September 25, 2004

Ain't Life Grand?

I haven't posted since July which is when my life fell apart, and every disorder I have kicked in.

First, right after I posted here, I had a manic episode and was up 5 days. First one I've had in years. Now, don't get me wrong, these are really fun. It's the consequences that are so bad. I spent all but $167.00 of my August check in July and have been playing catch-up ever since. I bought a lot of online antiques, so I started reselling them immediately on Yahoo. It's worked out pretty well, I'll be caught up in October. It's worked out so well actually, that I now have more fun selling than I do buying.
I have no idea what brought it on after all these years. Stress I guess. The problems with the Dr. and then the book being published, and other things. Good stress will get you just the same as bad.
So, anyway I've been pretty stable since then until my last Dr. appt. a couple weeks ago. Just extremely busy because really selling takes a lot of time. Then my last Dr. appt. she decided to violate about 10 of my rights. She took a phone call while I was in there and talked back and forth to a case manager about a family abusing their daughter's meds, and finally said "Bottom line is, these people are medicaid and beggars can't be choosers."
When she got off I told her since I was one of her "BEGGARS" that perhaps I should bring my meds in and show her I didn't abuse them. Things desintegrated from there. She told me the people here don't want to work. When I mentioned there are no jobs she said that was an excuse. Then she told me she was so sick of people just coming to her to get drugs to abuse and sell. I again said I'd be happy to show her mine. She said, "why are you so defensive? You always think I'm talking about you." I don't know, maybe because I was the only person in her office at the time :-) Then she told me to feel free to go to someone else, which was a real joke since there is no one else. And she scheduled my next appt. with her assistant, which don't get me wrong, I'd rather see her but she didn't discuss the change with me, just made it.
So, my case manager, furious, reported her and wanted me to file a grievence. Then when I talked to my sister, she said it was absolutely necessary for me to do it "for all the people who can't defend themselves like you can." Well, I did it once before and ended up getting my services cut even though I won. There is always a backlash to these things. Finally my group convinced me I should do it. They see me as soom kind of hero, making the world safe for the MI. I'm no hero, I'm just old and tired and really don't care anymore what they do to me.
So, things built up inside from there, and on Thursday I decided it would be a good day to die. So, I took an OD AND cut my veins from the tops of my hands clear to one elbow that night. Now, I'm not normally a cutter, because it hurts and I'm a wimp, but that night was just different. Now, this behavior is a result of my Borderline Personality disorder, not the bi-polar disorder.
It's hard to explain what this feels like after you survive and the humilation you feel trying to apologize to people for something you really shouldn't have apologize for, but you're so sad about scaring people.
Other than that, I guess on a good note, the publisher liked our stories so well that she wants another anthology ASAP. Fortunately, the story my friend wanted to use this time was already written so I just sent it to him. However, I'm still going to be on the look out for what this news may do to me. It's good to be back, kinda normal, but now I'm going through being tired all the time again. See you soon, Cheryl Well, I can't get the spell check to work, so please overlook my errors.

Posted by Cheryl Crossan on September 25, 2004 10:50 AM