A Journey Through Life: Living with DID

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November 25, 2006

somedays things happen that just sorta make you think. I think alot of times but sometimes i think about why. Why am i here. Why do people act the way they do. I just seem to question everything. There has to be a reason for everything. It just cant all just be. Sometimes its hard to understand things.

depression just sorta seems to be lingering around. If i'm going to be bipolar, my body could at least give me some of the highs too. Ok Everyone Did you hear that? I WANT THE HIGHS TOO!!!!!! I'm sick of having the medium blahs and then hitting bottom.

today was sorta one of those days where you just sorta wanna hide in the bed and pull the covers over your eyes and sing *LA LA LA LA LA I cant hear you and you cant see me. I wish that really did work. Kinna like it did when we were younger and still does for jill and tott. If you just pull the covers over your head nothing can see you anymore cause you cant see it.

I took my kids to the park today and talked to another mom there. She brought some wax paper with her so the kids all took turns going down the slide on wax paper. It worked very very well. You just have to make sure the slide isnt too slipery when you do it.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 1:36 PM | Comments (0)

November 21, 2006

have you ever noticed that when you have a blog, or community or something like that, someone always comes by and adds spam to it or attempts to spam it in some way. Its so very very annoying.

My sister and I are going out black friday shopping. I cant wait to go. It gets me out of the house and her and i will get some time to talk. i love having a mom and dad, but I love having a sister too. I actually got 2 sisters now. my youngest sister can be a pain sometimes, but i think thats a rule or something somewhere. shes still a good sister.

I finally got Jill back into school and with her friends again. I know shes been missing her school terribly. Unfortunatly it took so long to get her back in again, most of the kids she knew that were in her class have either moved up a grade or moved or something like that. I hope she makes some new friends now.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 6:12 PM | Comments (0)

November 20, 2006

pepl are alwys comin n goin n mosa time dey don com bak gain. dey say dey wil n den dey dont. I fink sumtims it betr to jus stay hidn cuse den nufin bad can ebr hapin. n if i jus stay hidn den thers no way for me to be in the way or be a pain n stufs.

i jus wana hids n dispears for a whil. Amy says i bes a pain n stufs n dats i shuld jus gos way.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 5:26 PM | Comments (0)

November 14, 2006

We have this one cat thats sorta chubly

We have this one cat thats sorta chubly and doesnt really seem to be overly friendly with anyone. He sorta reminds me of a king or something like that. Sometimes when I look at him, he seems to be saying, This is my house you serve me.

For some strange reason the past few days he has taken to curling up on my lap while I sit at the computer. He is even letting me pick him up and comming to me when I call him. Its just soo weird because its unusual for him to do that.

My mom looked up one of my meds today, and then I did too. It turns out the med I thought I was getting for sleep is really just another bipolar med. UGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I really hate doctors, like i dont know what I need or something. They must think I stay up all night partying or something. Give me a break!

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 7:40 PM | Comments (945)

November 12, 2006

on a roller coaster today

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster today. One minute I'm happy, the next extremly sad, the next i'm really angry at everyone and everything. Its all really exhausting.

Jill had a really hard day today. Sometimes theres no way to explain things to a little. Christmas time is a hard time, theres all the excitement about what everyone wants or what everyone is getting for christmas. Then theres all the expectations. Your supposed to be happy just because its christmas time.

I'm instantly supposed to change into this little goody 2 shoes person. Gag me! People are sooooooooo annoying. I would love to live on another planet or something.

Amy Jo

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 4:49 PM | Comments (61)

November 11, 2006

We’ve turned the page, for a new day has dawned
We’ve re-arranged what is right and what’s wrong
Somehow we’ve drifted so far from the truth
That we can’t get back home
Where are the virtues that once gave us light
Where are the morals that governed our lives
Someday we all will awake and look back
just to find what we’ve lost

The newest rage is to reason it out
Just meditate and you can overcome every doubt
After all man is a God, they say
God is no longer alive

But I still believe in the old rugged cross
And I still believe there is hope for the lost
And I know the rock of all ages will stand
Through changes of time

We need to get back
To the basics of life
A heart that is pure
And a love that is blind
A faith that is fervently
grounded in Christ
The hope that endures for all times
These are the basics,
we need to get back
To the basics of life
\
We’ve let the darkness invade us too long
We’ve got to turn the tide
Oh and we need the passion that burned long ago
To come and open our eyes
There’s no room for compromise ~ basics of life by 4Him

