Main » July 2004

July 31, 2004

Okay, so now a post

Okay, so now a post for today, the day I've gotten my blog.

Another health issue to add to my repertoire: I went to see the doctor and after she checked out my chronic back pain and prescribed ear drops for my infection (I'm falling apart at the seams!) she said, "So tell me about your weight problem." Uhm, sorry lady, I've always been a little pudgy, but definitely in the realm of normal. I don't eat fried foods, I exercise, I try to eat healthily, and you calling me fat is going to make the depression go splat with such a sudden drop to rock bottom.

Yeah, well, that's that. "Try harder."

On a positive note, I've figured out massive developments in two stories I'm working on things that will help me disintegrate blocks I never knew I had.

Maybe it's because I have a long term boyfriend who boosts my confidence, but I am recently unable to keep myself from imagining myself with other guys. I think the relationship would be much less comfortable, much more stressful than the one I'm in now, but I feel like where I am now is where I need to be in fifteen years. I'm going down the slide headfirst, and what I need is a fun time, an ego-boosting reality-pushing fun time so that I can be propelled into finding and properly appreciating a relationship of the calliber of the one I'm in now.

Not that I have any right to be complaining, but this is my diary, and I have anxiety problems and this is what it's like. Everything looks perfect, even from the inside, but I am aware of strings being pulled behind the curtain which I cannot otherwise sense.

Posted by Maya at 10:05 PM | Comments (0)

I'm writing this in advance

I'm writing this in advance because otherwise the anticipation will exceed the application and this entire project will last little more than two weeks.

Of course, I'm screwing it up entirely by writing beforehand, because then the dates won't be accurate, or the times, and any useful information or analysis that you may pull from the presence of that information will be utterly inaccurate.

I'm not sure where I'll be classified here, but basically I'm messed up all around. Theoretically I'm getting better, working on getting better, but sometimes I just don’t see the point, especially when it means taking medications that limit my ability to act as an individual, to use the unorthodox manner of thought that was supposedly instilled in me by a series of "highly gifted" programs and a lack of religious influence.

I've cut myself, but that was more a symptom of the problem than the problem itself. For me, cutting was, and sometimes is, a solution. I've attempted suicide four times, stemming from depression which stemmed from being treated terribly in middle school. But everybody has a terrible time in middle school, and they don't all try and kill themselves. Or maybe they do, I wouldn't know. I've got anxiety tendencies, obsessive compulsive tendencies, and mood swings which one doctor diagnosed as Bipolar II. Though that decision was later incinerated by a conflicting second opinion, I still think of myself as bipolar in the literal sense that I vary between two poles of emotion.

I've also got some physical problems, and relatives with every disease not mentioned already, yielding a familiarity with the general nature of disease. Read, I can spot the crazies a mile away. It takes one to know one.

I wish I really were still crazy, because then I wouldn't be limited by the rules of existence we live on. When I wrote, it used to be that I wrote from the perspective of a girl living inside out, and now I'm back, feet on the ground, wanting to be different, just like everybody else.

The email to begin this diary should get here now so that everything will work out right, or else I'll save this in my computer and it will be different, the first on will be different from all the rest, everything else will be a mindless update on my state of physical existence, and even though it will be different, I won't have the benefit of being any less longwinded.

Originally written: July 31, 2004, 12:45:08 AM

Posted by Maya at 09:39 PM | Comments (1)