Maya, sweet girl,I'm glad you found, like I did, this place to share and hopefully gain from the experience.Bless your heart. It breaks mine to imagine you cutting yourself , crying out for attention, love and help. And suicide....Honey, I'm so glad you didn't succeed. You are young and the world is laid out before you like an open map. You have so much to see and experience and enjoy and find passion about (not just 'passion' though that's in there too) I have a cousin who was put on a psych hold for attempted suicide, drugs, & cutting when he was 16-17.......it was scary, I flew from Arizona to Arkansas and somehow my aunt got me on the visitor list. I was 30ish and went to support my aunt and see if Brian would talk to me, which he did, and he's clean and in a good relationship and working now and asked me this summer if I remembered visiting him...???!!! Of course.....he said for the first time that it meant alot for me to pack up and come and stay and spend what time I could with him. Not a hero here, just a loving cousin.I guess I'm replying to my reading of all your blogs on this comment, I hope you don't mind.I'm with you kiddo on the stupid doctor bringing up weight when you're within normal and you have such big other issues.......loved the 'splat' statement. I was always skinny, til childbirth and a few failed diets added some pounds. I don't think of myself as overweight, though I know I could lose some. But I'm not starting another diet and gainig another rebound 20lbs. Forget it. I'm eating healthy and moving a bit more and fitting into an old pair of pants, which made my month! When anyone says anything, I feel the 'splat' too.I'm glad that you are in a happy relationship with your boyfriend. I understand your needing more than 'him' when he says you are all he needs. You definitely need healthy relationships with friends, family, and SELF.15 years down the road....yup you probably will want to be and hopefully will be in a happy relationship like this one....will your heart be broken or will you break hearts between now and then, maybe, will this be the relationship in 15 years, not as likely, though you'll always cherish this one.Wow going off to college! Congrats! I stayed living at home and working for my dad and commuting an hour each way to Arizona State Univ. for 4 years. I married my senior year, and two years later had my beautiful daughter, inside & out, and two years later divorced my husband who was my hs sweetheart of 10 years total, as parenthood brought out abusive tendencies. I always felt like I was cheated of the 'real' college experience because I didn't go live on campus. But I was goal oriented and had to be realistic about financing college myself. My sister did live on campus her Sr. year and I envy that.You are brave to admit to your concerns about being away from those who have helped to support and protect you from yourself. Knowing that you could fall back into that behavior and that you 'don't want to' is strong. It's no where near the seriousness of your condition, but I always tell my husband that I am a stronger woman for having looked at the ice cream aisle and not purchased any than for having avoided the aisle. You do what works for you. I pray you'll have good roommate(s) and stay in touch with your support network at home and enjoy your new life, though it won't be all picnics and peaches and cream. You may want to ingrain in your brain your 'healthy' coping mechanisms for stress, because a new place, new friends, and college work and exams bring with them stress of course, some small some seem insurmountable...but you can deal with what comes in a healthy way.......sounds like you are committing to choose not to return to the old path....so you'll be ok.BTW my daughter is 18 and just graduated from HS in May also. She had the goal of going to Michigan or Illinois for college (friends live in Chicago brainwashed her! j/k). Then terribly, her father at age 37 and in NY with Jen's 3 brothers and stepmom, had a massive stroke and died 10/15/2000, 2 mos into her freshman year. 8 years of Catholic school excellence and then 'splat', her education crashed to the floor. The first year was not the worst, because of the shock and denial. Sophomore year was worse because the shock started to wear off, and denial quit working. Summer before her Jr year she broke down, couldn't eat, wasn't sleeping, couldn't go with my parents on a vacation they'd all planned to Oregon/Washington. Her pediatrician rx'd zoloft when shortly after her dad's death he and she decided she'd exercise and talk about her feelings. This time was different, he saw it in her in under 3 minutes and not just to rush on into his day. A low dose of zoloft for 6 mos and weaning off brought her around to 'herself' again, and she started talking and as long as I was the pillow and ears it was good, I had to learn to shut my mouth and listen. I made it clear to her and her teachers that while she was to be prepared, attend and participate, the goal for her Jr and Sr years were for her to have an enjoyable healthy High school experience. And she did, Thank God. But... her grades were barely passing and so University's are not inthe picture until she does some time at community college and excels. Which she isn't ready to do. She moved in with a best friend 2 weeks ago, into an apt 7 mins away so I can't even complain about my empty nest. She moved with my blessing and under a mutually acceptable plan. She's been working all summer and now is fulltime at a dry cleaners. She is going to go to a vocational school and get certified as a massage therapist and wants to work resorts in AZ until she's 21, then she can work cruise ships. She had a taste of cruising with her Dad's extended family, including her bros YEAH, for Christmas in the Virgin Islands, courtesy of her paternal grandmother. Nope not rich, but spending what she has while she can on family. (she lost her husband to rebound prostate cancer 3 months before she lost her son, Jen's dad).I support her decision fully, though those that would pull the strings as you say, my parents, extended family of college grads, are all full of comments and advice. I straighten them out, and Jen and I move on in her chosen path for now.Well I'm sure I've gone on forever.......I wish you peace and health and joy on your path and will be checking back in here to see how you are.God Bless you, Maya,Hugs, Judy (Chronic pain, Fibromyalgia)
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