Today is one of those days where you pinch your self just to know your alive. I've been floating in and out all day between barely being here and completly disapearing. Right now I feel like completly disapearing. I dont think anything even really happened. Silents been around alot and taking care of things. It helps some. I think I'm just stressed right now. I've been dealing with my ex and then everything else that goes on in life. Well that and I know I'm premenstrual. I always get really really depressed right before I get it. Depressed and very agitated and edgy. I take offence to almost anything during this time period. It really sucks. I'm on a new med and it seems to be helping some, but I'm still getting really depressed. *sigh* I wake up only to look forward to being able to go to bed. I'd stay in bed all day long if it werent for my girls.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 4:17 PM | Comments (0)

November 10, 2006

I read on a web site a while back about mapping your system. It seemed like a pretty easy concept to me. Seemed being the key word. The further I get into it the more complicated it seems. Not only do all my alters have their own personalities and sides to them but then theres all sorts of different sides to me too. Sometimes I think things would just be alot easier if we could change our physical apperences so that every one could see all the different people that we live with inside of us. It all gets so confuseing.

A simple question like * what do you want to eat for dinner* can get very complicated depending on who is all around. Theres one that hates anything with sugar in it, another that only wants to eat sugar, one that hates vegetables, one that hates most fruit, ugggggg!

Sometimes I wonder what being a singleton is like. I personally think it would be extremly boring. At least if your a multiple theres almost always someone there to talk to and theres always something going on.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 2:14 PM | Comments (0)

November 9, 2006

bonfire

I promised the little people today that we would go to the park and roastmarshmellows and hotdogs and then we ended up doing yard work and crap and by the time we left the sun was setting, My sister and i walked all the way to the park only to have our parents show up after we get there to say it was time to go home. Sure they were going to do a fire at home instead but thats not the point. I promised something and walked to the park to do it. I'm not supposed to be pissed off about it though. and then they ordered pizza. Like that is supposed to help things and i'm just supposed to be all happy go lucky n stuff. I'm not!!!!
I'm not trying to say its anybodys fault. Just you know how when you really look forward to something and then something happens that you cant do it, it just sorta pisses you off for a while till you can vent a bit.

On the other side, I had alot of fun again today with my mom. We spent alot of time together doing various things and it really was lots of fun.
I love both of my parents alot, theres just moments when i feel like ripping all my hair out and screaming.

Amy

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 3:30 PM | Comments (0)

November 8, 2006

have you ever had one of those days?

have you ever had one of those days where you can feel all the hairs on your head turning grey? One of those days when you just know people are trying to make you go insane.

Its been one of those days for me with both of my girls. They seem to be on a contest to see who can make mommie go nuts the fastest. They have been taking turns all day today having screaming contests for everything from wanting my candy to being told to laydown for a nap. I seriously think at least half of my hair has turned grey today. I finally had to take some xanx because my nerves were fried.

On a good note we went shopping last night and while I have to cringe at the bill for my meds and other things, I had a blast with my mom. It was nice just getting out of the house and having some positive time together.

things get so busy here alot. Its nice when things slow down for a little while.

I think we are going to the library soon to pick out some new books. Jill really likes the berenstein bear books. I think they are her favorite.
I started to read a serious of unfortunate events and got almost through the whole series. I didnt care for them much but they are the kind of book that are soooooooooo annoying that you have to finish reading them just for the principal of the thing.

jill and amy are going to start school soon. I signed them both up on this online school type place that is really a neat place. They have different classes for different ages. I think it will give them something to do.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 12:00 PM | Comments (0)

November 7, 2006

rambling

i went to bed early last night. The past few days have been a little rough. The good news though is the new med seems to be helping already. Its a new sleep aid that isnt supposed to be so addictive.
There are tons of leaves in the yard so i might go out rakeing later on.

Now that my brain can function a little bit better today I had the chance to think more about how my appointment went yesterday. Besides the fact that it was cut in half, there are other things that happened that I just sorta have to shake my head at. Like for example, she asked me how often I felt I was switching out and for how long. I wonder if i should have told her that I hear little green men too. Ok so thats not really funny but in a way it is. The questions she was asking just made me think that she has no clue what she is doing. the questions themselfs were ok i guess, but it was how she was asking them. She very clearly has little to no expirence with this disorder. She made the comment to me once that maybe I shouldnt be alone with the kids for very long periods of time. I'm leaning more and more towards switching to someone else.

my mom and i have desks right next to each other. on the other side of her desk is a big window. I like to sit at my desk and just kind of stare out the window. It over looks a main highway. Theres nothing really to look at except cars. I just seem to space out and mellow out a bit watching the cars go by and the leaves fall from the trees.

I had so much fun with my mom yesterday at the park feeding the ducks and taking a walk through the woods.

One of our cats, the one that thinks hes king of the house, went and layed down in my lap last night. He actually climbed up on his own and plopped himself down on my lap. he never does stuff like that. it was nice though and he was sooooooo warm.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 8:29 AM | Comments (2)

November 6, 2006

clearing a few things up

I decided to just take a few minutes today to clear up a few things before I go into my journaling.

