Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
January 17, 2007
i suck.....
that pretty much says it all.
i woke up this morning with nothing but feelings of wanting to disappear.....or in other words...die. i feel hopeless about ever getting better from these eating diorders and escaping the battle going on in my head. the eating disorder voices are screaming at me and i can't get away from them. i drove to work trying to find a way to disappear. if i just kept on driving would i eventually drive off the face of the earth? i didn't know where to go or what to do so i somehow ended up at work. i saw judi after work. i went in there completely hopeless. but after an intense hour and fifteen minutes, i ended up leaving feeling slightly different. i wasn't thrilled to be alive but at least i didn't feel like i needed to die....at least not right away. i felt the tiniest bit of hope that maybe i could fight this. judi can be pretty convincing at times that it is very possible to not only fight this battle against the eating disorders but to actually be able to win the battle. we talked a little about what a goal of mine could be and how we can begin to work on it. i felt that it was ok enough to try.
now.....a few hours later, i've screwed up again with behaviors and i feel like a failure again and i feel hopeless. i can hear judi's voice in my head right now telling me that it's the ED telling me all this trying to take my tiny bit of hope away. we've been reading the book Life Without Ed because judi wants me to learn how to separate the ED voice from my voice. but i can't seem to do that yet.
feeling hopeless sucks. i suck. i hate myself.
Posted by Butterflyteam on January 17, 2007 5:12 PM
Feeling hopeless does suck. But it is, in fact, a feeling and feelings are not always reality. The reality is that though you feel hopeless, you are not hopelessly condemned to remain stuck in an ED. And, though you feel hate toward yourself, you are actually very loveable. Feelings do suck, but they pass. I hope these awful feelings pass for you soon. Take GOOD care of yourself.
Posted by: The Real Me at January 17, 2007 8:30 PM
Sorry you're having a hard time. Do you have any close friends you can confide in and lean on?
Posted by: Rachel at January 18, 2007 3:02 PM
I know the feeling of just waking up and for whatever reason, not feeling like the day is worth living for. No reason. it just happens.
Also-- I'm with you on the struggle to separate your voice from that of the eating disorder. My therapist (ironically, also named Judy), is big into the book "Life Without Ed" as well. My problem though, is that I just can not separate myself into me and the eating disorder. My thoughts are still *my* thoughts, even if they are eating disordered. But that doesn't make the eating disorder itself, a separate entity; a friend I can throw my arm around and say "hey, buddy! How's it going'?"
I can, at times, realize when my thoughts are not healthy, or when they are eating disordered, but most of the time I don't think about my thoughts, ya know? They're just there.
Anyhow, hope your day goes ok.
Take care,
Wendy
Posted by: Wendy at February 6, 2007 6:01 AM
