Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
June 18, 2006
visiting relatives and feeling triggered....
i have relatives visiting from out of state. they will be here for about 3 weeks. i'm not really sure what i expected to be feeling but i didn't really anticipate being as triggered by it as much as i have been. one of the relatives is my cousin. it was her ex-husband that was one of my abusers from the time i was 3 until at least 10. he was the one who always brought me to the cult. it's hard seeing her because when i do, all i can think about is him. it brings me back to a very scary place that i don't want to go back to. we all went out to dinner with them last night and when i was around her, i couldn't help but feel like a scared child. we went to a resturant pretty far away so i was in a car with her for quite a while. i should have planned ahead and gone in a different car but i didn't. different parts inside are reacting very differently and it's confusing me. some are so scared to be around her and others want to be around her. i'm not sure how i feel. i talked about feeling nervous about her visit yesterday in the trauma group. holly's suggestion was to think ahead and make a plan. i know that's what i should have done last night and what i should do today since we will all be at my sister's house for father's day. and it's what i should do for the rest of her visit. but.....i feel conflicting things going on inside of me and there is a part that is being drawn to her and wanting to spend time with her. i'm just very confused about how i'm feeling and how i should go about handling it all. i'm just kind of going along with whatever happens but i do know that that may backfire and i may end up very triggered. it already happened last night. you would think i would make a different plan today but i'm not. i'm kind of in a dissociated frame of mind and just showing up and i feel like i need to let whatever is going to happen, happen and i'll clean up the mess afterwards.
well, i'm off to go spend the day with my dysfunctional family. i am aware that i have choices and do not have to put myself in the middle of their crap. for this moment, i'm choosing to. i'm not sure why. maybe because i don't feel like i'm in control. i have these awarenesses in my head but i feel like someone else is in control of my actions. perhaps an alter. don't know. we'll see, i guess.
Posted by Butterflyteam on June 18, 2006 9:42 AM
