Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
November 7, 2006
feeling abandoned....
i hate when something happens and it triggers old feelings of abandonment. i KNOW that these things that happen in the present really aren't about me being abandoned, but it's still so hard to separate the past from now. it really sucks. donna is sick so i didn't see her yesterday. i KNOW she would have been there if she could and her canceling had nothing to do with me. jackie told me at the last minute today that she couldn't run with me today because she had to reschedule a doctor's appointment for today. i KNOW she would have run if she could and it had nothing to do with me. tomorrow i'm not seeing my nutritionist because she is away at a conference. i KNOW she would have seen me if she was here and it has nothing to do we me. i emailed holly on saturday because i was having a hard time and i missed her and the trauma group but she didn't write back to me. (this one i'm not sure about. i'm guessing she could have emailed me back if she really wanted to.) so if i KNOW that the majority of these things aren't about me, why am i not handling it well at all? why did i come home from school at 3:00 today and go to bed feeling so depressed? why did i end up cutting tonight after not doing it for so long? i guess because i can't deal when these things trigger old feelings of abandonment. i probably could have handled any one of these things separately but all four together, one right after the other, just pushed me over the edge as far as the abandonment feelings go. it's the fucking worst feeling in the world. i feel like i want to die.
Posted by Butterflyteam on November 7, 2006 7:29 PM
All four disappointments in such a short time make for abandoned feelings. Even though your mind knows the truth, that you are not being abandoned by everyone, it takes longer for the feelings to match the head knowledge. But, you know this. I'm sorry it is so hard for you. Here's hoping the disappointments will turn to appointments with the people in your life.
Posted by: The Real Me at November 7, 2006 8:02 PM
I have been abondoned, by my whole family, lovers, friends, so what you are saying is it is all in a person's head, well I am abondoned and it is not in my head
Posted by: kathleen horn at November 17, 2006 8:08 PM
the question is: I am a friendly, giving , loving, hardworking, normal person, and I am very alone, noone calls me, no visitors, I think I was born in the wrong family, my story is long and I even thought about writing a book, because I have survived alot, and am still going
Posted by: kathleen horn at November 17, 2006 8:13 PM
