April 14, 2005
"I'm fine, I'll be fine." Maybe not.
I've been fighting with my boyfriend more frequently lately. He keeps telling me I need to go to the doctor. I keep telling myself that I'm fine, and I'm not really that screwed up, but he begs to differ. He thinks that I'm at the point where I absolutely do need to seek some help. I still don't believe him, but he says that just from what I tell him, I need to get help. I keep thinking that my anxiety is normal, my self-loathing is normal, my intense mood swings are normal, the hypochondriasis is normal...my depression is normal. I know that if I go, they'll just tell me that I'm experiencing life anxiety or something like that. And I don't want to just be handed a freaking pill to start taking. I'm so scared of being on medication. I don't want it to change me, I don't want side effects, I just want to feel normal. And just when I think that I am and do feel normal, something happens and I get so upset that I just scream at the top of my lungs, and then get this horrible nagging empty feeling in my stomach that won't go away. I just want it to be over.
I'm so scared.
Posted by fourrightchords on April 14, 2005 12:53 PM
Hi I thought you might like a poem. these are lyrics to a song I wrote, Called A Reason for Living. I hope it's words will refresh your heart! If you close your eyes with each line, you should find pictures of hope will appear in your mind.
A Reason For Living
Written by Matthew Bunkall 19.3.04
You are a breeze of tranquillity.
You are the whisper of affection.
You are the silent words of devotion.
You are an echo of love.
Yes you are, yes you are
A reason for living.
You are a stream of flowing water.
You are the peaceful morning calm.
You are a candle in the darkness.
You are the beating of my heart.
Yes you are, yes you are
A reason for living.
You are the vision of the mountains.
You are the waves that move the tide.
You are the purest inspiration.
You are the deep soul’s desire.
Yes you are, yes you are
A reason for living.
---
I hope you will have a better day tomorrow.
Love Matt
Posted by: Matthew Bunkall at April 26, 2005 2:02 PM
You might want to think about coginitive therapy. I hate pills too, and I have tried about 6 or 7 different meds over the years. I recently tapered off the latest bunch. But I've been with an awesome therapist that does the cognitive behavioral therapy and it's worked better than anything I've ever tried before. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. By the way, I don't think your boyfriend would be that concerned for you for no reason.
Posted by: LeftoverJoe at June 15, 2005 7:05 AM
hey,
one of my friends was suffering from severe anxiety and was on quite a lot of meds. he recently came off the medication and said that he has been able to totally overcome it using some techniques he learnt in a free course. I am going to take it and see how it goes for me. The website is:
http://www.gnosticweb.com/index.php?PageID=334
Anyway, all the best and keep fighting!
John
Posted by: John at October 25, 2005 8:17 PM
I found your blog by typing "four right chords can make me cry" into Google after listening to a song that made me cry and remembering that lyric, but not what song it was from.
My dad was diagnosed as being bipolar and another close friend of mine was recently diagnosed as well. My only advice to you would be to *read* as much as possible; philosophy, psychology, religion - figure yourself out. Find out the reason for your 'life anxiety' - I have it too, and this is the approach I'm taking.
Posted by: Justin at April 5, 2006 8:32 PM
Hey, I am a 16 year-old girl that just got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. After living with depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and severe anxiety since puberty, I finally got help. I went through the same thing that you are going through boyfriend-wise. And he is right. I am now in counseling once a week and I am on a bipolar medication. Yes, it has tramatically altered my life, but my life is absolutely amazing now that I have finally gotten out of this hole. Ask for help; you will be surprised how much it will make life easier in general. =) And feel free to contact me via my email, softersinxx3@yahoo.com
Posted by: Allie at October 14, 2006 1:01 AM
Being 17 and having all of this must be a really hard thing to deal with but there is a bright side to this all. You have a boyfriend who obviously cares about you and loves you and just because he may get mad at you sometimes doesn't mean that he wont be there for you. Let him and your family help you through all of this and let them be your support when you need it. But also let them know that you appriciate the support and love that they give you, and always remember that there is always a bright side to everything and just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isnt there.
Posted by: T at December 6, 2006 6:32 PM
oh man. i'm a 17 year old girl too. and i was just listening to a song that had a happy melody and a chromatic scale in the background and i can't listen to it without crying so i typed in "chords that make you cry" hoping that i'm not falling apart and that it's just a psychological reaction and i found this page, the end.
ps: listen to "sunday" it's the finale from the musical "sunday in the park with george"
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