August 14, 2004
Ooh I received a question!
Ooh I received a question! Two, actually.
Well, first of all, my favorite color is green, and actually, it's close to this exact shade of emerald green that I adore.
Second of all, I guess I haven't addressed this yet. The question was "Do you cut?"
Not really anymore. I used to be once a week girl, then a once a day, then two to three times a day until I told my parents and started seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Neither of those really helped, but the meds did. I was addicted to cutting myself, and that ended the addiction. I've lapsed once or twice, but not majorly.
And I still don't see a logical reason why I shouldn't have done it. It was small cuts, limited bleeding, and it helped immensely with my coping skills. Supposedly the act of cutting (or being injured) releases chemicals in your brain that dull pain. In some people it works for emotional pain as well.
I'm generally an intelligent, logical person. I'm guessing many will disagree or think it's a part of my illness that I perceive cutting as a possible solution to my depression. However, of the things you can do to yourself, the ways you can punish yourself because you hate yourself, this is one with the least serious or long-term physical repercussions.
So no, I don't cut any more, but it's more because I don't have a pressing need to, so I might as well not because it's inconvenient to hide your wrists and worry and explain and avoid conflict.
I also kind of wish I did cut, because my life was so much richer then, before I went on medication. I think I needed something to help me cope because I experienced the world more intensely than most people. I've only figured this out since my boyfriend has told me this summer that he feels like I feel things more intensely than he does. So if I'm still above average now, imagine where I was.
It was fantastic though, being so inspired to write and live and enjoy existence. It also led to worse depressions, but even those were rich in their despondency. Those two experiences were the extent of my life, that and frustration with people who wanted to change it. That was what led me to believe I had symptoms of Bipolar II, later confirmed by a doctor, and overturned by a second opinion.
There, far more than you needed to know.
It's strange though, because I used to envy people who were screwed up, I envied people who thought about important things for a reason, because before I got messed up, I thought about life and death and social inequity and all sorts of things, with no suffering to balance my beliefs. Having come all through this, it's supremely reassuring that my abstract ideology has remained steady.
Posted by Maya on August 14, 2004 10:35 PM