September 25, 2004

I haven't posted since July which is when my life fell apart, and every disorder I have kicked in.

First, right after I posted here, I had a manic episode and was up 5 days. First one I've had in years. Now, don't get me wrong, these are really fun. It's the consequences that are so bad. I spent all but $167.00 of my August check in July and have been playing catch-up ever since. I bought a lot of online antiques, so I started reselling them immediately on Yahoo. It's worked out pretty well, I'll be caught up in October. It's worked out so well actually, that I now have more fun selling than I do buying.
I have no idea what brought it on after all these years. Stress I guess. The problems with the Dr. and then the book being published, and other things. Good stress will get you just the same as bad.
So, anyway I've been pretty stable since then until my last Dr. appt. a couple weeks ago. Just extremely busy because really selling takes a lot of time. Then my last Dr. appt. she decided to violate about 10 of my rights. She took a phone call while I was in there and talked back and forth to a case manager about a family abusing their daughter's meds, and finally said "Bottom line is, these people are medicaid and beggars can't be choosers."
When she got off I told her since I was one of her "BEGGARS" that perhaps I should bring my meds in and show her I didn't abuse them. Things desintegrated from there. She told me the people here don't want to work. When I mentioned there are no jobs she said that was an excuse. Then she told me she was so sick of people just coming to her to get drugs to abuse and sell. I again said I'd be happy to show her mine. She said, "why are you so defensive? You always think I'm talking about you." I don't know, maybe because I was the only person in her office at the time :-) Then she told me to feel free to go to someone else, which was a real joke since there is no one else. And she scheduled my next appt. with her assistant, which don't get me wrong, I'd rather see her but she didn't discuss the change with me, just made it.
So, my case manager, furious, reported her and wanted me to file a grievence. Then when I talked to my sister, she said it was absolutely necessary for me to do it "for all the people who can't defend themselves like you can." Well, I did it once before and ended up getting my services cut even though I won. There is always a backlash to these things. Finally my group convinced me I should do it. They see me as soom kind of hero, making the world safe for the MI. I'm no hero, I'm just old and tired and really don't care anymore what they do to me.
So, things built up inside from there, and on Thursday I decided it would be a good day to die. So, I took an OD AND cut my veins from the tops of my hands clear to one elbow that night. Now, I'm not normally a cutter, because it hurts and I'm a wimp, but that night was just different. Now, this behavior is a result of my Borderline Personality disorder, not the bi-polar disorder.
It's hard to explain what this feels like after you survive and the humilation you feel trying to apologize to people for something you really shouldn't have apologize for, but you're so sad about scaring people.
Other than that, I guess on a good note, the publisher liked our stories so well that she wants another anthology ASAP. Fortunately, the story my friend wanted to use this time was already written so I just sent it to him. However, I'm still going to be on the look out for what this news may do to me. It's good to be back, kinda normal, but now I'm going through being tired all the time again. See you soon, Cheryl Well, I can't get the spell check to work, so please overlook my errors.

Posted by Cheryl Crossan at 10:50 AM

July 14, 2004

I had a Dr appt. Today and then counseling appt. The Dr. Asked how I was I and said I couldn't remember when I'd been better. She said," that's nice, we're going to have to change your medicine. The state is asking me to justify why I'm giving you over the recommended dose of Concerta. I told you this would happen." I asked, "maybe you could tell them because it works?" She wasn't buying that, but it's ok cause I didn't buy the state thing. I know they might eventually come down on her, but she hadn't wanted to raise my dose three weeks ago. She said, "I'll do it but the pharmacy may send you back because it's over the recommended dose." They didn't, I had no trouble getting it filled and in three weeks, with all the scripts that go across their desks, the state notice me, little ole me here in lovely Appalachia was taking more than the recommended dose. So, I had a great three weeks, after working with three Dr's to get my meds adjusted so I could function and I say if it ain't broke, let's fix that baby. Doesn't matter, she won't be here long, she's the third in less than a year so the next one might have me on anti-psychotics instead. I've never have a psychotic episode, but you really get to the point where you don't care what they put you on.
I had a great counseling appt. I love my counselor, she's from India and we talk about all kinds of neat things. Some about me of course, but she tells me about India and she showed today on a map where she was from and some newspapers she had about India. Of course I didn't take my glasses and couldn't see half of it, but still fun. I took her two of my stories I ran off this morning before I went. I just found out our Short Story collection is going to be published yesterday and we are all in shock. It's only been, well not even three months since Michael, a friend of mine at American Zoetrope.com came up with the idea. He threw out an idea that we compile a SS collection and try and market it. We jumped on the idea, bored I guess. But we contributed stories, editing each others work, and then one of the 17 actually found us a publisher. In less than three months.
I talked to my sister today on Yahoo. She had the same comprehension of what was going on as usual. I love her dearly as she does me but she doesn't have a clue about my life, or what I do or how I do it. She said, "I just can't believe your book is going to be published. I always loved that story."
I said, "What are you talking about?"
"The story you wrote about Mom and Sunshine and everything. I always knew you do it Sissy. I'm really proud of you."
"Patty, that's not the story that's being published. I have written probably 30-40 stories since then. And it's not 'my' book."
"What do you mean it's not your book. What was the message you left me last night?"
"Several of us got together at zoe and put together a short story collection. It's called "Emerging voices" right now but I don't know what it will end up as. We are meeting online with the publisher online Friday."
"What story ARE you having published?"
"Surfin's Easier when There's Water Involved."
"I've never read that. Where did it come from?"
"It's about one of 40 you haven't read."
"Well how does this work? I mean, are they going to put all 17 of you on the cover? That's going to be a big book cover."
"Patty, you will open the book and there'll be a table of contents. It will have all the stories listed and the authors. Right now I'm on page 64 but that might easily change in the final edits."
"Sixty-four? You should be on page one. You probably did all the work anyway."
Anyway, no sense going on with that. Right now I'm waiting for my geek friend to get online. I'm just a geek wanna be. She's taught me so much about computers, a little about writing, and a lot about other things.
So it's been a so-so day. I took a nap after I got back from my appts. Doesn't take make to make me tired anymore. I should be working on my antiques site. I have new pictures that need loaded but I'm still feeling foggy. This is my first post. I wonder if I'm suppose to date it? Oh well, today is pretty much like yesterday and I'm sure a lot like tomorrow will be. Cheryl

Posted by Cheryl Crossan at 3:54 PM