was and the lives I touch. I broke down and cried when I thought all morning at just how unremarkable I am and have always been. I don’t want to be in the spotlight, mostly because I can’t stand the thought of anyone looking at my absolutely pathetic self. It’s bad enough to know you’re pathetic without anyone looking at you and see exactly what you see should ever take a chance at looking in a mirror!
She was so kind and sweet and understanding and I felt for an instant maybe she was right maybe my life wasn’t a total crapshoot. I really don’t think I can be positive about this though. For one the weight loss is so slow it’s like a faucet that drips but once a month. My writing, which I’ve tried to keep faith in, not because I’m good, but because I love to write, was shot down in my online screenwriting Workshop. I’m trying to get myself psyched up to write my application for a writer’s retreat that I’ve longed to attend for 5 years now and I’ve never been accepted. It’s like the whole world is telling me I’m not good enough. The testing for my company…Failed the important ones, the screenplay, no one understood it and one person even called it a rough draft even though I’d rewritten and reworked it. Now it’s not even as good as the first draft and I’m so humiliated I can’t bear to show my face in the online class!
If I were to forget that writing is the only thing I do well I could pretend being myself is better than anyone else can do me but then I looking in the mirror and see this pathetically overweight scared creature that’s supposed to pass as a human being!
Unremarkable. That’s the book I should write. Then when no one pays attention I’ll have nothing to worry about. It won’t be expected to be published, read, or appreciated… just like me. Just like me. Unremarkable.
Posted by ijellorca at 1:05 PM | Comments (0)
October 6, 2004
Day 5 to Change
Weight: No Change
Food eaten: Ravioli, ribs, garlic toast, garden burgers, ice cream, grape pop
Exodus: mailbox
Exercise: none
Hygiene: Shower
Writing: screenplay revisions
Chores: Dishwasher load and put away twice, clean kitchen
Meditation: none
Watched a couple movies today and felt out of place all day. My revisions are going slowly and it’s quite disheartening that I’ve gotten so little done. I’m tired and sleepy. My hair’s a nightmare and I’ve got to go into town tomorrow to take office tests. I’m terrified of such trips. They claim it will take around 3 hours. So between 8:30 and 1pm I’ll be stuck there. At least I get to bring my dog. I don’t want to go but I know it’s for the best. I’ll have to leave around 7:15 in the morning just to make sure we can get into the garage and park cheaper. Downtown still freaks me out! I’ll need to pick up parking money and I’ll need to find the place too. Oh, not looking forward to tomorrow.
Posted by ijellorca at 11:03 PM | Comments (0)
October 4, 2004
Day 4 to Change
Weight: No change
Food eaten: Coffee protein shake 1pm
Exodus: None so far today, but did go to Mt. Rainier with the dog on Friday. It was lovely and comforting and so nice to get out of the apt. I bought a year long National Parks pass to motivate me to continue to get out at least to nature away from people but out.
Exercise: Walked/stretching/Abs
Hygiene: Shower
Chores: Dishes/re-inflated exercise ball/trash out/put up shelving/cleaned bathroom/ loaded dishwasher/put away dishes
Meditation: 1 hour
I decided to add meditation because I believe this will help to focus my thoughts on my goals and instill a better likelihood of action towards them. I started my day meditating. I worked on creating the questions to post around the apt to get me thinking and remembering time’s passing and I have some things to get done to get me back to my life! The song of the day for me is:
For the love of you
(Isley Brothers)
Yeah well-well-well-yeah-hey
“…Paradise I have within, Can’t feel insecure again, you’re the key, well and this I see, Oh I see…”
That’s where I want to be with me and there’s no one that can help me love myself better than me. The more I appreciate my body, my mind, myself it seems the more motivated I am to want to take care of myself. Not for my sweetie, although he’s a great motivator, not for my clowniac savior dog, but for me the one I thought the world didn’t deserve!
Sometimes when I’m exercising I just break down and cry because I’m overwhelmed at the fact I’m starting to care more about myself and living. It’s an incredible emotion. Incredible. “… Paradise I have within…” How beautiful is that?!!! I just need to trust myself and my abilities to protect the “within” enough to all0w her “without” for everyone else to see. I used to really believe that the world would understand something that beautiful and precious was to be cherished and treasured by virtue of it being such. How wrong I was.
Not that I believe the world is really such a hateful nasty place deep down. I think it’s more akin to company not knowing how to treat your Waterford Crystal or your 17th Century antique coffee table. They just don’t know the true value. Let’s face it (and I am so trying to face this) people that walk into your house rarely know the worth of your treasured possessions based on seeing them the first time. Whether it’s Waterford or Corning the real treasure part comes from how you feel about the item based on what you were doing at the time you acquired it or what it reminds you of etc. I wasn’t raised to treasure the “Crystal” of me. My spirit, my nature wasn’t appreciated and I mistook that to mean I wasn’t worth as much as anyone else. My parents were like children given a Waterford vase, which they figured was a perfect vessel to clean the mud off their boots. I’ll be fair, my father knew it was something precious but the responsibility and the delicacy of my spirit was too much responsibility for him handle. He’d have felt more comfortable with just a torn rag. I believe that my father couldn’t reconcile why such an incredible piece of art would be left to his care. My father saw me, and that touched me incredibly.
True story: At age 33 my mother sat me down to talk of forgiveness. I figured she wanted me to ap0logize for not doing something she wanted and was going to lord over me the fact she went through the labors of childbirth and kept a roof over my head even after my father and her divorced. I was ready to check my brain to pick up after leaving her place but then she starts in about how my parents weren’t doing so well together and then she found herself in the unique position that people who copulate find themselves in most times, she was pregnant. She’d had my sister just a few months earlier and let’s face it babies… damned inconvenient I guess. So she informs me that she took some chemicals to abort the baby (ME!!!) and it didn’t work. She made some deal with God that if I were born normal she’d take good care of me. Apparently she forgot that little detail. Why she felt the need to share this horror with me I’ll never know. Maybe it was to burn down the little bit of self worth I’d managed to build thus far. She huffed and she puffed…
I played it rather glib and told her I wasn’t the one to apologize to and that I was quite sure God wanted me to be here and there was nothing she or anyone else on earth could do about that. She cried, I think real tears I can’t say for sure. My eyes were dry and I tried to convince myself it was nothing and no big deal. When I told my friends, at that time, they looked at me completely horrified and a couple cried. I claimed it didn’t bother me and even laughed at how horrible my mother could really be. I called my dad and told him what mom felt the need to share with me. He tried to blow it off and even said “Oh that’s nothing I think I got the stuff for her.” Apparently this wasn’t the first time she’d used the chemical and they’d “ gotten rid of a couple pregnancies before that” I asked my dad how could he do this to me! ME??!!! Dad’s response: “I didn’t know you then” And that was the line that saved me from dipping lower in my self-esteem at that moment. My dad realized after I arrived I was a Crystal even though he didn’t quite know how to take care of one. Still true, Dad had wanted to name me Krystal with a K before my mom let his mother name me since he wasn’t in the hospital. I just remembered that. Well we’ve come to the emotional overload of this day and I must check out.
Posted by ijellorca at 3:47 PM | Comments (0)
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