October 13, 2004
Ways to hate myself. It
Ways to hate myself.
It used to be cutting, but now it's not so easy.
Sorry I haven't posted in a long time, not that you care. Homework and college life have swamped me. It's great, but today I was reminded just how pathetic I am.
I really want to cut myself, and I really want to cry, and I'm not sure what I'll cave into, but I'll have to wait because I have a roommate now, even though she doesn't care if I'm in the room when she does anything.
Look what I'm doing to myself. I'm overworked by this insane cirriculum in the first place, and on top of that I overcommit, halfway break up with a boy who by all accounts should be the love of my life, get an irrational movie star crush, and begin spiraling all over again.
I don't want to, but it's so inviting. I don't want to fuck up my college career, but how reassuring would it be to wallow in self-hatred once more?
Maybe then I'd start writing again.
It's more than self-hatred this time too. I don't want to hurt myself or die as an escape, but because I really feel that valueless. No one can see past the descriptors of "larger" and "less cute" that immediately spring to mind upon meeting me.
When the tears do come, be they of blood or saltwater, they will be bittersweet, because nothing compares to the exactness of being trapped within emotion.
Posted by Maya on October 13, 2004 07:40 PM
Comments
Maya,
I know how you feel. Kind of. Of course I hate it when people say that to me because I realize they have no clue. At the same time I realize that I also may suffer but have no clue as to how you feel. Every person is different and every person suffers there demons in a different way. I also am a bit self destructive. I am married yet feel that I am undeserving. I occomplish yet feel they are not good enough.
I hate myself and feel worthless and it only gets worse as the sun sets and rises. I try to ruin everything good that I have, not because I don't want what I have but because I feel like I am not worth what I have. I don't want to drag everyone else in to my bullshit.
Posted by: Janelle at June 24, 2005 05:53 AM
I know how you feel. Sometimes I am not really sad, but I hate myself so much that I'll cut. I'll hate almost anything about myself. How I look, my attitude, my life, my grades, my hobbies. I'll wonder why I was put on this earth, I mean I was and still am a waste of carbon. A waste of the chance of life for someone more deserving. I hate it when people say good things about me, because they're wrong. It could be that they don't know or they are just playing tricks on me. Everyone thinks that they know me but they don't have any idea. And it just hurts me when they say things that they think I am. Everytime I breath I just think that it's a waste and I should end it all. But I can't because I'll feel guilty. I'll be letting everyone down. I won't be able to be what they think I am. I won't be able to please them. People I know try to make me feel better but everything they say just digs the hole deeper. The blade is my escape, I can finally punish myself. I am in a way free then. I can at least let the bathroom and its walls see just how horrible I am. I laugh as I do it, what's the saying?
" The blade is my brush, my body is my canvas and my blood the acrylic." I can't stop I have to let the walls know how disgusting I am. They won't tell anyone ele and they can just see . . . see how nasty I am.
Posted by: Marielle at October 18, 2006 07:10 PM