Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
January 1, 2007
Day Ten
disconnected.....sortof. been feeling a lot of anger. most of it is directed at donna even though i know it isn't really about her. it's just safer to direct it towards her. there's a lot of anguish going on in my head right now between old feelings and wanting to react the "old way" vs. a more healthier "knowing" that i've learned in my recovery journey. i feel like the anger is making me want to say screw what i've learned - let me just act in my old ways. i want to throw a tantrum and not see donna next monday because "she's just going to leave me again later in the week when she goes away yet again." but who is that really hurting.....me, i guess. i can't stand the war in my head anymore.
i've been emailing judi (my nutrtionist) who wants me to write about what my life would be like without my eating disorders and i have no idea how to even begin to answer that. i want to say screw it and hold onto the only coping mechanism i know even if it is killing me.
i'm too tired to think anymore tonight. i have to go back to work tomorrow. i'm not having my usual transition back to work freak out that i usually do at the end of a vacation. i think that's because i'm a bit disconnected. also because i've taken a bunch of cold medication that i think has numbed me out. i feel another cold coming on and i'm trying to fight it off. i can't get sick again. i've had a cold and/or sinus infection on and off for the past two months. i can't take it anymore.
i'm going to bed. i'm exhausted. why do i never end a vacation feeling rested and refreshed?
Posted by Butterflyteam on January 1, 2007 6:42 PM
I hope the structure of work helps you feel less disconnected. Though cold medicine often makes me feel distanced-- don't know if it has that effect on you.
Posted by: The Real Me at January 1, 2007 7:16 PM
So take my advice -- record your session with her and then listen to it while she's gone. Please try it. It really helped me.
Posted by: Rachel at January 2, 2007 9:58 AM
The Real Me, Thank you for always taking the time to reply. Yes, cold medicine does make me feel distant - something I don't mind when I'm feeling too much.
Rachel, Thank you for reading and replying. I do have a tape of my therapist's voice. She made me a tape a few years ago when I was really struggling with panic attacks at night. It used to help me calm down so I could sleep a little. I do listen to it sometimes when she is away.
Posted by: butterflyteam at January 2, 2007 1:08 PM
I still struggle with anxiety myself at night. Integration made that worse in my humble opinion, but anyway, I am glad you thought of the tape too. I swear, it was strange but that helped me when nothing else did. I can remember laying in bed with that recorder to my ear during a hurricane. It really worked for me for some reason. Hope you feel better soon.
Posted by: Rachel at January 2, 2007 5:39 PM
