July 15, 2004
Sometimes it's hard...
I don't even know if there is a beginning. It's just a was. An is. My mom is agoraphobic. The funny thing is...well it was normal. I mean you don't usually talk about what your parents do when you are growing up unless it's to say - oh my mom is so mean. She wouldn't let me stay out all night, etc., etc. I never told my friends that my mom didn't do things cause she was "sick" a lot. That she kept to her room sometimes for entire days. That I don't actually remember a vacation with her for a good chunk of years right in the middle of my childhood.
I guess this diary is more to capture moments of memory when they come up. Things that I saw. Funny moments. Angry ones. It's like I'm always trying to capture the essence of what I grew up with in words but it doesn't often come out the way I want, so I'll try this. And maybe someone out there will understand a bit about this life and how it feels looking in from the outside.
Indoor Picnic
We settle on the plush pile of brown carpet
And scan the horizon out the basement window
We're surrounded by trees in perpetual autumn
Printed in shades of beige on our couch, loveseat and matching chair.
I can smell pledge and lemony spic and span-the smell of every season
It's even nicer when the snow melts and the windows are left open.
In rushes the tastes of green and grasses
That mingle with our egg salad and pink kool-aid
Helps us eat our carrot sticks and broccoli heads.
On the floor, under folded legs, is the green garbage bag - our picnic blanket substitute
It crackles when we shift, feels cold when we lean before it sticks to our legs.
We don't mind so much - mom's been seven years here,
Don't want to mess things up now and start spilling.
We drink to good health though we know it's hopeless
Left in fields of carpet, we eat marshmallows stabbed on forks and burnt on the stove.
In a way it reminds us of camping and evergreens and sky
Instead of being lost in the land of the housebound.
Posted by Rachel on July 15, 2004 10:07 AM
I am an agoraphobic as well, only I was housebound for 3 years. Your mom is not alone out here. She is lucky to have a supportive daughter!
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TITLE: Where to Begin
AUTHOR: Rachel
DATE: 6/17/2004 04:22:45 AM
Posted by: Anonymous at July 15, 2004 09:15 AM
Hi Rachel,I am the one who posted that you are a supportive daughter. Not many people take the time to try and understand what an agoraphobic goes through on a daily basis. When I said you were supportive, I meant that in the nicest possible way. I have a son who is 16 and who is very supportive of me as well. I know it's hard for you to go through what you do because of your mom, and that it is hard NOT to blame her for it. Just like I know how hard it is for my son to have to deal with me and all my other illnesses. But you two are a rare breed-family members who want to learn all they can to help their loved ones and in effect help themselves to understand better about agoraphobia.
Posted by: I.Rose Savage at July 19, 2004 08:23 PM
Hi, I’m on my path of recovery from agoraphobia and I just wanted to give you a hug...((((((Hugs)))))) and send love to you and your family. I’m so sorry that you had to struggle with your Mom’s disorder. Very often we forget how much our loved ones are affected. Love,---safehttp://safe.blogdrive.com/
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TITLE: The Wheels on the Bus
AUTHOR: Rachel
DATE: 6/19/2004 05:02:41 AM
Posted by: Anonymous at September 28, 2004 04:21 PM