Main » December 2006

December 31, 2006

Day Nine

hate new year's eve. would prefer to not be alive right now.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 6:51 PM

December 30, 2006

Days Seven and Eight

day seven (yesterday) - i went to an al-anon meeting with a friend. she's having a hard time with her son and i suggested to her awhile ago that an al-anon meeting might help her. she wasn't ready then but when i suggested it a few days ago, she said she'd like to go.....so we went. it brought back memories of my first aa meetings. then last night i went to dinner and the movies with my sister. we don't usually do things like that - just the two of us. it was nice. i guess i did good things all day but i just felt sort of numb through it all.

day eight (my mother's birthday) - today was very hard. i went to my trauma group this morning. holly wasn't there. she said last week that she would be on vacation all week but she would come to the group on saturday. well, she wasn't there. then i drove to sea cliff to see judi (my nutritionist) in her other office. i saw her for an hour and it was hard because i was feeling so much. but i really like judi. i still feel hopeless about the whole eating disorders thing. i don't see how i'm ever going to break free from the hold it has on me. but i trust judi for some reason and will try to stick with it. then i went to yet another family event - my mother's birthday. i just wasn't up to being around my family tonight. i think i've had enough of them for awhile.

i'm beginning to panic about tomorrow - new year's eve. i've always hated it. i've already started having flashbacks. i'm also having anxiety about going back to work on tuesday. the next two days are going to be difficult.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 9:13 PM

December 28, 2006

Day Six

I'm not even sure what I did today. Not much of anything. I worked on a birthday present for my mother. I created a slide show on DVD of pictures of my nieces and nephew. I have this new computer program that is great but it's got so many things that I don't know how to work yet. It's taken me a while to figure out the background music to go along with the pictures. I think I have it figured out now.

I feel like my vacation is almost over and I haven't done much of anything. Oh well.

I'm not feeling much today. Mainly just numb. I guess I'll take numb over the difficult feelings I was feeling last night.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 9:18 PM

December 27, 2006

Day Five

Day five of Donna being away has been pretty crappy. I don't even think it has to do with her being away, although that certainly doesn't help. I feel disconnected to Donna so even if she was here.....I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying.

I saw Judi (my nutritionist) for an hour tonight. I was in a pretty bad place. My eating disorder behaviors are out of control lately and I feel so hopeless about ever getting better from my disordered eating. But I can't live like this anymore. I feel trapped. I feel like I can't live like this anymore but I feel like no matter what I do, it won't change anything. My only way out is to just let the eating disorders kill me. Right now I just wish they would hurry up and do their job.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 8:33 PM | Comments (1)

December 26, 2006

Day Four

Today is day four of Donna being away. I don't feel like writing but promised I would try to write each day.

Yesterday was Christmas. It was ok, I guess. Spent time with my nieces and nephew. Played with them with all their new toys.

Today was not so great. The day after Christmas has a lot of bad memories. Don't feel like writing about it. I decided to go to the movies with my niece and nephew. We saw Charlotte's Web. Abby had been wanting to see it and I thought it might be a good thing to do on a bad day for us. We really liked the movie. Abby loved it. We were ok for the hour and a half we were in the movie, but that's about it. The rest of the day has been hard, especially tonight. It's almost 3:00am and we are wide awake. We have so much anxiety.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 11:38 PM

December 24, 2006

Day Two (Christmas Eve)

Day two of Donna being away. Still not doing so great. I slept a lot during the day. Still felt very far away and disconnected. Also feeling a lot of abandonment. I emailed Judi (my nutritionist) and she wrote back. That helped a little. I still really, really wish Donna was here. I miss her so much and it's been only two days. I'm used to being in touch with her through email on a daily basis so this is really hard to not be hearing from her at all. I just want her to be here.

I was with my family tonight for Christmas Eve. It was......I don't know. Nothing great but ok I guess. I spent the most time with my 3 year old niece. She opened all her presents and we took time to play with each one. We stuck together all night which was really nice.

It doesn't feel like Christmas. It doesn't feel like anything.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 9:18 PM | Comments (2)

December 23, 2006

Day One

Today is day one of Donna being away for a long time. I promised I would write here every day, even if it's just something little. I'm not doing so well right now. Feeling very abandoned. Just sort of want to crawl into bed and not come out until she comes back. I went to my trauma group this morning for the first time in 4 months. My classes have been on Saturdays so I haven't been able to go. It was nice to be back there. I was struggling this morning but I felt like I couldn't really go in there on my first day back falling apart about Donna leaving so I just kind of pretended everything was fine and I filled them in on how graduate school has been. I have things I want to write here about school and about something Holly explained today but right now......I'm just too out of it so I'll have to do it another day. I'm not feeling very grounded right now so I think I'm just going to lay down and stare mindlessly at the TV. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I don't really know how I'm feeling about that. Other than missing Donna and feeling abandoned, I'm sort of spaced out and not feeling very connected to anything including my feelings. I'll write more tomorrow.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:30 PM