February 28, 2005
Like a puzzle ball.
Have you ever played with those cheap plastic puzzle balls? You know, the ones you can get out of a candy machine for 50 cents. I could figure out how to construct them just fine, but even after I constructed them they always fell apart. I convinced myself every time that it was just a bad or cheaply made one, and I'd get another. But infallibly, every time I tried to play with or in any way use the toy, it collapsed on me.
I wonder what my life would be like if I weren't constantly reconstructing.
I love school, and for some god-forsaken reason I love myself as well. I had a breakdown a couple weeks ago and cut myself further down my arm and deeper than ever before. A few of my friends at college knew about the cutting and found out about the breakdown. They got me to see the school shrink, which didn't help at all, but they tried. They're the first people to want to do something for me.
I've been having deep conversations with boys recently, and I'm not sure why. I'm worried that I'm trying to do some romantic thing, but really I think I just want to feel connected to people. Yes, only I can manage to have those all-night, deep, pour-your-soul-out-on-a-table-and-pity-it conversations without any subtext.
It's all good though. I've lost some weight, kept up with all this crazy schoolwork. I feel good about myself even though I'm alone. Of course, I'm lonely, but I do feel good about myself.
I passed out two weeks ago, had a headache, upset stomach, double vision and worse back pain than ever before. I went to the nurse and she wouldn't believe that I wasn't pregnant (If I'd had sex, then I might have wondered), but she told me that barring pregnancy, I either had an aneurysm or a brain tumor. Since I'm not dead now, two weeks later, the only option left is brain tumor. The nurse is pretty much regarded as a quack (she took my blood pressure wrong), but I'm worried anyway.
No matter what I do, no matter how much I tell myself that I love myself, that I am loved and that I love, the criticism digs itself deeper into my mind. What does it matter if I love if no one loves me back? What does it matter if I write something here, if I express myself perfectly, transpose precisely my self to the page, not only if nobody reads it, but if no one would care if they did?
One person could make the difference. I know I have to believe in myself -- I truly know that -- but once I do, I can't just keep it up on my own. People validate one another.
And dear God I need someone to love. I could just explode with affection right now, so much so that my friends are getting umprompted hugs multiple times a day. What do you do with yourself when you're going to sleep in a dark, cold room, and all the imaginings in the world can't distract you?
Posted by Maya on February 28, 2005 10:34 PM
Comments
I am a complete stranger to you. But I read what you wrote because I hated myself to death and mentally abuse myself to the very most. I am a person who went through a tough year of intensive psychotherapy and anti-depressents. I am reading your journal because I am compassionate to others who hate themselves. Trust me, I understand and I can connect with you about yoru pain.
To learn how to love myself is the hardest. I wake up every morning questioning how can I possibly love myself? I was disgusted by who I was because someone left me all of a sudden. I judged myself in the worst form because that someone said I was not good enough. I will tell you this today. Journaling is a good step... Inviting gentle love and compassion is important. You won't be just fixed some day like a surgery. But you will heal from your pain and you will see how life is meant to be lived.
You might perceive nobody love you so why do you care about loving yourself. People say, human heart is like a kitchen. You can cook all the love you can and send it to others. You don't need others to cook a bad piece of bread and give it to you... because you deserve better.
It takes time to learn the skill of cooking. And it takes time to learn how to open up our hearts to love and to learn. You might have cooked a ton of food and trying to send it to many others but no appreciation is returned. But you can still cook a ton of food, take the act of giving as a form to connect with others.
You might not understand what I wrote today, but I hope you will understand it some day.
Posted by: Some Person at May 10, 2005 10:51 AM
wow.....this was like I was reading about myself. Exactly.i also cut as well. Can I please contact you to talk? Please?
Posted by: alex at December 18, 2005 10:55 AM