Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
May 23, 2006
anger....
i have been getting a lot closer to getting in touch with anger lately. last night i was able to feel some of the rage that has been bottled up inside me for so long. luckliy i was with donna at the time. but as much as i did feel some of it, i know i quickly put a lid on it before too much got out. since letting out some of the rage last night, i've been feeling terrified. i'm just absolutely terrified something bad is going to happen to me now because i betrayed "them" by being angry. if i get angry then that means i believe what they did was wrong. that's betraying them. now i get hurt even more for betraying them. i don't know what to do with these feelings. i know this has been a necessary piece of my healing that i have not wanted to ever go near. i know i need to do it. i'm just so afraid.
today was very hard. luckily i just have to get through tomorrow and then i have a 5 day weekend. i'm seeing donna during the day on thursday for a long session. my goal is to do some more anger work but........i don't know. i'm just so terrified.
Posted by Butterflyteam on May 23, 2006 07:04 PM
Getting angry was one of the hardest things for me in my healing process. I'm getting really good at it now! I still don't like it; I still feel guilty; but I am no longer afraid of the anger. It is a God-given emotion and has a purpose. If we don't admit our anger, then it burrows deep inside and causes us to hurt ourselves. And, magical thinking aside, no one ever died because someone got mad at them. It's what we do with anger that makes the difference. I am learning to experience it and that is making me a much healthier person. And, even the guilt is lessening. But, I know how scary it is at first and I feel for you. I spent most of my life trying to keep people (and myself) from getting angry. Why? I was well trained.And, a long time ago, it was dangerous to express anger. But, anger is necessary and right and good in its place. So, you go, Girl! Let it out! It may look ugly and feel terrifying, but it's a good thing. Even Jesus got angry when appropriate! Take care, The Real Me
Posted by: The Real Me at May 23, 2006 07:48 PM
