March 23, 2005
Thinking about cliff-diving...
Today has been absolutely horrible. The weather outside even matches it...just gray and cold and damp. It started out horrible, and it's continued to stay that way. This morning when I took my boyfriend home before school, he wasn't very nice to me, and I just felt ugly and stupid and worthless. I hate that I let people feel that way. I know I shouldn't, but there's nothing I can do to keep from feeling that way ALL THE TIME. When he got out of the car, he wasn't even going to tell me he loved me...the only reason he did was because I said "I love you" as he was about to close the door. So that was a bad start. When I got to school, I was walking up the steps and I noticed a penny lying heads down on one of them, like it was strategically placed there to remind me that today was going to suck and that I wanted to jump off a cliff. I really would like to jump off a cliff, but not having any guts is another of my many flaws. Then, we had to take our Algebra II test today, and I knew I was going to fail, but it was disappointing and draining anyway. I've become so angry and drained from not being taught correctly that I think I've stopped caring. I didn't even really care when I turned in my test with twelve questions blank and the rest mostly guesses. I have absolutely no emotional energy anymore, and nearly no physical energy as well. I hate how I feel. I hate hating myself, as contradictory as that may sound. I hate being bipolar, I hate worrying about everything, I hate caring about everything. I hate feeling like I have nothing to look forward to and like I want to drive my car off a cliff to see if anyone notices. This is a horrible way to live.
I miss being a little girl. And it's only going to get worse.
Posted by fourrightchords on March 23, 2005 10:25 AM
life is a delicate balance
hating and loving it are not that different they are intertwined inextricable parts of the whole experience
the things that matter to other people don't have to matter to you
school is not your life and it doesn't have to be
this is your life and you can value anything in it that you want to
its confusing and amazing and interesting and you don't need to have everything people tell you you need to have to be happy... you don't even need to be happy... you can just be
and be free
good luck
Posted by: michelle at May 1, 2005 1:58 PM
Your diary is very honest and very moving. I am truly sorry that school/life is such a battle. I never write on web things, but i felt compelled to as some of your comments hit home for me. I am 25 and i can honestly say that every year of my life has got steadily better since i left school. I too found it hard to fit in and the hierarchies of the school were utterly draining not to mention the monotomy of it. I also found that my friendship group dwindled as time went on and that was hard too. I thougth it was because i had chosen not to take part in certain activities and didn't go out all night and steal things like a lot of people i knew. Looking back i can see that it was just an extreme lack of confidence on my part. I am gay and although i did not acknowledge it until i was 19 i see now that that was part of my difference and made it very hard for me to blend in. Without writing too much of a biog i really wanted to say that you may find that the things that make your difference now, may become your strength. You are clearly a complex and thoughtful person and you will find that these qualities will be prized as you get older. I recommend placing yourself in new environments (university was key for me) where you can change and present yourself a new - it is most liberating. I also think that in the future you may want to try types of therapy - I simply had some counselling and it made all the difference and really helped my relationship with my boyfriend. Don't close options for yourself. A couple other things: you may hate those around you at school and they may well be idiots, but bare in mind that they are trying to work their own path too and may find following the pack the best option or may grow to feel ashamed of their behaviour. It is amazing how people i bump into now have changed and grown up. Feelings of hate generally turn inwards so being generous to others will allow you to be generous to yourself. Finally please allow your boyfriend to love you - do not set traps to for him to make him fail and let you down - such as expecting him to say i love you every time he says good bye. I have lived with my boyf for 6 years and although he means the world to me and we love each other very much we are still separate people and each have good and bad days and we cannot expect that we are always in sink. So take the I loves yous when they come and try not to put so much pressure on both of you. Ok sorry for being so didatic. I hope that life gets better - i think it will.
With love.
Ben
Posted by: Ben Cranfield at September 13, 2005 4:01 AM