Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
April 08, 2006
remember and reclaim - #2
Thursday's session was three and a half hours. We went through the memory in D's house, in the middle of the night. I remembered. I felt the feelings. I spoke the words that he said to me that have been haunting me for a few weeks now (it was incredibly hard to say it out loud). I reclaimed this part of me that was lost in this traumatic experience. The after effects have been difficult. Somehow I got through the day in school yesterday. Today, I went to my trauma support group but had a very difficult time. I could feel all the things inside me that I wanted to share but they all got stuck inside my throat. That same feeling I get at times when I want so desperately to speak but no matter what I do, I can't get the words out. I felt very scared in the group - nothing to do with the group, just fear from old stuff. I think it had to do with "telling". I had this feeling that I was not allowed to "tell" anything today. I was "bad" on Thursday for telling what happened to me and now something (or someone) inside was making sure it didn't happen again.
I AM NOT ALLOWED TO TELL.
I am feeling horrible now because i feel like I missed an opportunity to talk about some feelings and reach out and get support. But I don't know what to do when I get this feeling inside and no matter what I try to do, I can't make myself speak. I couldn't even open my mouth and say what I am writing here - that I want to talk but I feel I can't because of this "not allowed to tell" thing. I couldn't get ANY words out.
I hate this. I feel so alone.
Posted by Butterflyteam on April 8, 2006 07:14 PM
No one but another survivor can understand the self-doubt even after an apparent success. But, you are awesome. You have not just survived, but you function and do amazing things other people can't even attempt. (Teaching, running, etc.) And, your worthy goal of helping others when you can speaks volumes about your character. Hang in there! You've gone from victim to survivor. Being an overcomer is next, walking in victory with strength and health. I believe it for you-- and for me.
Posted by: barbraage8 at April 14, 2006 07:07 PM
Thank you for your very supportive words. They are truly appreciated. I wish you the same - strength and healing.
Posted by: butterflyteam at April 16, 2006 10:04 AM
