Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

June 7, 2006

no marathon leads to panic.....

i found out today that i didn't get into the marathon. (getting in is based on being picked randomly from a lottery.) even though i wasn't really sure i wanted to do the marathon again this year, now that i know it's definitely not an option, i'm kind of disappointed. finding out that i didn't get in has also started a huge panic. i'm feeling so scared right now. i think in the back of my mind i was hoping for something i could focus on. training for the marathon last year was very helpful for me. i learned how to take care of myself in ways i never did before. i haven't been very successful in keeping that up since the marathon ended. i know it is probably for the best because i will most likely start graduate school again in the fall so i really won't have the time to train like i did last year, but i still feel like i could have made it work somehow. i know that i can still train for other races and i can still take care of myself in the same ways i did last year regardless of being in a marathon or not but i think i don't trust myself enough to follow through on taking care of myself without the goal of something like the marathon. i don't think i care enough to take care of myself simply because i deserve it. i don't believe i deserve it so i continually make excuses not to do it. with the marathon, i had to put those excuses aside or i rationalized that i was taking care of myself all for the sake of being able to run the marathon, not because i was worthy of really taking care of myself. i feel so much panic right now. it's a "feeling trapped" feeling. like now i don't have another option to help me get back on track with taking care of myself - even though i know rationally that i do have other options; that it doesn't just depend on being in a marathon. but i don't feel like i have any other options. i HATE this trapped, panic feeling.

Posted by Butterflyteam on June 7, 2006 6:34 PM