Day 2 to Change

Weight: No change
Food eaten:
3 pieces Fried Fish
~15 fries
4 hushpuppies
1-1/2 C of chowder
1 Dryer's Lemonade bar
Exodus: none
Exercise: None.
Hygiene:
Writing: none
Chores: none

Lost track of time yesterday and the whole day got away from me. I haven't had a shower since 2 days ago. I feel absolutely creepy and unhappy. It's so hard to keep yourself on the positive light at the end of the tunnel when you feel so low yourself.

I went to therapy yesterday and I was in tears as we talked about my self worth and how little I believe in it most of the time! I can't let another week go by without feeling like I've done something to get myself more on track. I've keep wanting to work on my goals but that gets so overwhelming as well! I can't stand what I see in the mirror and so I'm fairly certain no one else can stand to look at me. I feel like a weak scared beaten child today. I can't move my arms or legs without feeling the humongousness of my fat flesh. It's so depressing. Food doesn't hold the charming lovely escape it used to.

I'm lonely. I want to be with my sweetie but I can't stand to think about him touching me this way anymore. I want him so badly. I want to get pregnant with his child but fat holds toxins. I have enough going against me and any pregnancy I might experience. My weight, my age, my fears and insecurities. Sometimes I get so tired of being so damned fearful I don't move at all.

A friend's coming by to have dinner with me today. I'm looking forward to seeing her but I'm going to tell her I'm feeling sick. I don't want to ruin her birthday. She says she'll pick up dinner. I don't really want to eat. I don't want her to be upset. Ah hell the whole day is shot! It's almost 4pm and I've done nothing but stuff my face.

I've got to do at least one thing for myself today. My goals maybe. I'm so terrified of dreaming big because so many things have been squashed for me in the last 2 years. I've got to come up with at least one thing I can do every day. One thing that's so small but will help me to make changes nonetheless and build upon that.

Gone for now. Goals to build on.

Posted by ijellorca on September 29, 2004 3:51 PM | DIGG | del.icio.us | furl