I have 2 wonderful real life kids ages 2&3 that mean the world to me. They are my pride and joy. Both are girls. They do something almost everyday that completly blows me away.

i have a wonderful family that i am living with now. same ones from last summer. Some times adjusting gets really hard and there are some hard times but i'm really glad they are my family now.

I had a counsoling session today. I'm not at all impressed. First off, I have a very hefty copay for each session. a session is like 50 minutes. I got like 20 minutes with the counsoler today. I know i need to give her a chance. I'm just really not that overly impressed with her. I try talking to her about the did and other stuff and shes not really tuneing into stuff. The good thing is that they have super comfortable couches there. The kind that make you wanna lay back and go to sleep.

We went tothe park again today and fed the ducks. We started out with just a couple of ducks. then as we started feeding them more and more came over until we had almost all the ducks from the lake over by us. we left before they started get agitated cause we ran out of food.

I'm calling it an early night tonight. So much has gone on and my brain is fried right now.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 4:13 PM | Comments (874)

November 5, 2006

healing

The last few days have been sorta a healing period. All the cuts all over my arm and legs have started to heal pretty good. I know my mom wants me to tell her before I do it, but I cant. I'm not at that point yet. Sure I could say that i felt like cutting but then i would probably just find something else to do, like burn or maybe something worse.

Weve had lots of people over the past several weeks come over. Its hard to know what to think about it all. Mostly i just try and pretend nothing is going on, that no one else is here. Its lots easier that way.

I played 2 games with my little sister today, ok so shes not so little, but shes still my little sister. I played monopoly and dice with her for like 2 hours. Then i did some crafts and made my mom a pumpkin picture out of construction paper. I'm thinking of getting a web cam so i can take picture of some of the stuff we do.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 2:08 PM | Comments (51)

November 4, 2006

park

I took the girls to the park today and jill cleared a path through the leaves in the woods. It took forever for us to get to the end of the trail but she was happy. You could actually tell where the path was going after she moved alot of the leaves. It was no easy task either cause it was kind of a long trail.
We sat in one of the shelters for a while and watched the snow melt off of the building. It was soothing, almost made us want to take a nap.

on the way out we saw some deer, 2 of them. Jill tried to catch them but they ran away too fast.

Today went a little better than yesterday. I'm not sure I can say it was alot better. For the past several weeks weve just sorta been alive, not really here and not really gone. I just say i'm going into my own little world, but the truth is, half the time i dont really know where I am. I dont know who I am or what I'm supposed to say or feel or think. Everything gets so confusing. And then to try and explain anything that is going on when i dont get it myself is hard. I know my mommy worries alot and i just dont get it. I dont get why it would matter to anyone else if i cut or got hurt or what happens to me. I just dont understand it.

I've kinna been avoiding sleeping in my mom and dads room. I did it the other night but other than that i havent been. Its like i've been avoiding the whole world cause if i dont the whole world is going to fall apart. Its silly I know. I just think that if i'm not there or kinna just stay out of the way then everything will be ok.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 6:00 PM | Comments (60)

November 3, 2006

days

Today has been one of those days when I look in the mirror and have no idea who i am. Its like i'm stareing at a stranger on the other side. That cant possibly be me i am looking at, but yet it is. How can i be me when i have no idea who me is.

we had a fall back today. i cut both my legs up and one of my arms, nothing real serious cause none of it is very deep or anything, but still *sighs* I wanted to do it lots more, all over the place but i got my mom before it got any worse. I know she doesnt understand it, either one of my parents for that matter. Its not really something I can explain. I mean why do any of us that are cutters really cut? Sure i could think up tons of reasons but is there any real reason for why we do it?
Sometimes I dont understand things. Like how you can be completly pissed off at someone and love them at the same time, or how love can not have any conditions places upon it.

Theres so much new stuff going on around the house and most of it I dont know how to cope with. Most days latley I just sorta retreat into my own world and pretend i cant hear or see anything else. None of the changes are bad or negative ones i just dont know how to deal with change.

my dad made me a new bed. It sits up sorta high and my kids beds sit underneath it now. They have another bed in their room that I sleep in sometimes. I like being down there with them at night time, especially when its really dark out and I get scared.

I stayed up all night on halloween night. I watched a horror movie and then tried to go to bed, yeah right! i kept looking out the window waiting for this giant bird creature thingy to come flying at the window. have you ever noticed that there seems to be more windows when you are terrified of something getting in them? Everytime I tried to close my eyes I'd wake up again and watch the window.

Posted by Heavensdaughter at 11:31 AM | Comments (50)