Day 1 to Change

There was a time that I lost all care of my own personal hygiene which why I included that. I remember once I actually when 2 weeks without a bath or brushing my teeth. I refused to see anyone or go anywhere. I finally admitted that I didn�t have a shower for one week, which obviously wasn�t the truth. I admitted it to one of my closest friends and my sweetheart. They were really upset. They had no idea that things were and are much worse at any time in my life since the attacks. I knew that they�d be truly horrified and it was bad enough that I knew and could barely stand to live with myself but having them know the absolute truth at how degraded I�d become was too much for me at that time to handle.

I was the closest I�d ever been to suicide at that time in my life. My therapist kept telling me to check in to hospital if I should feel like hurting myself. I sat for a whole week trying to figure out how I could kill myself and yet have someone find the dog without her starving to death in the apartment alone. Then I�d break down and cry myself into unconsciousness. This was unfortunately or fortunately when I�d finally get some sleep. The trouble was nightmares woke me up generally within the next 30- 60 minutes. It never lasted longer than an hour if I fell asleep at all. The fact I felt so worthless and insignificant just left me wanting to check out of this life. I didn�t believe the world deserved me. I was a nice person and I didn�t understand why I was so greatly mistreated.