August 13, 2004
Well, our lovely webmaster has
Well, our lovely webmaster has inspired me to write. At her suggestion, I would like to open up my blog to questions from the peanut gallery (which you can ask through the comments option), but seeing as how I'm not even sure that anyone reads this, I'll be making up my own questions until one comes along.
I've been a wreck these past two days. I'm terrified of what I'll become at college. More that I'm terrified I won't change. I'll still be an overweight depressed slob who wants to overacheive, but restrains herself because she knows she could never do it right. Sure, things will be different, I'll be homesick, and at least farther away from the Bible Belt, but wow. I didn't really expect to get scared. I also would have expected any fear to be more along the lines of a homesick butterflies in the stomach feeling.
In lieu of sanity, I've thrown myself headfirst into web design, working on a complex one for myself, and a few fun things for some friends. I feel so obsessive right now. I haven't been getting to sleep until three in the morning most nights, simply because I haven't been tired. I'm finally slipping into summer mode now that work is over, and I only have a week of it left.
Things change, everything changes. I just don't want to resort to cutting myself or anything else obsessive to help put blinders on. I don't want the blinders.
Julia Child died recently at age 92, in her sleep. I'm not that terrified of death... ok yes I am. I'm not that terrified of being dead, but the idea of living and not knowing if you'll wake up the next morning terrifies me. I wonder how people cope with that sort of ultimate uncertainty, and then I realize that they don't cope with it. At all. It sounds lovely at first, but what a cop out way to exist.
I'm almost positive that those here with terminal illnesses would agree. It's better to address your fears than to let them lie in wait like a fox in the underbrush.
Posted by Maya on August 13, 2004 10:43 PM
Comments
Maya,I'm here, and I read your blog. I'm not sure what I should ask. I did see something about cutting. Do you cut? I do, but not often. Probably only a few times in my life, really. When my husband was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and had to face his mortality, it lit a fire under him. I guess you don't put off things anymore. I think we're all afraid of death...mainly a fear of the unknown. Let's see...a question. Hmmm. What is your favorite color? lol....it is the only thing I can think of.Hugs,Heather
Posted by: HeatherLeigh at August 14, 2004 04:43 AM