Day 3 to Change

Weight: No change
Food eaten: Nothing so far, no desire today. It�s 8pm
Exodus: Downstairs with dog twice
Exercise: Squats and crunches
Hygiene: sponge bath too cold to get under water
Writing: Further diagrammed my screenplay -ready to write the rest systematically
Chores: Unloaded/loaded dishes. Cleaned kitchen. Prepared roast for oven, letting it cook in clay roaster really slow so I don�t have to deal with it. Started rearranging bookshelf and books

Great indoors lyrics by john Mayer

Check your pulse it's proof
that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you

The rhythm of a line of idle days

Scared of a world outside
you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
The great indoors

Lamplight makes the shadows play
And posters take the walls away
The T.V. is your window pane

The view won't let you down
So put your faith in a late night show
I bet you didn't even know
Depends on how far out you go
The channel numbers change

Scared of a world outside
you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors

Though lately I can't blame you
I have seen the world
And sometimes wish your room
Had room for two

So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for
Leave the great indoors
Please leave the great indoors

Check your pulse it's
proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days of idle days

When I listen to John Mayer I wonder sometimes if he�s been in my head or watching like a fly on the wall in my escape from the world. My TV went bonkers and I drove everyone nutz while I tried to get it fixed. Futility on that front so I whined even harder and my sweetie broke down and bought me a television because he couldn�t take it anymore. I told my therapist that I felt completely alone without the television especially since I rarely saw people. The sad part is my TV watching is quite suspect! I have no idea what�s on �prime time� television. I never watched �Friends� I hear about awards telecasts the next day or if it�s listed on the computer start page. I can sit days without watching it and could care less. It�s kind of like the movie Baby Boom when Diane Keaton is explaining to a veterinarian (unbeknownst to her) that she misses sex even though it wasn�t very good it�s just awful when you have no prospects of it! Well that�s the gist of what she said anyways. I felt just as illogically depressed about having no possibility of a connection to the world.

Most of what I pay for in life is for the potential of something. Like Sunday brunches, I don�t want to stuff myself into abdominal pain I just like to try a few things and then that�s that. Usually a couple hours later I�m starving. My friends (the few left) they want to get their money�s worth. My money�s worth was having a choice. That�s what my money buys when I pay for cable and a digital recorder.
The Choice. One of a handful of words that impact me greatly. I have food here that I may never eat but knowing it�s here makes me crave it less. Other people tend to eat what�s around. I eat when I�m trying to embrace myself. When I�m hurt by the thoughts of the past� i.e.:

A mother who treated me like I was nothing (even tried to abort me by taking chemicals)

Being sexually abused by the time I was 4 years old by a Mentally disabled distant cousin then 3-4 years later by my own brother. (I had blocked the first incident out by the time my brother started in on me)

The gaining of weight and being called �fatso� as a child (Oh but lovingly by my family� right I so loved it!)

Feeling like a tainted unclean freak every time I met anyone my age, just sure they knew my brother and cousin had touched me in disgusting frightening ways.

Mean people and a job where you�re threatened constantly for the 8-15 hours you work every day and disciplined for any call by anyone to the bus company saying they didn�t think you smiled or because the heater on the bus didn�t work.

Yeah, it took my getting beaten up a couple times and a therapist, Psychologist, and Psychiatrist for me to realize how much my emotional status affected my eating. I began to notice after those appointments I�d want to stop somewhere, anywhere and get something fattening, greasy and creepy and then I�d be sick almost from the moment it hit my lips! I still don�t know if I got sick from the food or my ailing brain cuing me from the whole trauma of it all! Either way emotional sharing or �realizing� or expressing just tears me up inside.

I have this great fa�ade when I�m in the midst of people that makes everyone feel at ease and comfortable and that I�m �totally together� when I�m little more than pea sized glowing ember left from my usual catastrophic spontaneous combustion generated by interactions with people and their junk. As if I didn�t have enough of my own to ravage me. I�ve been told I�m some kind of �empath� like the kid in the movie Little man Tate. Well isn�t that grand, not that I believe it. I think it�s a way to make me feel good about feeling so tragically affected by other people and their JUNK! (You must learn to set boundaries!, as my therapist says!)

I wonder about all of us little humans running around with massive junky luggage and it�s no wonder we don�t have the strength to be faithful, kind, loving and giving. We�re downtrodden with the world even when we don�t realize it!

Don�t get me wrong, it�s so very easy to do, I�ll give you that. I�m more upset that I�m having trouble playing with the rest of the world. I suspect the world has no problem playing with me though.

Posted by ijellorca on September 30, 2004 8:09 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl

1. Posted by Jamie on September 29, 2004