Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
April 26, 2006
still anxious this evening.....
the anxiety i woke up with this morning stayed with me on my way to school and throughout most of the morning. i think the intensity lessened at points during the day simply because i was very busy and distracted, however there was this uneasy, nagging feeling with me all day. now, this evening, the anxiety is getting stronger again. i'm not really sure what's going on. i'm just really scared right now, my hands are shaking, my stomach is queasy, and my heart is racing. i feel a strong urgency to do something to not feel - some unhealthy behavior like cutting or binging and purging. i feel like i need an escape - i need to get out of my body so i won't feel this intense anxiety. how do i stop myself from giving into one of these behaviors? i already went to an AA meeting and spoke to some people. the anxiety intensified once i was home and by myself. i can't sit still and i need to do something and the something i want to do involves some sort of self harm.
i wonder if this is sam. i remember feelings similar to this about a week or two ago when i was with donna. i remember not being able to sit still. i think donna said sam ended up pulling out some of my hair until she told him he couldn't do that. i don't really know how to relate to sam. i don't know much about him and don't know how to stop him once he's here and wants to hurt the body. i'm not even positive that it's him. but if it is, i don't know what to do.
Posted by Butterflyteam on April 26, 2006 06:00 PM
I know it's hard to feel like this and not self-harm. I know. But, the feelings are leading you somewhere you need to go, as awful as that is, and self-harming will just make you feel worse, ultimately. Have you ever tried using a red marker instead of a sharp? It mimics the bleeding and doesn't hurt. Don't know if it will help, but maybe worth a try? TC The Real Me
Posted by: The Real Me at April 26, 2006 10:18 PM
