Main » October 2004

October 28, 2004

I did it again last

I did it again last night.

But I also wrote a poem.

Such dichotomy. I don't know what to do. I want to just exist, to forget that I ever wanted love, and to search for truth eternally.

I don't think it will work, because I don't think I believe that truth escapes love.

Posted by Maya at 08:10 AM | Comments (0)

October 20, 2004

Rereading my entries, I want

Rereading my entries, I want it so badly all over again. I spent a long time talking about it today, and it helped, but not enough. I want to prove to him that his words haven't fixed me, but I don't want to cut myself because of that.

I just want it, and today I think I might lose the control. Was it really control anyway? Can you ever control an addiction? It feels so right to be in pain. I should be in pain. Just fucking look at me.

Posted by Maya at 10:47 PM | Comments (0)

October 19, 2004

But not cutting. Why not

But not cutting.

Why not cutting? I miss it so much. It's cold here; we all wear long sleeves now anyway. I'm not worth it. I can't cope without it. I feel like if I start again I'll spiral, but if I don't, I'll implode.

Isn't imploding worse? God, I want it to be.

Posted by Maya at 09:41 PM | Comments (1)

October 13, 2004

Ways to hate myself. It

Ways to hate myself.

It used to be cutting, but now it's not so easy.

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time, not that you care. Homework and college life have swamped me. It's great, but today I was reminded just how pathetic I am.

I really want to cut myself, and I really want to cry, and I'm not sure what I'll cave into, but I'll have to wait because I have a roommate now, even though she doesn't care if I'm in the room when she does anything.

Look what I'm doing to myself. I'm overworked by this insane cirriculum in the first place, and on top of that I overcommit, halfway break up with a boy who by all accounts should be the love of my life, get an irrational movie star crush, and begin spiraling all over again.

I don't want to, but it's so inviting. I don't want to fuck up my college career, but how reassuring would it be to wallow in self-hatred once more?

Maybe then I'd start writing again.

It's more than self-hatred this time too. I don't want to hurt myself or die as an escape, but because I really feel that valueless. No one can see past the descriptors of "larger" and "less cute" that immediately spring to mind upon meeting me.

When the tears do come, be they of blood or saltwater, they will be bittersweet, because nothing compares to the exactness of being trapped within emotion.

Posted by Maya at 07:40 PM | Comments (2)