Main » October 2006

October 24, 2006

six years ago.....

it was six years ago today that i tried to kill myself. i've been thinking about it all day today. the pills, the emergency room, doctors trying to talk to me to find out what i took, barely with it to respond, after being in the emergency room forever finally being taken up to the locked psych ward, feeling like a failure that i didn't succeed.

so..... how am i feeling or what am i thinking six years later? not sure. asked myself that question all day and can't seem to tap into what i'm feeling. thought i might try this:

reasons why i'm glad i'm still here today:
- my nephew was 4 at the time and my niece was 1. i've been here to be part of their lives and see what great kids they are.
- i have two new nieces that i would never have been able to meet and enjoy.
- i've always loved teaching but in the most recent years i've come to enjoy it in a different way.
- i would have missed out on knowing some of the new people that are now in my life whom i really care about.
- i would never had met donna and been able to do the healing work i've done.
- i would have never experienced running a marathon.

i'm sure there are others but these seem to be the ones that stick out in my mind the most.

reasons why i sort of wish i had succeeded and aren't too thrilled with still being here:
- i'm not really sure. it seems to be something i can't really articulate. it's defintely a feeling that still exists somewhere inside of me. some days it's not present at all; some days it's there lurking around in the background; and some days it is very present and i can't seem to get away from it.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 6:56 PM | Comments (1)

October 22, 2006

in my "i don't care" place........

i haven't gotten much work done today and i really needed to. i've felt exhausted all day but i really think it's just depression. i slept 10 hours last night and fell asleep for a little while this afternoon. all day i've just laid on the couch and stared at the tv. i have no idea what i even watched. i have this sense of "i just don't care". i have to get some work done but at the same time............ i just don't care. this is kind of another example of my "all or nothing' or "black and white" thinking and approach to things. i'm either in a panic about everything i need to do and have to get it all done prefectly or......... i just don't care and don't do anything. i spend more time in the panic rather than the not caring place but neither one is a healthy place to be. why can't i ever be in the middle? why can't i ever approach things in a healthy way? i don't like the panic feelings but these depressed, i don't care feelings aren't any better.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 2:53 PM

October 21, 2006

commitment to writing.....

i haven't written in a long time due to a combination of things - i've been extremely busy which leads to feeling overwhlemed which leads to a lack of words to describe how i'm feeling. i saw donna today and she asked if i could commit to writing here three times a week as a way to help me. so here i am being willing to give it a try.

in september i not only went back to work (teaching) but i also started graduate school. i'm going for a second masters degree in social work. part of me is excited about it and very interested in what i'm learning about but another part of me is very overwhelmed by the amount of work in the two classes. because of the way the program is designed, i don't have an option of only taking one class. my human behavior in the social environment class is really good. i really like the professor. my research class is a tremendous amount of work and i'm not too thrilled with that professor. i wish i could afford to stop working and throw myself completely into school. i think i could even manage to like the research class. but because i am beyond exhausted with trying to keep up with the work as well as the ton of work from teaching, i'm a bit overwhelmed. at the same time i couldn't imagine not teaching. i love my job and my class is really great this year. we have fun when i can remember to stay present and take the time to enjoy them and not give into the overwhelming feelings. but i'm trying my hardest to use all of these overwhelming experiences to learn about myself.

other than teaching and graduate school - hmmm....... i don't think there is anything other than that. i don't have much of a life lately. it's been difficult giving up some of the time that i previously devoted to supportive healing situations. i currently can't go to my trauma support group on saturday mornings because my two classes are then. i miss holly and the group very much. i saw holly last weekend at the survivor's art show and it made me really sad to see her because i miss the group so much. i've been seeing donna but i feel like it's not as much as i used to. i've been feeling a little "out there on my own" and it's been hard. when i don't stay open about how i'm feeling and what's going on and i let too much time pass between going to supportive places or speaking to supportive people, i shut down and words seem to disappear and it's hard to reach out and open up at the next opportunity. this was my discussion with donna today and she suggested making that commitment to come here at least three times a week to keep in touch with myself and how i'm feeling. i will give it a try. i've been so exhausted that i haven't been giving myself a lot of time to do healing things and it's affecting me. i've been feeling depressed lately, in addition to feeling overwhelmed and alone. this time of the year is usually very difficult for me. in fact, it was this week several years ago that i attempted suicide. it's hard not to think of that this time of year.

anyway......... i guess it was good to write. i'm beyond exhausted at the moment so i'll stop here. hopefully i'll follow through on this commitment and i'll be back soon.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 5:19 PM | Comments (1)