Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

July 24, 2007

why do i want to spend time with her?

donna asked me yesterday why i was spending a lot of time with my cousin who is visiting if it was triggering for me. a big part of the reason is because i want to get to know her 10 year old daughter better - i only get to see her once a year. i also don't get to see my cousin either so i do want to spend some time with her. i guess there might also be a part of me that feels like i deserve to be treated in a certain way and subject myself to whatever might be painful or difficult just because that's what i'm used.

but i think there's a much bigger reason........one that i didn't feel deep down until today.

being around my cousin is bringing up memories and feelings for me - ME, not alters. i need to KNOW on a deeper level what happened. i need to FEEL on a deeper level what happened. i can't explain it any better than that.

i want to explore these memories head on right now. i need to. except for some reason, it's not happening right now. i, and everyone inside, need a strong connection to donna in order to do that and we don't feel it right now. i hate that. i don't understand what's going on with everyone inside. donna says it's my fault - that everthing is the same so it's something that i'm doing different. maybe. but i trust everyone inside. donna knows we haven't shied away from dealing with a memory. i have faced them head on over the years. i really think the reason i was able to do so much healing in the past few years was because i and everyone inside felt unconditional support and connection and safety. we all don't feel that right now and we aren't sure how we are supposed to fix that.

Posted by Butterflyteam on July 24, 2007 8:08 PM