Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

July 4, 2006

The Fourth of July and Freedom....

The Fourth of July is about freedom and independence. When I teach my fourth graders about how the colonists recognized that they were being treated unfairly and decided their freedom was worth fighting for, I am always touched by the bravery and strength of these early Americans and can't help but feel empowered by their example.

I've been sitting here thinking about the things that I would like to, once and for all, be free from:

1. The anguish of eating disordered thinking.
2. A disconnection from my body.
3. The pain of memories of my abuse. (I feel it's important for me to still know what happened to me, I just wish the intense pain would no longer be attached.)
4. Lonliness. (Solitude would be a welcome feeling, just not lonely.)
5. Feeling like I'll never be good enough.
6. Feeling like I'm always bothering people or in the way.
7. Panic, anxiety, and fear.
8. Dissociation that interferes with a healthy life.
9. Unhealthy loyalties to certain family members.
10. Low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness.

I do acknowledge that it is ME that keeps me imprisoned by these things. I acknowledge that it is MY CHOICE whether or not to allow myself to be free from all of these things. It is my responsibility to do this when I feel ready. No one else can do it for me. Why don't I just make that choice right now? Honestly, I don't know why. I can only make a guess that I don't feel completely ready to. Perhaps I need to do some more healing and then I will be ready.

Posted by Butterflyteam on July 4, 2006 2:44 PM